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» The Police II

Hiding from the fuzz
Three stumbling, mumbling, cider riddled, drunken young northern idiots all 15 years old decide it'll be fun to take some traffic cones.

They decide to wear the traffic cones on their heads.

The fuzz appear, driving slowly up the street.

Rather than run, the drunken idiot in the middle of the three decides the best plan is to try to blend into the surrounding like in that cool Predator movie.

Three drunken 15 year old idiots stand motionless (spread eagled) facing a red brick wall wearing traffic cones on their heads.

The fuzz drive past very slowly just shaking their heads.

I was the middle idiot.
(Sun 8th May 2011, 19:37, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

Fuck money
Working behind the bar one night with my mate I heard him inform a particular dick of a customer that

"Your Mum owes my dog fuck money"

Everyone was speachless ...... couldn't even tell you what was said before hand but I had to pat him on the back for a putdown that seemed to tick all the boxes.

Kind of a Mum joke so sorry.
(Fri 25th Nov 2011, 16:01, More)

» The Best / Worst thing I've ever eaten

First year at uni
By the end of my first term at university I had run out of money (having not yet figured out how to make it last).

My cupboard contained rice, Bisto gravy and tomato ketchup.

You'd think this is the basis of a beef and tomato Pot Rice.

It isn't. It really, really isn't.
(Sat 28th May 2011, 18:15, More)

» The B3ta Cookbook

Stooodent food
Gravy, ketchup and rice is nothing like a beef and tomato pot noodle.

Toothpaste is not a substitute for mint.

Cold kebab meat found in pocket does not a breakfast make.
(Fri 29th Jun 2012, 19:45, More)

» Money-saving tips

Fizzy yoghurt
My Mum hates throwing food out and always has.

So she will eat anything, including fizzy yoghurt.

(Leave it long enough and yoghurt, amongst other things, goes fizzy).

Imagine all the money we could all save by eating rotten food?

My Mum is still alive, I am starting to fear that nothing will ever kill her.

That is all.
(Fri 11th Nov 2011, 16:06, More)
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