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» Twattery

Mechanic twat
My wife recently bought an new old car from a guy in the paper. It was lovely on the drive home and we parked it in front of the mechanic's shop a couple of doors down from our flat.

Next morning wife gets in, turns the key, engine roars to life then cuts out. She tries again, engine roars into life for a second and dies again. After about 20 attempts she comes to get me, I get in and try, the same thing happens over and over. By this time all the guys from the mechanic's shop have come out to have a look at what we are doing, they are standing in the doorway apparently amused by our troubles.

It dawns on us that we have been ripped of bought a duff car and wasted the best part of £2000. I do the walk of shame and ask the mechanics if they could take a look.

four of them walk over, umming and ahhing, sucking through their teeth, scratching their chins, they open the bonnet, look under the car, lift up the carpets, kick the tyres.

Mech "new car"
Me "yeah, got it yesterday"
Mech "how much?"
Me "£2k"
Mech "oh dear oh dear, did you get a warranty?"
Me "no"
Mech "and now it won't even start?"

By this point his mate can't hold it in any longer and bursts out laughing. I can't see anything funny with the situation, I have just been ripped off to the tune of £2k and my wife has no way to get to work I snap

"look, is it expensive to fix?"

Mechanic takes a long hard look at me and slowly says

"No, See the button on the back of your key? It turns the immobiliser off. Press it"

Twats had realised the moment my wife had tried to start the car that the immobiliser was on but wanted to see how long it would take us to ask for help.

I have never been happier to realise someone was being a twat.
(Fri 13th Apr 2012, 9:31, More)

» Social Media Meltdowns

pretend girlfriend exposed
Honestly, 6 years later I am still cringing about this.

Over several years I spent more and more time writing long self promotional instructional posts on all areas of self improvement.

For one of these posts I decided to model the mindset of a girl at work that I had a crush on. She had previously been a successful rower at a very high level. I wrote a great motivational piece based on the things she had told me that had driven her.

Only I made the mistake of pretending in the post that she was my girlfriend (she had previously turned my advances down cold). I wrote line after line about our relationship, physical and mental.

Anyway. When I discovered facebook I made the foolish decision to post some of my greatest articles as 'notes'

When I walked into the office the next day every single face was grinning at me, apart from this girl who was sitting looking mortified.

Yeah, everyone had read the 'note' and since olympic rowers aren't very common they rightly assumed I was talking about her. Only she of course strongly objected to the idea that we had ever been intimate and made it clear that the very thought made her sick.

It was the most humiliating thing I have ever experienced
(Thu 20th Jun 2013, 17:38, More)

» Conspicuous Consumption

11 Dinners
About twice a year my company calls all of the field staff in for a conference somewhere in the Midlands. As that is quite a distance for most of us hotels are always arranged for the night before. These are usually Travel Inn types with Brewers Fayre attached.

As part of the deal the company pays an extra £25 for each person to the hotel and they provide us with a £25 voucher to use in the attached restaurant and bar.

About a year ago I arrived quite late to the hotel and the reception told me that my colleagues hadn't bothered taking the vouchers because they had headed into town instead. That left me with £275 to spend on my own on dinner.

£275 goes a long way in these places where the top menu item is less than £15. The place was pretty empty and I like to think I gave the waitress some entertainment ordering a mountain of food - every starter they did, 3 types of steak, mixed grills, pies, fish and chips and half a dozen puddings. On top of this a pint of lager, biter, stout and cider. Red wine, White wine and a few obscure spirits I hadn't ever tasted before.

I didn't really manage to eat much and spent less than £200 in the end

I still think about those poor starving children in Africa.
(Fri 29th Jul 2011, 8:20, More)

» First World Problems

My Car
The remote control on my car has a really annoying 'security feature' you click it once and it only unlocks dead bolts (whatever they are) you have to click it again to actually unlock it...and even then it will only unlock the driver door it takes a third click to unlock all the other doors.

Every single time I forget and stand there like an idiot trying to pull open a locked door it drives me mad.
(Mon 5th Mar 2012, 13:23, More)