b3ta.com user MyFrontFellOff
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» Ignorance

My wife thinks that exfoliate and defoliate are the same thing.
I don't think she'll ever get through that Army-surplus barrel of Agent Orange.
(Wed 10th Feb 2016, 12:35, More)

» False Economies

Stag Doo
Before going on my mate's stag doo, we all decided to buy "hilarious" plastic breasts to wear.
Most bought some made of sturdy rubber but I went for the cheapest, fragile plastic, ones.

Not surprisingly mine fell apart almost immediately and I had to look on jealously at all my full breasted mates.

That's right. They were false economy comedy falsies.
(Fri 27th Jun 2014, 12:47, More)

» Heckles II

Rubbish Heckling in the Bakery
I don't know if this really fits in with the question, as there was no comedy club involved; but here goes.

Many years ago, I worked the odd weekend on the night shift at a bakery.
It was pretty boring work, making up orders for the various shops and loading them onto vans (sometimes even getting to decorate the Chelsea buns with the jizz icing).

We worked hard most of the time but, sometimes, when the vans were out and the cakes were still in the ovens, we had time on our hands.

Now, being a bakery, we would often find the odd mouse. We used "humane" traps to catch them and would generally just put them outside.
We would, however, keep a pair back, sometimes, and race them. This involved building an obstacle course round the back storeroom and betting on our mice.

A straight race was pretty boring, so we would sometimes try to heckle our opponent's mouse by shouting and even throwing currents etc. at them, to put them off.

Anyway. This time I decided that there was no way that my mouse would lose and I went to throw a pound bag of currents on the other mouse. Unfortunately, I tripped and poured them on my mouse. It stopped dead, looked me in the eye, charged and bit me on the ankle.

To cut a long story short, I pissed off my own mouse.
(Wed 18th Jun 2014, 0:19, More)

» Funny Stories

I shat myself, and I liked it.
I hope my boyfriend don't mind it.
(Mon 22nd Jun 2015, 22:48, More)

» I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

Why can't a Kiwi be a ship's captain?
Because everyone just laughs when he shouts "All hands on deck".
(Fri 1st Apr 2022, 10:01, More)
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