b3ta.com user CysticSpazzGland
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trying to get my head round photoshop, sorry if I have shitted up the lovely board

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» More Pet Stories

I tell this with a very heavy heart
Last Sunday my African Grey parrot flew off into the Keighley night sky, loved him to bits.
I taught him to say "This is the news" and "fancy lady" and (my favorite) "Peter you've lost the news" so that Sunday morn me and the boyfriend had been searching for him.
I put the feelers out and later on in the day I get a text that he has been spotted on the other side of town on a rough council estate, don't get me wrong I was brought up on a council estate but this one as I found out today had seen better days.
Every other house has a L.C.D screen on the chimney breast (so do I) every third house has a sofa in the front garden, every forth house is boarded up and every fifth has a sign up saying "CCTV in operation private property beware of the dogs"
So there's me and the other half walking/driving shouting "This is the news" and "peter you've lost the news" but just as I shouted "fancy lady" a classy lady was putting her bins out and had heard this and she replied "you what" and I had to explain the whole sorry situation to her and she was OK about it.
But still driving round at slow speed shouting "fancy lady" in a rough area must have looked like we were looking for something else, but it did bring some laughter to a dark day.
So if you find a parrot that sounds like Chris Morris keep him warm and safe.miss you Zeus
(Mon 4th Feb 2013, 21:13, More)

» Inflated Self-Importance

I work with a guy and when he has no work he sticks his nose into every other fuckers business.
we use gold wire bonding machines for electronic bits and bobs for planes. So one day he says to me (by the way he sounds like Kenneth Williams) "oh this bonder is all shaky" so I tell him "well we will have to strip it down and re-build up all nice and tight which is over half a days work" to which he replied "OH NO YOU DON'T, I'll SHOW YOU!" bearing in mind I went on a course on how the fix the things. I took great pleasure in watching the condescending twat sweat when he made the £20,000 machine worse than it was, nobody likes to use that machine now but he insist that its better, I just leave him to it can't be arsed with him.
(Sun 27th Jan 2013, 17:40, More)

» Rogues, Villains and Eccentrics

Single bloke near retirement at my work
Asked what he was up to this weekend? "oh you know bit of shopping, few beers, get raped the usual" he replied...he went up in my estimation that day, top bloke
(Thu 27th Sep 2012, 21:10, More)

» Shit Claims to Fame II

Without realizing it I once served Russ Abbott half a larger
it was another member of the bar staff that told who it was after I served him, there was a bit of an atmosphere in the pub that day.
(Thu 20th Sep 2012, 20:37, More)