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# Cake of War : A study of baked-goods delivery systems in ancient warfare
The Battenberg Trebuchet was developed in 1312 as a means of besieging heretics who refused to accept the Treatise of Nyom-de-Lyons. It didn't become obsolete until the introduction of gunpowder. Several attempts were made to produce a battering ram based on the Battenberg cake, but designers failed to agree on a suitable punny name (Batterberg? Battening Ram?). It did, however, lead to the development of an impact-resistant marzipan which is in use to this day in body armour.


The Muffin Onager is considered one of the oldest and most versatile cake-based siege weapons in the world. Capable of propelling muffins, cupcakes and even fairy cakes several hundred metres, this weapon caused devastating crumb-based injuries. It was theorised that a slightly overbaked blueberry muffin could penetrate a wooden stockade wall at 100 metres.


The Swiss Roll Ballista (the 'Rollista') was developed by the Romans just prior to the Siege of Alesia in 52BC. It was reknowned for durability and tolerance, capable of shooting vanilla, raspberry and chocolate swiss rolls of varying quality, from Tesco Value up to Sainsburys 'Taste the difference'. However, siege engineers had a saying : 'Kipling Detesta Matribus' ('Mr. Kipling is the dread of mothers'). Even today in some parts of France the Swiss Roll is shunned.


(This post slightly inspired by DTH)
(I helped save b3ta! Tribs 🦇 ↓ dn ʎɐʍ sᴉɥʇ ↓🦇, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:18, archived)
# Hahahaha you bloody loon!

EDIT were these rendered obsolete by the development of the gateau-ling gun in the early 20th century, by any chance?
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:20, archived)
# These were used during World War Bun
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:20, archived)
# Yey! But where will it land?
(I helped save b3ta! Wobbly Bloke Hello, did I miss anything on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:20, archived)
# The battenbergachet is a wicked instrument of war and should be outlawed
The swiss roll one needs to be modified to an Arctic Roll Ballista for delicious cold weather warfare!
(I helped save b3ta! maiden is filmed before a live studio audience, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:21, archived)
# Cayke warfare in modern times

cfb
(I helped save b3ta! maiden is filmed before a live studio audience, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:32, archived)
# This, I can verify, is 100% accurate.
Epic win!
(I helped save b3ta! Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:34, archived)
# lovely :)
esp. the last line, very clever :D
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:35, archived)
# The Jaffa Cake will always be an spongy engima wrapped in a chocolate conundrum with a mysterious orangey centre
:D
(I helped save b3ta! maiden is filmed before a live studio audience, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:42, archived)
# yes, but how much VAT should I pay?
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:21, archived)
# NONE!
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:50, archived)
# \o/
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:52, archived)
# Oh yes!
I like ballistas. Our group has one, and it's rather fun to use.
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:21, archived)
# Also,
where's k3b/-\b when you need him, eh? I have a picture for him...
(I helped save b3ta! Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:22, archived)
# This is how I want to go out.
Hit by a huge piece of sponge cayke! WOO!
(I helped save b3ta! Whato_Jeeves Did your surgery require a vaginal mesh patch?, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:22, archived)
# WOO!
splendid.

Where's Dave the Facts? i'm hungry.
(I helped save b3ta! Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:23, archived)
# Have an oldie

I'm meeting TLH for lunches and we'll probably have sossies and mashes two for a tenner and a glass of soda water. What are you having for lunch



(I helped save b3ta! Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat - enjoying a post-meridian muncheon - Ta! Cannaoogim!?, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:47, archived)
# Vagabond's sister:P
*legs it*
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:51, archived)
# well as rubbish as that sounds, it's winning so far
it's winning so farerm . . . I mean Braw! have chips with that


(I helped save b3ta! Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat - enjoying a post-meridian muncheon - Ta! Cannaoogim!?, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:52, archived)
# Actually I'm having homemade calzone type thingy.
One Lebanese flat bread, filled with cherry tomatoes, spring onion, ham, feta cheese, chilly and grilled peppers, folded over and cooked on a George Foreman grill.
All washed down with line cordial and soda water.

Piss easy and scrummy yumcious!
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:58, archived)
# sorry
you missed your chance . . . lunch is serious


(I helped save b3ta! Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat - enjoying a post-meridian muncheon - Ta! Cannaoogim!?, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:19, archived)
# Beer. In the Cock.
(I helped save b3ta! emvee cruor deo cruoris, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:54, archived)
# a fine lunch


(I helped save b3ta! Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat - enjoying a post-meridian muncheon - Ta! Cannaoogim!?, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:16, archived)
# wholemeal roll with cheese and ham and salad
and a cup of tea.

headaches and dancing lights in visions Thor.
(I helped save b3ta! Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:56, archived)
# wholemeal is for gays and girls
which are you?


(I helped save b3ta! Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat - enjoying a post-meridian muncheon - Ta! Cannaoogim!?, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:16, archived)
# *blows kisses*

*winks*
(I helped save b3ta! Thor_sonofodin has done things, terrible things on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:45, archived)
# Probably nip down to the chinese buffet for takeaway goodness :D
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:07, archived)
# Mmmmm
MSG:D
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:10, archived)
# Oh yes...
I have to drink about a litre of water with it to offset the astronomical salt content!
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:13, archived)
#
salt dog.
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:17, archived)
# Chinese takeaway for lunch!?
Braw!




(I helped save b3ta! Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat - enjoying a post-meridian muncheon - Ta! Cannaoogim!?, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:18, archived)
# well I guess its too late to tell you about my grilled bratwursts then!
nice facts today. I was drinking when I read 'custard for his dodgem' and nearly drowned
(I helped save b3ta! Griffin Saver Something, something, 2006, something., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:24, archived)
# WHOOP WHOOP!
I'd like to thank my agent, my mom, my dad, and all the wonderful people at Buffet Metro who made this possible.

As an addendum:

2 spring rolls (plus one snaffled while piling up my tray)
2 chicken wings
Special fried rice
Soft noodles with bean sprouts
Pork in OK sauce
Chicken with black bean sauce
...and a few pieces of crispy chilli chicken.
(I helped save b3ta! barryheadwound Mul-ti-pass? Multipass!, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:58, archived)
# TJ for the day crew, I have a friend looking for a Graphic Designer, if you're interested, gaz me.
(I helped save b3ta! doog Don't read this., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:23, archived)
# Batter-berg surely?
This is very very ace!
(I helped save b3ta! Chorizowagon Came wandering back on, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:26, archived)
# ha ha :D
This post is chock-full of win.
(I helped save b3ta! The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:39, archived)
# Ello matey.
You know if garlic water effects ladybird eggs?

I had a black ladybird on my courgettes and a red on my chillies. Romance obviously blossomed in the gerberas betwixt the two.

The offspring will be the second generation of RG's windowsill ladybirds:D
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:55, archived)
# Hahahaha!
Wheeeeee!


(I helped save b3ta! Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat - enjoying a post-meridian muncheon - Ta! Cannaoogim!?, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:42, archived)
# nutter!
(Rattlehead all time with the gay, forever touching, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 11:50, archived)
# Needs more meat dammit!:O
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:12, archived)
# no idea what's in that
but i want some now.
(I helped save b3ta! spesh., Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:22, archived)
# that looks fucking vile, sorry
(Rattlehead all time with the gay, forever touching, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:23, archived)
# That's a meatenburg!
(I helped save b3ta! riverghost servicing your mum since, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:58, archived)
# Treatise of Nyom-de-Lyons
hahahaha - love it!
(where can I buy a Battenburg Trebuchet?)
(Banjo Legs, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 12:30, archived)
# you can attack me anytime* with these weapons :)
*preferably 'round tea-time
(I helped save b3ta! Elvis impersonator, Wed 30 Jun 2010, 15:18, archived)