b3ta.com user Demis CousCous
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» Nights Out Gone Wrong

The Mudderfuggin' Sweeny!
First ever post, so hello!

It's 1996. Wednesday night. Three days ago friends and I won a bottle of tequila in a pub quiz. Two hours ago we were doing slammers. Evidently, I had more of a taste for them than the others. In between then and now we'd arrived at a local club, but I needed some air so I staggered into the darkness outside.

I remember leaning against a fence for sometime, then realising that vomit was unavoidable and sought out a handy spot. Handy spot was determined to be the bottom of a stairwell in the multistory carpark next to the club. Stomache emptied I move on into the carpark, theorising that I'll get better air up here... I stagger towards a car and very suddenly I hear an engine fire up, accellerate and screechingly skid to a stop a few yards from me. Two guys in shellsuits get out. I raise my hands:

"Don't hurt me" I drunkenly say. "We're police" they reply flopping out a badge in about as cool a manner as a guy in a shellsuit can.

"Someones been tampering with that car" they gesture.

It's worth reiterating at this point that I am completely fucked and can barely stand up. I protest my innocence and they don't want to believe me (no doubt because the Sweeny skidding Sierra entrance can only be used in the case of hardcore car thiefs and to waste it on a two-bit drunk is a crime in itself). I distinctly remember saying "I'm drunk, I've been sick in the stairwell, go look if you don't believe me.". The bigger of the two goes out to check whilst the smaller ratty looking guy asks me where I've been etc. Big fella comes back chastising me for being disgusting and what about the kids with their parents tomorrow morning etc, to which I reply "get me a bucket and I'll clean it up for you!". He's not too happy and is pacing around a bit and trying desperately to make me feel very small but the gab gift isn't failing me that night and I have an answer to everything. Then, ratty looking guy appears to be about to cut his losses and let me go. Whilst shaking his hand I say "Nice to meet you, it's a shame your mate's a bit of a cunt..." Then, completely unexpectedly, or perhaps it should have been very expected, I am grabbed from behind by the "bit of a cunt" and bundled into the car and taken straight to the station.

Obviously, they let me go shortly afterwards (what exactly is the charge officer?)but not until after I've made my favourite accidental pun of all time. Whilst emptying my pockets I counted the money, which amounted to 8p in 1's and 2's. "It's not as though I don't trust you with a couple of coppers..." I say looking up at them. "...even though you're a couple of coppers". They weren't amused. No sense of humour these folks.

Apologies if that was long.
(Fri 25th Mar 2011, 13:32, More)

» Horrible things I've done to a loved one

A friend and I whilst aged about 9...
...found that sticking Princess Leia's head into a small dog poo so that her hair buns appeared elongated sideways was the funniest thing we'd ever done.

I can still picture her dressed in white plastic with a sub-shaped overlarge brown head.

My sister, who owned said figurine was not pleased in the slightest. The princess always had brown bags under her eyes from then on.
(Fri 17th Jun 2011, 10:14, More)

» Books

Miles by Miles Davis
One of the best motherfucking autobiographies ever. Every other motherfucking word is motherfucker or motherfucking cat and the motherfucking stories in it are amazing and told like a real motherfucker by the motherfucker himself.

One particular motherfucking anecdote that will always stay with motherfucking me is the motherfucking tale about how he accidentally kicked some snow into the footwell of his motherfucking Ferrari. He thinks the motherfucking pigs done planted some motherfucking coke on him, so he dumps the motherfucking car in the motherfucking street with the mothingfucking engine still running and heads to the nearest motherfucking building. Once inside he gets into the motherfucking lift with a woman. Halfway up, he turns to her and says;

"What you doin' in my car bitch?" and punches her in the motherfucking face.

What a motherfucker.
(Fri 6th Jan 2012, 13:22, More)

» More Pet Stories

Stupid Cat
A cat turned up to live at my house a few months ago. It is lacking spacial awareness, falls over a lot, can't figure out how to push a door open and farts all the time like a dog.

Yesterday it jumped on my lap and I noticed a strong smell of cat shit. Then I noticed a brown paw print on my jeans. Stupid twat trod its own shit into the house.
(Sun 3rd Feb 2013, 2:45, More)

» World of Random

Played a gig...
...in Southampton. We were double booked with a "Norwegian Cheese Festival" but played anyway. The place was full of drunk Norwegians. On one of the curtains a pair of socks had been pinned with a long pin with a small paper Norwegian flag on it. This was the complete sum of decoration.
(Wed 27th Apr 2011, 9:53, More)
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