» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Senile dementia, the most entertaining of all illnesses
I have only ever been in hospital on one occasion touch wood but the experience was made most memorable by a certain geriatric fellow who I had the misfortune to be put in the next bed to.
This was about 8 years ago and I was 20 at the time when I awoke to a feeling of the worst stitch in my side I had ever felt, I decided not to get up that day as the pain of walking too much to bear but over the course of the day the pain grew & grew of course this was the feeling of my appendix inflaming to the point of rupture so a concerned parent agreed to drive me to Bury St. Edmunds hospital in Suffolk that evening.
The rest of that evening was more or less a blur but as it turned out I was put under anaesthetic almost immediately and had surgery that evening to remove the offending body part.
Now this was my first operation so I was not fully prepared for feeling as high as a kite when I awoke at 2am in the hospital ward after my operation. It was an odd feeling which I can only describe as like a dream about being ridiculously drunk. On awaking (if I can call it that) the first thing that hit me was how much I needed to go to the toilet, the fact that I had a drip tube coming out of my arm attached to a stand and a fresh incision in my torso didn’t seem like a good enough reason to use a bed pan so I began to get out of bed.
On standing next to my bed to my horror I discovered that the gown I was wearing has no arse covering element to it, in fact the back was entirely open. Now being in a room full of strangers I had not yet met and living in fear of anal rape ever since seeing that late night Hollyoaks episode in about 1999 I decided that this would not do at all and that I had to leave this place at the earliest opportunity. I found my clothes in a cupboard next to the bed and began to get dressed. I got my jeans on then realised I had a problem with putting a top on, that problem being the drip tube attached to the trolley stand. Easy I thought so I unhooked the drip bag from the stand and passed it through the arm of the t-shirt and put it down on the bed as I continued to get ready for my escape.
Now almost fully dressed I went to pick up the drip bag and realised something was terribly wrong, the drip bag on being placed on the bed (and therefore much lower than most of my body) had filled up with my blood! Don’t panic I thought, I can fix this as I am an engineering student just don’t let anyone see the mess you’ve got yourself into! A few minutes passed but my situation was not getting any better, the blood had clotted in the tube and everything was going more wrong by the minute, I had no choice but to pull out the drip cord from my arm. Now things were really getting messy so I pulled the white gown back on over my clothes as I was managing to drip blood over most of the area. The drip bag was now back on the trolley stand and to try and stop the detached drip cord dripping any more I had to hold it up with my right hand at about shoulder height. Now imagine the scene, me standing up with a blood-stained white gown on with my left arm holding the trolley stand at arm’s length and my right arm holding the drip cord at shoulder height again at arm’s length (trying to stop the dripping) when the nurse turns on the ward lights to see what’s going on. I froze as the lights came on and saw a 90-something old man in the next bed staring at me with a look of both wonder & bewilderment, there was a silence of about 5 seconds before he let out the immortal line “Jehovah? Have you come to take me Jehovah?”
I am sure the nurse must have seen the funny side but as well as foiling my escape she gave me a right blocking and forced me to use the bedpan.
The next day the confused old man came out with another 2 very memorable classics which made me laugh so much I nearly passed out with the resulting pain from my wound… The first was at breakfast, a rather short & portly nurse arrived to serve the breakfasts, the dish presented to the 90-something old man was only half of everyone else’s portion. On receiving it he said to the nurse, “Oh, that doesn’t look like very much!” to which she replied “no, that’s because you don’t eat very much do you?” which was countered by one of the best answers I could ever have imagined: “No, I don’t eat very much myself, but you look like you do!” which resulted in the nurse storming off in a huff not to be seen for 2 hours!
That afternoon however was when the 90-something old man came out with his best line yet. He had was asleep for his afternoon nap when the sister of the ward arrived with the doctor to see how I was getting on, the pair arrived at my bed and the nurse introduced Dr Kumar who would be monitoring my recovery I told them I was all OK so after this the nurse began to discuss how old man in the next bed losing the plot more and more with every day that past, “He doesn’t even know where he is or why he’s here most of the time” she said and the doctor agreed to ask a few questions and to make a report on his mental health.
Over to the next bed they went where the old man was still asleep, the doctor leaned over and shook his arm waking up. The doctor then said “Hello, I’m just here to ask you a few questions”, “OK” the old man replied “go ahead”. Then Doctor Kumar began by asking “You do know why you’re here don’t you?”, “Yes” the old man replied, “I totally understand why I have been sent here”, “OK” the doctor replied, “and where is it that you think you are?” the old man’s expression was deadly serious as he stared into Doctor Kumar’s eyes and after a pause that felt like it was building for an eternity he replied in a loud and purposeful voice “INDIA!”.
I think I popped at least 3 stitched laughing at that one!
Apologies for the length, breadth, width etc.
(Thu 11th Mar 2010, 22:44, More)