b3ta.com user Smudge the Demon
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» Lurid Work Stories

Things I have experienced...
1. A railroad worker in a trainyard stepped in between two tanker cars to straighten the couplers so they could be joined properly. The brake on the rear car hadn't been set properly and the car had just been shunted. The load shifted, propelling the car forward and cutting him in half at the waist. The pressure was such that it pretty much liquefied his internal organs, which then spilled out on the track. We found later that he had been the one who was responsible for the improperly set brake.
2. Discovering a dead newborn baby in a garbage bag tossed in a dumpster. Investigation found the teenage mom - who very nearly died of blood loss - and the father - who was also HER father.
3. The man whose neighbours hadn't seen him in two weeks and finally called the police and fire department. He had been dead all that time in a house with the central heating going full blast. The smell was indescribable. We had to borrow respirators from the fire department to even get into the house, and when we did find the body it had actually burst from decomposition. I had to throw my uniform away, and I heard later that the relatives had to have the house completely redone, and remove the flooring and subflooring in the room where he had died.
I do pass these on to the rookies, but never talk about them outside work - except I just did, didn't I?
(Sat 7th Sep 2013, 5:01, More)

» Brain Fade

Once upon a time in the snow...
Got up one morning to find that it had snowed quite heavily overnight. No problem, a bit of shovelling is good exercise. I first went out the front door to check for mail, then donned parka, hat, gloves and boots and proceeded out the side door to attack the drifts. Just as I slammed the (self-locking) side door, I realized I had left my keys in the house. Bugger. No worries, though, my neighbours (a charming retired couple) had a key. I rang their bell but no reply, then I noticed their car wasn't in the garage. I shovelled my driveway. I shovelled my neighbour's driveway, then both sidewalks. By this time it was getting bloody cold and I realized the neighbours weren't coming home any time soon. I couldn't even use my car to drive to my mom's place where there was a spare key also, as my car keys were with my house keys. And this was before the days of mobile phones. Inspiration- I'll get the ladder out of the garage, climb in the second floor window and Bob's yer uncle. This proved a bit trickier than I had thought, and I almost ripped my balls off sliding through the window. After leaving huge muddy footprints all over the duvet of the bed under the window and down the hall, I finally retrieved my keys - then turned to look at the front door which was still standing open from earlier. It was a while before I saw the humour in the incident....
(Mon 25th Mar 2013, 20:28, More)

» Kids say the shittiest things

Shaved it off
When my daughter was about five, I decided to let my beard grow in while on vacaton. After a week or so, Smudgelet asked "Daddy, why haven't you shaved?" I said, "Thought I'd let it grow in for a while - what do you think?" After duly considering, she replied thoughtfully "You look like a toilet brush." Cue Mrs Smudge in hysterics and me off to the bathroom to find my razor.
(Thu 23rd May 2013, 17:08, More)

» Parents

My Dad
Dad was a real gentleman of the old school. A veteran of the Burma campaign, he had a wicked sense of humour but would never hurt anyone. A colleague once came into his office and stated, "Doug, I'm so fed up I'm thinking of resigning from the human race." Dad replied, "Well, Jim, I always thought that in order to resign form something, one first had to belong to it." He rather unwisely enlisted my aid in building a railing around our sundeck when I was about 12. After watching me hammering nails for a while, he said thoughtfully, "I think we should call you 'Lightning"when you work." Flattered, I asked, "Because I work so hard and fast?". He said, "No, because you never strike the same place twice". He has been gone over 20 years now and I still miss him.
(Thu 9th Jun 2016, 0:10, More)

» Funerals II

Smoke Gets in Your Eyes
Our local cemetery has a bell tower from which reocrded carillon music is broadcast during the day, no doubt with the intention of creating a pleasant atmosphere for funerals, visiting loved noes and so on. I recently attended the funeral of one of our Legion members. Jack, who was a Navy veteran of WW2, had been cremated and his ashes were to be interred along with those of his wife, who had died a few years before. Jack wanted them to be buried at the same time so they could truly be together as they were in life. As we stood, heads bowed, beside the grave, the bell tower started to play - of all things - "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes". I had a very hard time keeping a suitably solemn expression. Jack would have loved it. Lest We Forget.
(Sat 13th Apr 2013, 17:54, More)
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