» Pure Fury

Answerphone apoplexy
A mate of mine once played me a voicemail he'd received. I can't remember it exactly, but it was along the lines of "Andy you fucker I'm going to kill you I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO THAT TO ME YOU BASTARD I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY YOU'D BETTER WATCH YOUR BACK I FUCKING KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE YOU WANKER YOU'RE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN I'M GOING TO...oh sorry, I've just realised this is the wrong number, sorry".

My mate's name is Andrew, but no-one calls him Andy... and to this day we don't know if it was a mate winding him up or a genuine mistake.
(Tue 1st Oct 2013, 12:13, More)

» Twat Friends

My brother's mate, "Donut".
I think I told this before, so apologies if it sounds familiar. Not so much "ruining every social occasion", as just being a bit of a nob. He's an expert at saying the wrong thing at the wrong time and stopping a conversation in its tracks, however that's all my brother has told me about that side of him. He prefers to regale me with tales of Donut's comedy exploits, such as:

Arranging a night out, then phoning my brother from the pub and angrily asking where everyone was - to be told "We've arranged it for next week, mate!".

Making his way through a busy pub (Scenarios in Halstead, fact fiends) on his way to the toilet, asking people "Excuse me please, coming through, 'scuse me" etc, only to call "Look out mate, coming through" to someone he was about to cross paths with, who completely ignored him - because it was in fact his own reflection in a wall-length mirror.

And my personal favourite - running on a treadmill at the gym, deciding he was a bit too hot, and taking his sweatshirt off, while still running. He managed to get it caught over his head, lost his balance, and stepped sideways - off the treadmill. Before he could stop he'd to run into the weights room - still with his sweatshirt over his head. Through sheer blind luck he managed not to run into anyone or anything... the thought of that one still cracks me up :)
(Fri 20th Sep 2013, 13:50, More)

» Lurid Work Stories

Customer left an eye-wateringly large poo in the toilet at a place I worked once.
Not on the floor, or the seat, or the wall, or in a cup... just in the toilet, where it was supposed to be.

The length and width were truly amazing though; and prompted my mate to proclaim "If that gets into the north sea, it'll be a danger to shipping!"
(Fri 6th Sep 2013, 12:33, More)

» Irrational people

And one about my ex-girlfriend
Driving to my mum & dad's one winter's day, snow and ice everywhere... pulling out of a t-junction to turn right, I encountered a small patch of ice. After a good few seconds of flailing at the steering wheel and managing not to hit anything, I breathed a sigh of relief.

At that point my girlfriend turned to me and said "What are you doing?"
"Skidding!" I said.
"Well don't!" she replied, crossly.
(Thu 10th Oct 2013, 15:37, More)

» Lead Balloon

Just remembered this one...
On holiday a few years ago with some mates, when a young girl wearing a bikini walked down into the sea.

"Fucking hell" exclaimed one mate "She's a KILF"

I swear even the sun went a bit dimmer as he said it...
(Wed 28th Aug 2013, 17:33, More)