In which we kill someone's wok (pearoast)
A mate, who we shall call Matthew (etc) had invited some friends round for a social get-together including me. By the time I arrived, another member of group, Ray had been arsing about with Matthew's Soda Stream. First creating soda water and then attempting carbonated milk. I declared that fizzy milk was the most putrid drink I had ever tasted.

Don't take my word for it, if you have the opportunity, try it yourself. It truly is rank and tastes like Satan's nob-cheese itself.

Meanwhile, I had located two cans of Coke in the freezer compartment in Matthew's fridge. Another mate drank a lot of Coke in those days and would usually bring four or five cans whenever he went anywhere. On this particular occasion, he had accidentally left a couple in Matthew's fridge.

I opened a can but being frozen, nothing came out. In order to get at the beverage, I found a large kitchen knife and sawed off the bottom of the can. I then realised that the icy Coke, once thawed, would be as flat as water.

So, as is typical of me and my propensity to fuck about with stuff, I set about thawing the Coke in Matthew's wok. The plan being that once it was liquid again, it could be mixed with soda water supplied by Ray from the soda stream and hopefully I would have a lovely glass of Cola.

Ray then pointed out that I would just end up with a very watery cola flavoured drink. I then sought to solve the problem by reducing the consistency of the Coke and boiling it down to a syrup. Let it cool, add the soda water and hey presto, Coke!

The resulting drink, once cooled was awful and was far too watery still. I was steadily becoming disillusioned with the idea and had wished I'd gone to Gateways* and bought a bottle instead.

Ray added the rest of the soda water, the fizzy milk and for some reason some TCP that he'd found in the cupboard.

Ray and I then went on to systematically raid Matthew's kitchen cupboards for other ingredients, adding tabasco sauce, chilli powder, oregano, curry powder, gravy granules, sugar, salt, ground black pepper and a few other odds and ends.

As we had this pan of a broth we thought we may as well sample, so we tasted a spoonful. It was utterly terrible, bordering on malevolent in it's unplaceable flavours.

Matthew came through to the kitchen and decided enough was enough and wanted to know why I had filled his wok with foul smelling chemicals. He put a stop to the kitchen activities as the smell of the TCP had began to percolate throughout the house.

I tipped the gletid** brown muck down the sink and washed out the wok.

The evening came to an end and everyone went home.

A few days later, Matthew contacted me and informed me that his house still smelled of TCP. He also wanted to know why the bottom had fell out his wok. It seemed the boiling Coke was corrosive enough to rot it away.

Matthew said the smell of TCP occupied his house for at least two weeks.



*Gateways - A low-brand yet overpriced convenience store in the late 80s early 90s.

**Gletid (adj) - A word we made up solely to describe what we'd concocted in Matthew's wok.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 31 May 2011, 17:10, 5 replies)

Why the fuck
didn't you thaw the coke, then recarbonate it in the soda stream. Job's a goodun.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 31 May 2011, 18:04, closed)

Because
anything apart from water being carbonated causes it to foam like crazy.

Besides, where's the fun it that?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 31 May 2011, 19:36, closed)

Milk and coke is a family thing with me...
Every year we have Ramadan and every evening my mother and brothers would break their fast with dates (apparently you get extra bonus points 'Because that's what the Prophet did) and milk and coke. It wasn't just any milk and coke. You had to put in a precise measurement of milk before you added the precise measurement of coke to get the truly, fantastic result of milk and coke. While I never hated it I don't think I've ever had more than two sips at a time. It's all wrong.

What's worse is milk and sprite. *shudders*

I also watched my uncle eat/slurp yoghurt and coke. Incidentally yoghurt and sugar is delicious especially when you eat it with old rotis (aka chapatis).
(Smysha Tra la la!, Tue 31 May 2011, 21:27, closed)

I imagine
yoghurt and Coke being not too far from an ice-cream float.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 0:32, closed)

What did the Prophet use?
Sprite or Coke?

shirley mixing milk with fizz is bad ?


edit: apparently carbonated milk, or Vio tastes "like a birthday party for a polar bear."

gothamist.com/2009/07/27/vio_mg_open_wide_for_cokes_new_carb.php
(Monkeystrumpet monkey. Monkey, MONKEY!!!, Wed 1 Jun 2011, 11:59, closed)