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» Exposed!

Showing Kate Bush my bush
A few years ago, my mother dropped the bombshell that Kate Bush was moving in next door. Obviously I thought it was a cruel joke, but it transpired that it was the truth. I rode through a lot of hysterical emotions, and on the day she and her family arrived I made myself scarce for fear of hyperventilating. I went out, danced, got drunk, caught the last bus home, stumbled through the forest and passed out in bed.

I awoke, feeling like a fat slug had died in my mouth, to the sound of the doorbell. I had a vague awareness that I had definitely gone to bed wearing something and now wasn't, but that was neither here nor there. I wrapped myself in a sheet and fell downstairs to answer the door, expecting the postman, or anyone but Kate Bush. But it was the latter. My hangover was so pronounced that I didn't really have the capacity to be starstruck, so we had a little chat, very trivial, very pleasant. Then she asked "Are you okay?" which seemed odd. I said that I was a bit hungover, but was fine, the conversation shifted back to the trials of moving house. Then she asked if I wanted to have a walk with her, just down the drive. Still wearing just a sheet, I thought that everything was decidedly odd, but that I couldn't really refuse, so we ambled down my drive. As we neared the bottom of the lane, I suddenly had a very vivid memory of a dream. "Wow, this is weird, I had a dream last night that I lived in some kind of tree village, and I was the queen, and this tree was the base, and it was magical"

"Ah" she said. "Do you sleepwalk?"

"Yes..." I replied, suddenly nervous.

"I ask because last night, around 5am, my husband heard something outside, and when he looked out of the window he saw you, naked, in this tree. I thought you were a fan and panicked, and he was rational about it and said that that didn't make any sense seeing as we'd only moved that day, and we realised you must be the girl next door. So he came out and got you out and walked you back. He said you were talking about Ewoks"

I didn't really know what to say. It's always unnerving, as a sleepwalker, when people tell you what you've done, as it's quite scary to think that you are capable of doing so much without being conscious. So I pulled up the sheet a bit and looked at my legs, which were covered in scratches. Y'know, the kind you get from climbing trees. And then we both laughed, a lot. All I can say is that if you are ever going to meet one of your idols, a bit of naked sleepwalking is a real icebreaker. Plus I can say that Kate Bush saw my bush.
(Sun 11th Aug 2013, 13:44, More)