b3ta.com user vikingaero
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» Kids say the shittiest things

Shopping in Tesco with my daughter who was about 3 years old. The routine was I would pick something, pass it to her seated in the child seat and she would turn and put it into the trolley.

Next on the list was some tampons, in an attractive pink box with bubbles on it. I passed it to my daughter who studied it and asked me what they were for. Rather facetiously I said: "They're for your mums butt."

At the checkout and my daughter waves the box of tampons around and says to the cashier at maximum volume: "These are for my mums butt!"

Cue silence from everyone and then laughter as I wished a hole would open up.
(Mon 27th May 2013, 17:30, More)

» Exposed!

My stag night in Brighton
And I end up naked and handcuffed to a lamppost in the central reservation of The Esplanade in Brighton.

Cars are honking their horns, people have their windows down shouting at me. Then come the gropers - men, women, TV's Transexuals etc. My arse gets smacked red raw, women grab my tackle in the most unladylike manner and dig their nails in and numerous people simulate oral and simulate taking me from behind.

Then my saviour appears. A WPC driving a riot wagon. She stops next to me and asks me if I'm alright? I sheepishly say yes. She asks me where my friends are and I nod to the reprobates on the opposite side of the road howling like hyenas. And then my saviour says: "Have a good night" and Foxtrot Oscars off!
(Sat 10th Aug 2013, 21:34, More)

» My Saviour

Travelling on an escalator
A few years ago I was travelling on a long long up escalator at some random tube station. I was chatting to some friends when the lady about 10 steps ahead of me started to wobble. Seeing her tumble backwards head over heels I braced myself to catch her. She hit me harder than I thought but I managed to hold on with her on top of me legs akimbo. She was going commando and her lady garden was bald. I got a good view until we reached the top.

She hurried into an upright position, pulled her skirt down and swore at me for looking at her minge before rapidly making her getaway. Considering she was lying with her minge about 3 inches from my face and I was holding on for dear life there was much I could do apart from look, sniff and wish for a 4 inch tongue.
(Sat 11th May 2013, 18:42, More)

» Weddings Part II

Shagging the brides sister (again)...
One of my mates was getting married. I was shagging his bride-to-bes sister on and off. The brides father detested me because of this. He could almost accept it if I were going out with her, but we were both happy with a random shag every couple of weeks.

Roll on to the wedding day and I rock up to the church on time. The stressed brides mum asks if I can drive back to her house to pick up the tray of buttonholes and corsages left behind. I duly oblige and turn up. The bride, her dad and bridesmaids were getting ready in the hallway. I walked in and the brides sister bent over to pick up the tray. As she did so her cowl dress dropped to give us a full view of her lovely braless breasts. Full on Downblouse! I smiled took the tray, thanked her, turned around and walked to my car, followed by the brides father who said to me: "You keep your fucking hands off them!

About 10.30pm that night I had my hands on those fabulous breasts thinking "Fuck you dickhead!"
(Sun 16th Nov 2014, 13:46, More)

» Exposed!

Penis hanging out
University Ski Bash at Saalbach in Austria. We decide to chat up the local Fraulein with our penises(penii?) hanging out of our flies. This went on for a couple of hours with much merriment and mirth laughing at each other with our todgers out. Sometimes the girls would notice, other times they didn't.

Then someone grassed us up to the battleaxe landlady who came running and shouting holding a pair of scissors. We didn't stay long and scarpered leaving our piss filled bottles of Apple Schnapps which is another story...
(Tue 13th Aug 2013, 16:54, More)
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