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Recent front page messages:

I re-did swearing graffiti cat today.
Now with added paw-smeariness.


(Fri 1st Aug 2003, 19:16, More)

Come on Dad,
let's colour the zebras in.



Meep!
(Fri 4th Jul 2003, 20:26, More)

Cutbacks force rethink of Queen Mothers state procession


Now where did I leave that coat?
(Mon 8th Apr 2002, 17:47, More)

Rock 'n' roll

(Fri 8th Mar 2002, 11:27, More)

Suddenly
Without any warning furtive spoils Pineapples latest attempt at front page
glory by running into the middle of the fantastically funny GIF he was working on . . .


(Wed 27th Feb 2002, 11:34, More)

Don't EVER be deceived by appearances.

(Thu 24th Jan 2002, 11:54, More)

Cheeky little chappy gets about

(Wed 23rd Jan 2002, 18:30, More)

Bunny gets revenge

(Tue 22nd Jan 2002, 16:58, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Real-life slapstick

When I was about 10 years old
Playing in our road with some friends. We lived in a tree lined avenue.

One of my friends climbed into a tree, and sat on the lowest branch. The tree was pretty leafy, and you couldn't see him unless you were looking hard.

Another of my friends Mum walks past, carrying two bags of shopping. As she got to the tree, mate number one rolls forward on the branch, bringing his upside down face right in front of hers, and he screams 'Wheeeeeeee!!!!!'.

She dropped her shopping and ran off down the road crying.

I know these are all 'you had to be there' things, but it's making me laugh like a drain even now, 30 years later.
(Thu 21st Jan 2010, 14:02, More)

» IT Support

.
Secretary calls me over. "This is wierd, watch this"

Sits quietly for 5 minutes, her screen goes blank.

"See, it switches off! But I've worked out how to switch it on again".

Thumps her desk, really hard. Computer magically switches on.

I suspect it might just be that when she thumps desk, her mouse moves. I didn't tell her though, it was quite funny to see her whack the desk 6 times per day, and it also annoyed everybody sitting around her as a bonus.
(Sat 26th Sep 2009, 9:17, More)

» Dad stories

My Dad story. This is actually true.
I was 14 at the time. One Saturday in 1981, we were all at home. Dad says to me 'Make us a cheese sandwich will you?', so off I go to the kitchen, knocked up the sandwich and gave it to him.

'OK, I'm going up the park' I said. 'See you later'.

After a few hours at the park, I wander home, to find my Mum and dad have gone out. I ask my brother 'Where are they?'. Brother tells me Dad felt unwell, Mum took him to the hospital.

Another hour passes, Mum turns up, driven by a friend. Wierd, but hey, whatever. Mum come in, looking a bit flustered. Her friend says 'can you go in the sitting room and talk to your Mum'.

Mum standing there. No other way to say it. 'Dad's dead'.

So, being sensitive and mature, my first words on hearing about my fathers death . . . 'Fuck, I hope it wasn't the cheese sandwich'.
(Fri 26th Nov 2010, 15:39, More)

» Vandalism

semi vandalism
I was once studying on a very primitive network at school, a load of BBC micros (or something like that) connected to a printer. Was not really taking much notice of what the teacher was saying, but typed in what I was told.

Then completely lost interest, and typed in a few of my own commands;

10 print "fuck off ";
20 goto 10

Turned to my mate sitting next to me, and said 'hey, check this out'. Run the program, nothing happened. Nothing . . . Meantime, two other things did happen.

Printer goes beserk.

Teacher goes to printer, looks at what's happenening and bellows 'Who is station 11???'. Well, seems the stuff I was typing earlier, which I wasn't paying attention to, was to set all screen output to the printer.

Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off Fuck off
(Mon 11th Oct 2010, 11:49, More)

» The B3TA Confessional

To the waiter
in the Oriel brasserie, Sloane Square. Circa 1997.

It wasn't me that knocked the bottle of St Emillion over on the table, making you have to move everything off the table, change the linen, put everything back and mop the floor.

It was the girl I was having lunch with. She was one of our brokers, we were meeting to discuss business. I was fingering her under the table, and she knocked the bottle over when she came.

Sorry.
(Fri 27th Aug 2010, 10:58, More)
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