b3ta.com user shezam
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» Shops and Supermarkets

When I was 8 I remember my mum and dad having a bit of a barny,
Shortly after Dad dragged me into the car 'quick quick we'v got to go to sainsburys!' Confused I buckled up my belt and said 'whats the rush, what are you panicking about?' 'its your mother,' He said 'she might be pregnant...I'v got to get her a pregnancy test NOW. If shes pregnant I'm fucked, your fucked. No more nice Christmas presents because I'l be up to my eyeballs in cunting debt!' We then proceeded to Sainsburys, hurriedly he bought the test (at this age I still wasn't too educated on the birds and bees so for me this was all a bit bazaar) We sped home and I plonked down in-front of the TV to watch tom and jerry.
Ten minutes later My old man walked into the sitting room with his hands on his head with the biggest look of relief I think I'v ever seen 'Thank the fucking lord!' He threw himself on the sofa cracked open a beer and slouching into it he gave a huge sigh.
'ohfuckohfuckofuck'
That was the day I found out how babies were made.
(Sat 12th May 2012, 22:03, More)

» Drunk Parents


Every weekend my old man would come home and blow chunks.


Why did we call our dog chunks anyway ??
(Wed 2nd Mar 2011, 1:51, More)

» The B3ta Cookbook

3 simple step for cooking up something mind blowing.
Ingredients - ephedrine (or pseudoephedrine), iodine, ether, sodium hydroxide, red phosphorus, and hydrochloric acid.

Tools - plastic jars with lids, coffee filters, an eyedropper, a funnel, and a coffee pot.

1. Start by taking Sudafed (which has pseudoephedrine as its active ingredient) and crush it into a powder. The powder is then dissolved into the ether and then coffee filters are used to separate the liquid from a white sludgy material (which is thrown out). After being evaporated in a coffee pot, what remains is a pure form of pseudoephedrine, which is close to crystal meth by itself.

2. Your new solution will then be cooked for several hours with red phosphorus, iodine, and hydrochloric acid. After the mixture is cooled down, it is once again filtered and then made into a base using sodium hydroxide. Ether is used for a second time as a solvent, and after evaporating the ether, methamphetamine is left. All that is left now is making the methamphetamine into crystals, which is why it is called crystal meth.

3. Crystal meth is then created by bubbling hydrochloric acid gas into the container that has the methamphetamine inside. This material is then filtered for a last time, and the crystals collect on the filter itself. You know have crystal meth in your possession.
(Sat 30th Jun 2012, 20:29, More)

» Down on the Farm

Goats.
Its not a farm, but Grandma lives in a house in the countryside and keeps Shetlands, ducks, geese quite a lot of dogs and goats. She adores her goats. Shes bred them for about 45 generations now and milks them everyday (goats milk is NOT NICE by the way)
These goats are pretty stupid, on one occasion she went on holiday for a week and left my not so smart uncle in charge. The eejit forgot to lock the billy goat away properly (who lives a few fields away from the females) who, as a result broke into the goat enclosure, hopped into every single goat shed, fucked all the female goats and in impregnated them. This was a nightmare as most the female goats where relatives. He fucked his grandmother, his mother and all his aunties. That spring we had 22 kids, most of which born with defects. Honey (who I got quite attached too) pooed out her wee-hole. No word of a lie. Most of them got donated to the local zoo that year for animal feed.
Another time one of her goats stood on a bucket and put her head through a fence to steal some feed. The bucket slipped and she was left hanging, choking to death. I was there when we buried her in the garden. My Dad dug the hole which turned out to small. Not being bothered to make it any bigger he just tried to stamp on this dead goat to force it into the hole 'Get down.you.stubborn.....Bastard!' It was not a pretty site, the sound of goat being crushed under DC martins conjured with my fathers colourful language 'cunting, cunting BASTARD!' As stupid as they are, I'm rather fond of the big dopey bastards, lug eyed and bleating away. Grandmas got some month old kids at the moment, oh they are adorable! so small and soft, I could spend all day just playing with them. If you ever see an excited kid or lamb leaping... It is one of the most lovliest sites. There was also the time my Aunty tried to milk the billy goat, she got quite the shock.
(Sat 26th May 2012, 8:43, More)

» Bedroom Disasters

My dad got remaried and as a result I had to move to make way for the new wife and family.
I moved in with ol' Grandma, it was cushdy, cups of tea every 15 mins and a cooked dinner ever other night.
She never quite understood about privacy, I was paying rent and so to me my room was my room. Whether I wanted it to be tidy or untidy, the door was closed so out of the way. (My nan Is a clean freak)

However she always insisted on tidying my bedroom, my sanctuary. Which I hated.

Anyways one day I came home to find her on her knees folding clothes and boxing things. The bed had moved the drawers had moved, everything.

''Oh hello dear'' She said with a big grin ''Look Iv done you a favour and sorted out your room so its easier to keep tidy. Books are all in here, clothes I think you should keep in here....'' and holding up my Platinum Rampant Rabbit...''Im not sure what to do with this though lovey??''

She didn't have a danny what it was, so i muttered something about it being a kids toy of one of my siblings and said Id give it back to them. I binned it shortly.

Waste of forty fucking quid.
(Fri 24th Jun 2011, 11:12, More)
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