NEWSLETTER: "SEE YOU LATER MASTURBATOR - IN A WHILE PAEDOPHILE"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Dog shags cat
* WEEBL - New toon
* MATHS - Wanking addiction measured in kittens
-------------------------------------------------
________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ |
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're flicking the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| bean... together"
B3ta email 273 - 20 April 2007
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue273/
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsub: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
: SPONSORED LINK
Designer t-shirts
Big Dicks... Halfway Inn - our favourite
Ringspun Tee! Lots more designer t-shirts and
clothing for boys and clothing. Brands include
Religion, Boxfresh, Ed Hardy and Ben Sherman.
All available online at Discoo Fast Fashion.
http://www.Discoo.co.uk
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Buying sponsorship on B3ta makes you look big
and clever.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
-------------------------------------------------
: JOHNNY MORRIS'S ANIMAL MAGIC
B3ta stylee, of course
>> Rico loves Jefferson <<
A tale of forbidden love, to rival Romeo and
Juliet. Well, okay, just a quick vid of a very
randy dog and a cat who doesn't seem entirely
displeased with the attention. The little perv.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Milking an elephant <<
'Milking' is a euphemism, of course, for giving
it a wank. Our childhood dreams of being a
zookeeper lie in tatters thanks to this footage
of a jolly German enthusiastically stimulating
the lucky pachyderm's prostate.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Sex doll for dogs <<
Possibly the only product we can think of where
the sex they're selling you is canine. Yup lots
of pics of this strangely abstract doggy
'marital aid' in the throes of passion with a
variety of terriers, poodles and other lapdogs.
http://snipurl.com/real_doll_for_dogs
>> Pigs that want to be eaten <<
We've all spotted those strange almost outsider
art that adorns independent butchers - pigs
pulling sausages out of their bellies asking
to be eaten. Here's a fine collection of
similar nonsense.
http://suicidefood.blogspot.com/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Jonti and boozes
>> New Jonti toon <<
First Jonti created Weebl, then the one with
the insanity prawn that lived on the moon, and
now? He's only gone and created a brand new
series. We've quizzed him on where it goes
next, and he promises us that he has "a vague
plan mapped out." Should be good.
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Parsley+Boobs+ep...
>> Best-value alcohol ever <<
Last week we asked you to visit an off licence
and do some clever maths to work out the best
alcohol / volume / cash ratio. el_grimley
writes, "My mate Jim made this a while back.
Which shows tramps and chavvy teenagers get it
right every time. He's getting married soon too
so if you include him in the newsletter, can
you wish him well."
http://www.foodfight.org.uk/other/images/trampinde...
-------------------------------------------------
: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Please Sleep With Me
Last week we wanted to know how far you'd gone
to get a shag off your object of desire:
http://b3ta.com/questions/pleasesleepwithme/
* NOT TRYING
"Years ago I was sitting in a pub with my
mate Derek. We were playing a game whereby
you shake all your change up, then stack it
and try to guess whether the next one down is
heads or tails. As we were playing, Derek
noticed a rather fetching girl watching.
"Hello," he said. "Hello," she replied, "what
are you doing?" "We're playing a game where
you try to guess whether the next one down is
heads or tails. If you're right, you keep the
coin and go again... and so on until the
stack is done. Whoever has the most coins
wins and the loser has to buy the round of
drinks." "That sounds like fun," she said.
"Do you wanna go?" he asked. "Um.. OK," she
said, picking up her bag and jacket and
walking to the door. Derek sat there for
about five seconds before he realised she'd
heard "do you want to go" instead of "do you
want a go". He shrugged, drained his beer,
then walked out the door with her. And yes,
apparently she was an excellent shag. He
STILL has no explanation for this utterly
random act of good fortune." (difficultchild)
* TRYING TOO HARD
"God there's some shameful stuff when I think
about it... How about the time I drove
someone from Brum to Oxford without my
glasses on at two in the morning so she could
return her satnav to a friend? Result: shag.
Or the time I took a friend to a swingers
party only to watch her get ganged by six
coloured gentlemen? Result: not a sausage.
"Oh God, I've always wanted to see two guys
together", she says... Result: two shags and
a sore bum. I'm not even bi. In my defence,
she was very very hot." (Brother_Will)
* DEBORAH TURNBULL
"At school I walked around all day with my
trousers tucked into my socks to impress
Deborah Turnbull. I was 14. My teacher called
me an 'imbecile' and Deborah didn't speak to
me for the next two years. I ride a bike to
work now and occasionally arrive with
trousers tucked in. Just the other day, a
secretary bared her breasts at me and
beckoned me into the stationery cupboard for
a blow job with loads of tongue action. So
fuck you, Deborah Turnbull. Actually, that
last bit's not true." (frankspencer)
>> This Week's Question <<
"We have to talk". Nothing good has ever
followed these words. Tell us all about it here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/wehavetotalk/
-------------------------------------------------
: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Cock-up is the new advertising? <<
Readers have spotted graffiti to promote a new
film and, on checking the URL, it appears the
agency has forgot to register it. Or have they?
It would be a brave campaign to pretend this
was the case, and certainly very effective at
getting your marketing message out.
http://www.ragevirus.com/
>> Russian Cakes <<
What's that famous anecdote? 'Nasa spent $10m
developing a pen that would write in zero
gravity, the Russians used a pencil.' And the
Ruskies bring a similar level of ingenuity to
their cake making, and as they say in the
former communist republic, 'naughty but
niceski.'
http://englishrussia.com/
>> Mathsturbation vs kittens <<
The pre-Youtube generation will remember the
days when 'internet funny' meant your dick-head
mate sending you a photo of a skipping cat
entitled, 'every time you masturbate, God kills
a kitten.' But have you ever wondered about the
maths of that?
http://snipurl.com/wanking_vs_cats
>> Preston is a cock dribble <<
Overseas readers will neither know or care who
Preston is, but here goes, he's a cocky little
gobshite who once appeared on Big Brother and
has stuck out a couple of records. The talk
page on Wikipedia details UK's antipathy to the
diminutive twerp quite effectively.
http://snipurl.com/wikipedia_Preston
>> How do mouse pointers work? <<
Nice Japanese viral featuring lots of men
holding up a MASSIVE mouse. No idea what it's
promoting, probably sushi or school girls'
knickers.
http://www.1-click.jp/
>> Second-hand car: Confidential <<
"I've just finished some fascinating reading
about a reporter who worked undercover for two
car dealerships. Enjoy!" writes Grampa.
Indeed, it's a great story that kept us reading
for blimming yonks.
http://snipurl.com/all_salesmen_r_cunts
-------------------------------------------------
: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
World's smallest teddy bear
We've never understood why of all animals, that
a bear would be picked as a suitable toy for
children, being as they are beastly, fearsome
things. Still, when they are little they are
terribly cute.
http://www.baraskit.se/random/archive/10/teddy_bea...
-------------------------------------------------
: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Viddies for kiddies, fliddies and biddies
>> Jack Black is Computer Man <<
An unlikely mishap brings a bloke's PC to
life... as Jack Black in a particularly
low-budget costume. Actually, a lot of the charm
is that it just looks like a couple of mates
mucking about with a video camera.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Computer_Man
>> 90's rock kid video diary <<
Blast from the past with Midlands-based thrash
metalhead Chris Needham wandering the streets of
Loughborough with his best mate on camera and
little brother in tow. He's a very droll man
- and check out the hair!
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> The Fonz meets paedophilia <<
A stomach-wrenchingly awkward and embarrassing
spectacle ensues as a variety of American TV
celebrities attempt sex education in song form.
We didn't even manage to sit through the whole
thing. Possibly NSFW, if your boss isn't keen on
words like 'vulva'.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Very early South Park <<
Again harking back to 1992, and what a golden
TV year that clearly was, a very very early
South Park. Weirdly, it looks a bit like a
shit version of Snoopy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Rita and Sue in 6 Minutes Too <<
Very quick dance remix of a Bradford-based
80s drama about an affair between two
schoolgirls and a married man. Lots of quotes,
awkward car-based sex and giggling.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rita_and_sue_in_6_minute...
>> Kid breaks glass with head <<
You'd think it was obviously a bad idea to try
to smash a massive pane of glass with your head
but this boy does it several times until he
succeeds. If you can call that 'success'.
Supposedly, the guy holding the camera and
encouraging him is his dad, which is rather
alarming.
http://b3ta.com/links/80945#post80945
-------------------------------------------------
: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Triple-way randy / cock / vag action
* COCKCHAFER - possibly the best named Beetle
ever. Bonus fact: like horse, considered a
delicacy by The French.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockchafer
* CHIEF RANDY PERSON - ok, the Randy joke has
been done many-a-time, but seldom so well.
http://www.ci.xenia.oh.us/police/default.htm
* DICK KUNTZ - our BBC correspondent Scaryduck
writes, "There is, of course, nothing funny
about American University shootings this week.
Apart from a guy called Dick Kuntz, of course.
Dick. Kuntz."
http://www.guardian.co.uk/worldlatest/story/0,,-65...
-------------------------------------------------
: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Self-Help Challenge
Last week we wanted you to imagine self-help
books for kids.
Your favourites included:
* SUESS - A beginner's guide to green eggs and
Nigerian scams (WillF)
* PORN - Introduce your children to the
unfettered joys of surfing for smut (Doctor
When)
* WANK - It's not all bad, honest. Teach kids
the truth about the rich pleasures of
cock-handling (Redbull_(UK))
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/self-help/
>> New challenge: 9/11 Conspiracies <<
Imagine you're a crackpot conspiracy theorist.
You must have some far-fetched opinion of what
really happened on 9/11. Please share it with
us using Photoshop's black magic.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/conspiracies/
-------------------------------------------------
: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CHEAP BOOZE CHALLENGE - continuing the
earlier theme bobby_onions writes, "I used to
teach C and C++ to HND students. They never
found it interesting until I set them an
exercise to write a program that worked out the
best value alcoholic drink. Results (at the
time) were that SHERRY was the best value, then
cider, then spirits. Things have probably
changed now but I can assure you there were
some newly-formed sherry drinkers roaming the
streets of Coventry for a while."
* LOTTERY PLAN REFUTED - last week we asked if
all 13 million (yeah right) B3ta readers
bought a lottery ticket covering all the
numbers, could be make more money than we put
in? Many of you wrote in to say it was a
dreadful idea. including Ian who wrote, "As
Sartre said, Hell is other people. The flaw in
the lottery plan is other people too. Other
people getting the right numbers, dividing the
jackpot, and reducing your take to less than
your investment. God I wish I was funny."
-------------------------------------------------
: FRIDAY GAME
Clicky round thing
In a parallel universe Underworld are currently
singing, "clicky clicky round thing, clicky
clicky round thing", as we've entitled this
rather woosome little challenge. It's a
frustrating little fucker.
http://www.k2xl.com/games/boomshine/
-------------------------------------------------
: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* ROTTEN ART - LOLerskates writes, "If you
place a slice of bologna on the hood of
someone's car on a sunny day, it'll eat the
paint off in a nice, neat circle. It's always
fun to make holes in the shape of eyes and a
smiley face, though, so your victim will smile
every time he sees the big patch of missing
paint on his car." We'd like to see evidence
please.
* SLOW-MOTION CUM SHOTS - borrow one of those
1000FPS cameras and film our own (if you're a
bloke) ejaculation.
* DIAMOND TIPPED RAZOR BLADES - that always
stay sharp and never need replacing.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
-------------------------------------------------
Subscribe: [email protected]
Unsubscribe: [email protected]
-------------------------------------------------
THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by fse357, social hand
grenade, GlazedEye, h0ly_j0e, dr_zoidberg, and
Parmesan. Top Tippery by setimret. Additional
linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subject line
honours go to Roland E O'Dorant. And the
question on everyone's lips, just who is B4ta?
-------------------------------------------------
TOP TIP:
Apples are the best cure for coffee breath.
