b3ta.com user Pectacular
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» I'm glad nobody saw me

woohoo...first ever post!
One fine summers evening, after seeing off enough alcohol to kill Keith Richards, I decided that it would be a great idea to save the tenner that the robbing bastard taxi drivers would charge and walk the 5 miles home instead.
The first 4 miles were completely uneventful, mostly consisting of staggering sideways and trying my best to stay upright. The last mile of the trip home took me alongside a leisure centre with 6 foot railings surrounding it with big sharp pointy spikes on top.
Being totally hammered and completely idiotic I somehow found myself on the wrong side of the fence and I didn't fancy the 1/4 mile walk back the way I came to right the situation...
"Fuck it, I'll climb the bastard"
and I did.....mostly
Having heaved myself up and balancing precariously on two arms locked at the elbows...I could suddenly feel myself teetering forward. I can't remember the actually topple, but topple I did. I was caught, hanging upside down. One of the fence spikes had managed to enter my pocket and exited via the thigh of my new jeans rendering me upside down, helpless and laughing like an idiot. Its damn near impossible to pull yourself out of a situation like that when you are absolutely pissing yourself at you own idiocy..
I have no idea how long I was upside down, but the pressure in my head was intense by the time I had de-shoed and de-pantsed myself, dropped to the deck in a heap where in retrieved my shoes and recently ruined leg wear.
Nobody saw me hanging there and it didnt hurt at the time, but the cut I found in the morning across my inner thigh smarted like fuck and showed me just how close I was to ripping my nutsack open\off
Cost of a Taxi £10
Cost of ruined jeans £90
(Tue 1st Feb 2011, 12:58, More)

» Losing it

Fuck you Sarsons!
No matter how many times I buy a bottle of this vinegar i NEVER remember to check if it has a "slow pour" cap, the amount of times my chips have looked like little boats in a brown lake of vinegar escapes me. But the last time really takes the biscuit, after one of the aforementioned mishaps (poured half the bottle of vinegar over my dinner) i decided, as it didnt have a slow cap, i would puncture a hole in the lid to create the same effect. Worked too, until two days later when i unscrewed the lid and poured the rest of the bottle over my fish and chips! :(
(Thu 21st Jul 2011, 17:05, More)

» Creepy!

Derelict House
In my opinion, you havent had a complete childhood unless you have explored the wonders of an old, creepy derelict house.

A couple of decades ago, my brother, our mate next door and I decided we'd check out an old burned out house a few blocks away. At about 7 o'clock, just as it was getting dark we made our way to this place. We climbed through the broken fence and made our way to the front of the house, through the brambles which cut our legs to pieces.
A few older lads used the place during the day for various, dubious activities so the door had already been kicked of its hinges and entry was easy.
The council had removed the stairs to stop access to the "unsafe" first floor so someone had laid a huge pile of wood about 6 feet high so they could access the first floor through the hole where the stairs should be. We made our way up and onto the first floor. About 5 minutes after our arrival our mate heard a creaking noise from one of the rooms and went to listen at one of the closed doors. my brother and I backed away and dropped down on to the pile of wood, watching from a low view point. Suddenly my brother screamed "fucking hell there's someone in there" and flew out the house. Heart racing i followed with great speed and met my brother on the other end of the fence. Our mate was nowhere to be seen...but his screams could be heard "ARGH...FUCKING HELP ME"
needless to say i shit a brick.
my brother said he'd been pissing around, didnt hear a thing and just wanted to scare us both.
so why the fuck was our mate screaming like a frigging banshee.
We didnt know what the fuck to do. we couldnt go get help from our dad cos he'd of belted us for going into the house in the first place. right we'll go and tell our mates parents then...
Just as we were about to leave our mate come out of the house, his face smeared in tears and snot and trousers covered in piss.
"what's wrong" my brother asked
"it felt like someone had grabbed me and wouldn't let go" said matey
"but my shirt was caught on a fucking nail"

Me and my brother fell about laughing.

We still rib matey about that today.
(Thu 7th Apr 2011, 15:19, More)

» Little Victories

I told her...
...I didnt mean to put it in "that" hole, it just slipped

And she believed me.

Today, tear inducing anal mishaps...tomorrow THE WORLD!!!!
(Thu 10th Feb 2011, 14:17, More)

» Creepy!

Metropolitan Line confetti
I often see an old, mental, fuck-nugget of a woman sitting on the Metropolitan line trains, spending the whole of her journey tearing The Metro into tiny pieces and scattering them onto the floor.

She creeps me out no fucking end...weird cunt!
(Thu 7th Apr 2011, 14:35, More)
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