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Andy. 24 28 29 Now 30 33, Leeds.

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» Breakin' The Law

my old boss could drink
and so was always good for a story. One time him and a group of buddies went for a beano up the coast somewhere - there was about 16 of them so they hired a minibus, leaving at about 6am and arriving in time for the pubs to open.

Designated driver is on soft drinks all day, and after a few hours they hit the bookies to catch Channel 4 racing. The driver backs a long shot and wins a few hundred quid, so its back to the pub to celebrate. Chucking out time comes and they all head back to the minibus, where they realise the driver in his joy of winning "forgot" his responsibilities and is now as paralytically drunk as the rest of them. After a brief discussion they decide he can drive them home anyway.

So they're tearing down the motorway when the sirens come on and they all start to panic, until one guy comes up with a plan. They pull over, and all run off over the fields in different directions, assuming there will only be two coppers so they won't be able to catch them all and identify the driver. Except getting 16 fat, drunk old men out of a minibus takes longer than two athletic sober coppers do getting out of an Escort. The last guy out doesn't like his chances and decides to hide under the minibus.

He sees two sets of feet walk around the vehicle, then a flashlight shines under the van - "would you mind coming out here, please Sir?". Sheepishly he crawls out.

"Have you any idea how fast this van was going back there?" Plod asks

"No, but it was going a fair old stink when it knocked me over, Officer"
(Fri 9th Jan 2004, 10:22, More)

» Slang Survey

"Lee H is pure fitness I'm gonna get me 'nuff bashment" written at our bus shelter (no word of a lie)

I have puzzled many a morning away wondering what proper English word bashment translates to. Does it refer to raw, physical sexual intercourse, written by an admirer of Lee H? or is it Lee H himself advertising his school yard brawling abilities?

you know you are getting old when you can no longer understand what kids say. Fact.
(Tue 3rd Feb 2004, 16:52, More)

» Breakin' The Law

so we're up in Manchest-a
for a weekend of susbtance abuse and reaching for the lasers. Saturday morning and I'm going home early because of my anally-retentive (now ex) girlfriend disapproving of my choice of friends. In a bid to prove to her that I wasn't taking Damon Hills all weekend I am sat on the train two hours after leaving the club chugging on gallons of OJ and repairing my face with lip balm. (It worked by the way).

My mates meanwhile are sat home with spliffs, poppers, vodka and decide to go to the park. Not the one down the road, but the one in Stockport. "Pete" as only sober one of the crew offers to drive "Harry"'s car for them and is cruising nicely along within the 40mph limit, wary of the various spannered clubbing casualties lining his back seat swigging from the vodka bottle attracting attention. "Fred" pipes up "Stop driving like an old woman" so "Pete" puts his foot down - 5 seconds later the blue flashing lights are in the rear view and "Harry"'s PartyWagon is pulled over.

You should receive 3 points for speeding and a further 6 for driving without insurance, plus a hefty fine, so "Pete" is pretty worried. When it comes to getting a court date, however, Greater Manchester police screw up countless times it takes a year to get to court. "Pete" and "Harry" turn up suited and booted, with a signed letter from "Harry"'s dad who happened to have been knighted several years before, stating that they had called him that day to enquire whther the insurance policy covered invited guest drivers, which he said he believed was the case.

The fact that "Harry" wrote this himself and there actually was no insurance policy whatsoever on the car didn't seem to matter at all. A combination of the police charging "Pete" with two seperate charges rather than one combined one (this is illegal btw), "Pete" clearly being the only sober one and therefore responsibly offering to chaffeur for the others and "Harry"'s amazing piece of perjury they get off with just the fine(?!).

The best bit was the original letter written by "Harry"'s dad, that simply said "Son, don't let those nazi coke-head bastrad rozzers win, Signed Sir Harry's Dad, Knight of the British Empire". It arrived on the morning of the trial, causing two hours of pant-brickage for "Pete" and "Harry". Daddy has pulled many pranks of his own in his time, and obviously wanted his youngest to learn the hard way - ie you do the crime you do the time, sunshine.

Sorry for the essay - first post got excited
(Thu 8th Jan 2004, 16:17, More)