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This is a question Parsimony

Hullo tapirs, guffs Richard McBeef off the internet. One of my brother's friends once cycled from one side of London to the other to get some free lightbulbs from a condemned building, a 6-hour round trip. Tell us about the meanest, stingiest penny-pinching you've witnessed.

(, Wed 9 Mar 2016, 9:58)
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scared shitless of spending anything
First place I worked at was in IT Support at a college. The head of the repair department - lets call him Tony - was well known for being tragically tight - Tony always bought his lunch in, never bought a coffee, never went for a lunchtime beer, used teabags twice, grew a beard so as to save on buying razors.

Anyway, one day a new guy is starting, and - unusually - the manager of the whole department (different fella) decides we should go out for lunch to welcome him. This was uncommon, because he was a crap manager.

Tony is shitting himself - he's actually going to have to spend money. He makes it perfectly clear we are NOT splitting the bill when we get there, as he's "not very hungry". We go to this pizza place, and like me everyone is ordering what they actually fancy: giant pizzas dripping with ingredients, beers, garlic bread - who cares. I'm only on a small wage, especially compared to Tony, but it's hardly breaking the bank.

Tony scans the menu carefully, and orders a small neapolitan pizza. Tomato and Cheese. That's not a pizza, that's a pizza base. No drink, nothing else at all. The waitress brings them out, and puts condiments on the table - parmesan, dried oregano, etc. Tony cautiously asks "Are these free?". Fuck me - the poor twat has just outed himself as being so tight that he has obviously never been to any kind of cafe or restaurant in his life. Even the waitress is laughing at him.

Tony POURS on the dried parmesan, POURS on the dried oregano until his tiny crappy pizza is buried under a mountain of yellow-and-green dust. Not just too tight to spend money, but too tight not to take advantage of freebies and utterly ruin his food. Tony, tightwad though he is, is no iron-stomach champ. He's choking on this dry dusty shit pizza, but he's determined to finish it all. Meanwhile we're sipping beer, eating large moist slices of delicious pizza each larger than his tiny beermat of a pizza.

At the end, Tony is there red faced, practically dry heaving - but looking very smug. He's out of this for a fiver despite eating a fivers worth of parmesan and oregano on top. Practically cancels the expense out! While us idiots have gone through god knows how much money on our huge lunch and beers, despite actually enjoying our meal and ready to groan home on very full bellies. The bill comes, and Tony's eyebrows shoot up in smug curiosity - "How much is it!" He's DYING to know just how smug he should be.

"Who cares," says our usually crap manager "lunch is on me."

Tony's face loses all physical support and sags into crestfallen shock - he would have pigged himself stupid and ordered more to take home and freeze if only he'd known. I don't think he spoke to any of us for the rest of the week.

TL;DR - tightwads too tight to risk money on a free lunch
(, Wed 9 Mar 2016, 11:39, closed)
Though I knew what was coming I enjoyed this.
Makes a change from the usual story where the rest of us end up having to pay extra because of the fat cow who had two desserts and drank 8 glasses of bubbly.
(, Wed 9 Mar 2016, 11:48, closed)
Terrible bullying of rachelswipe

(, Wed 9 Mar 2016, 12:36, closed)
Winner.

(, Wed 9 Mar 2016, 12:33, closed)
I like this.
Nay, I even like it a lot.
(, Wed 9 Mar 2016, 16:59, closed)
this is, like, a properly written amusing anecdote on QOTW
I'm in a state of shock
(, Thu 10 Mar 2016, 8:01, closed)
Nice
Thanks!
(, Mon 14 Mar 2016, 19:26, closed)

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