» Acting out your fantasies

Fantasies? Pfft.
Soon I'll have no need for fantasies. My dreams will become reality through the power of my self as I wholeheartedly embrace a 360 degree lifestyle change. I will implement a forward facing day to day ideology which will thrust forward my career, self esteem, social life and sex life to newer and higher levels of fulfillment. I will begin to conquer all my wants and needs and grow outwards into the best version of myself I can be.

I will no longer have the time or need for fantasies as I will be making my desires into my new reality.

This potential to self-actualize is something that lies within us all. You must only make yourself willing to progress and then take the steps necessary to unlock that self-actualisation then you can stop adapting to society and start being you! I've addressed the first step in my hierarchy of needs. From only £6,990 you too could effect a real change in your life and become the owner of a new, used Honda Accord from Big John at Karelia Cars, Driffield Road, Market Weighton.
(Tue 18th Feb 2014, 22:51, More)

» "Well, that escalated quickly"

No situation escalates quicker than a spoiled child not getting what he wants
This young chap had everything he could have wanted. Life had been good to him. His was the life that we all aspired to live. SKY TV, a remote control Megazord and not just a Mega Drive but a SNES AND a Gameboy!

One day, in the space of two minutes, he went from Mr Primary School Popularity 1995 to a child destined for a life of mockery. He was found in the middle of the playground crying his eyes out and throwing a such a wobbler that multiple teachers had to restrain him from bashing his mother with a broken, what to my 7 year old self seemed to be a fucking massive huge, tree branch. What had set him off on this violent escapade?

It was Red Nose Day. His mum had come to school at lunch to give him his red nose. Unfortunately it wasn't one of the brand new colour changing ones. Instead it was an ordinary red nose, possibly from a couple of Comic Relief campaigns ago. And like any rational young child he decided that this was a crime that could only be punished by violent stick-based matricide.
(Mon 13th Jan 2014, 20:11, More)

» Acting out your fantasies

Acting
In an effort to spend less time at home being anti-social and spending my nights with only a bottle of vodka for company, I started taking acting lessons.

Now the acting coach was very much into improvisation and would regularly give us silly tasks such as acting out random situations or playing the part of household items, and then grade us on our performance.

I remember one time when I found this rather difficult, after all it's not everyday you have to "act" the part of a soft drink. I was really dreading receiving my marks for that performance, but was pleasantly surprised when I checked my grades on the notice board after class and it said "Acting out you are Fanta - C"
(Sat 15th Feb 2014, 20:32, More)

» One Night Stands

One Night in Hong Kong
A couple of years ago I went on holiday to Hong Kong. One night I ended up in a bar and pulled a Filipino bird. We got a taxi back to my hotel. By that time of the night I was pretty drunk and knackered. Not wanting to disappoint her, during the taxi ride back to my hotel I popped a little blue pill I'd picked up from a "traditional" Chinese pharmacy just in case of this situation occurring.

We got back to the hotel and got down to business. She was young, lithe and would've easily got my soldier standing to attention without the medicinal aid I'd used regardless of how drunk I was. Eventually she left, she was a domestic helper and had to return to her employers ready to start back at work the next day.

Being rather sweaty now after the fun we'd just had, I decided to clean myself up. I went into the bathroom, ran the taps and jumped in the tub. Unfortunately by this point the drunkenness combined with the relaxing-ness of the hot bath meant I quickly found myself needing the toilet. Adding to that I was still sporting an erection that would put a horse to shame well... long story short, I pissed in my own mouth.
(Thu 13th Mar 2014, 22:53, More)

» Black sheep of the family II

"Violently assaulted" by a bunch of Tory boys.
A friends uncle was a mildly prominent local politician back in the day, local party chair, council leader and Lord Mayor a few times etc. A bit of a slightly racist "old school" populist career politician, but outwardly an upstanding respectable old bloke.

His son however, fell fairly far from the tree. He was the archetypal crack snorting, smack heading, drug dealing, lowlife. If it could be snorted, smoked, injected or conveniently inserted into his body he'd have a go. He successfully hid this behaviour from his parents for many years. When he found himself in hospital or the police station he'd spin a yarn about how he was just a victim or was being persecuted by people because of his fathers position and the stuck up old sod believed him for far too long.

Beaten up outside a McDonalds at 2am on a dodgy council estate? Some blokes didn't like the fact he was the Lord Mayors son. It had absolutely nothing to do with him trying to rob them of the crack he'd agreed to buy from them.

Violently attacked outside a pub and robbed of all the drugs he was trying to sell? What really happened was some Tory boys set about him because of a rude joke he told about Maggie Thatcher.

Forcefully ejected from a night club and lost a tooth when he hit the kerb? He was thrown out because the bouncer "was a unionist bastard" who was rather unhappy with his fathers policies as published in the local rag the week before. Not because he tried to do lines of coke off the bar top.

Eventually it all came out and he was disowned by his father. But not because of the lies he'd told, but because at some point he'd had a child out of wedlock. And yes, a large part of the unhappiness from his father was the fact the child was mixed race and therefore a literal "black sheep".

Happily the old man did change his mind eventually and is now involved in his grandsons life and a great deal less racist. He still doesn't speak or acknowledge the existence of his own son though, who's continued down the career path of professional George Best impersonator.
(Sun 23rd Feb 2014, 2:08, More)