b3ta.com user lumpytuna
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» Dressing Up

It took
Two weeks, two real pig heads, a load of plaster, liberal slatherings of vaseline, some latex and a little paint but I finally got the face I deserve.

(Fri 26th Oct 2012, 9:21, More)

» Shit Claims to Fame II

I was shouted at by the greatest man on earth.
I went to Whipsnade animal park for my birthday this year. I'm 27 but I still find trained sea lions and owls to be the pinnacle of entertainment, so I was very excited. My partner was driving me round the perimeter, dodging coypu and tiny deer when I saw the elephants wandering with their keepers in a little wooded patch of land. 'Look! Pachyderms!' I squealed as we slowed down to pull over, but then something else caught my eye. An old man with an impressive white mop of hair was sitting in a canvas chair beside a particularly large elephant, they were surrounded by people and wires and cameras and those fluffy things on sticks. Could it really be? Was my lifelong hero here in Bedfordshire just for my birthday?

Well, yes and no, it WAS my lifelong hero, Sir David Attenborough but he was not here for my birthday. Still, best unintentional birthday present ever. We gathered by the fence and watched him record some wonderful facts about elephant feet for the cameras as a small crowd gathered around. Unfortunately, this small crowd kept doing things like sniffing loudly and slamming car doors while they were trying to record, so there was a lot of re-recording of takes and Sir D and his team were starting to get a bit irate. It all came to a head around take 7 of a short fact about elephant toes when the zoo worker directly behind us, who was bunking off to watch the spectacle, interrupted with a loud 'BLEEEEEEP' from his radio. He slunk off behind a car as Sir D spun around, fixed us with a furious stare and shouted 'OH FOR GOD'S SAKE' with some considerable passion. I walked off to sulk with the Rhinoceroses, muttering about injustices, but I will forever treasure the day that Sir David Attenborough looked at me AND spoke to me because it makes me special and famous by association.
(Tue 25th Sep 2012, 15:06, More)

» Shit Claims to Fame II

My dad used to tell me the story of a very smelly boy
who he went to boarding school with in the dim and distant past. It wasn't a problem with hygiene as they all had the same regulation 'one bath per week' treatment. The poor lad just oozed a pervading fug of rotteny-fishlike odour. It was actually particularly violent during the weekly bath when it would bond with the warm water vapour and roll out across the whole dorm house and cause much misery. Not least for the poor boy who it belonged to who quickly became known as Stinky Pinsent.

The story is not all doom and gloom though, Stinky grew up to be a handsome young man, who married a very pretty lady, presumably with a very poor sense of smell. They had kids and stuff and their youngest son won lots of medals. The end.
(Tue 25th Sep 2012, 14:22, More)