» The Emergency Services

In which drugs are bad and coppers are amused
Had a party round mine years back, based on the key ingredients of brown microdots and an Ozric Tentacles CD. Don't judge me; the past is a foreign country, they do things differently there. Anyway, the "highlight" of the album is a track called Abduction. Cue us lot milling about dementedly in the garden shouting about having been abducted.
The excitement subsides a few hours later, and a few of us are sat down trying to smoke our way into oblivion.
Knock knock at the door. Oh fuck, it's either the neighbours or the police. I peer round the the curtain, and there's three big chaps in suits. Police, then. One mate sticks his spliff in the microwave, another throws his stash out of the catflap. Deep breath and I open the door.
"Stay exactly where you fucking are, nobody move"
Biggest copper has his hand inside his jacket, finger on the trigger. Another is on the radio.
"Can we have confirmation on the object thrown from the door?"
"Fuck all, area secure"
"Stand down lads"
Apparently there are several coppers with rifles trained on the back door. A couple get up from behind the neighbour's wall. Dressed in black, Heckler and Koched right up. Nice one, I'm terrified and tripping.
They hustle me inside, sit me down and ask in no uncertain terms -
"So, who's been abducted then?"

Turns out a girl had gone missing locally. Watford's top copper and the armed response unit for Hertfordshire quickly established that we were "a bunch of silly cunts" and took my explanation of being tipsy at face value. Still, I had to present myself at Watford police station the next day, armed only with a copy of "Abduction" on CD as mitigating evidence. The coppers on duty were highly amused, some making pew pew noises and gun fingers as I walked down the corridor to the interview room. Went home, opened the microwave, sparked up and decided I'd stick to taking massive drugs in the safety of nightclubs from then on.
(Fri 17th May 2013, 1:05, More)

» LOL Bigots

I used to drink in The Czech and Slovak Bar in North West London fifteen years ago
The landlord (Big Bob) escaped from Prague in 1968 by getting a job at the airport, getting friendly with the security dogs and finally stowing away in the cargo hold of a Boeing to London.
Thirty years on and we're all sat around having a proper piss up in his bar on a Sunday evening when a few Albanian lads in tracksuits run in, turn the lights off and start dishing out blows indiscriminately. Fortunately they served pints in old school thick glasses with handles, so myself, Bob and his fit daughter managed to give us good as we got and fought them out of the gaff.
Turns out Bob had been getting threats for a while from the local branch of the Albanian mafia (one of whom lived upstairs in my block; I'm happy to testify he was a wife beating cunt). Taking the not unreasonable stance that it wasn't worth calling the police, Bob stuck a sign up on the door of his bar reading "Due to repeated incidents, sorry but no Albanians".
Couple of weeks later and two women from Camden Council arrive, telling Bob in no uncertain terms that his sign is illegal under race relations legislation. Bob immediately takes the sign down.
Next day a new sign appears reading "Due to repeated incidents, sorry but NO ALBANIANS and NO LESBIANS from the council".
Occasionally I have to tell my son that his Grandad Bob is a bit extreme in his reactions...
(Sun 24th Feb 2013, 1:06, More)

» Kids say the shittiest things

My nipper got dressed up as a robot to go and see Transformers at the cinema when he was 6
Halfway through the film, he stands up and shouts "LOOK DADDY, I'M OCTOPUS PRIME".

The entire audience dun a lol.
(Sat 25th May 2013, 12:04, More)

» Controversial Beliefs

JFK was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald.
Oliver Stone is a wanker.
(Thu 25th Apr 2013, 23:23, More)

» School Assemblies

Our PE teacher used to stand in front of us at assembly in his tight Adidas track suit with a massive hard on
I can't say I blame him, I was a very sexy child.
(Fri 14th Jun 2013, 8:27, More)