Customer from hell tutorial: Ordering a pizza on the phone
Courtesy of "THE INTERNET"
---------------------------------------

-If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

-Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

-Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

-Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

-Answer their questions with questions.

-Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

-Stutter on the letter "p."

-Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

-Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

-Change your accent every three seconds.

-Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

-Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

-Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

-Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

-Eliminate verbs from your speech.

-Ask to see a menu.

-Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

-Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

-Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

-When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

-Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

-Put them on hold.

-Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

-Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

-When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

-Order a one-inch pizza.

-Order using a Speak-n-Spell where possible.

-Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

-Order a steamed pizza.

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I think that'll do for now :-)
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 17:20, 22 replies)

FFS
This is about 8 years old.

Also, people who do do things like that can fuck right off. The order-taker is being paid to take your order, not put up with your infantile shit. If you're not going to fulfil your role as a customer they sure as fuck shouldn't have to fulfil their role of serving you food. If you do any of these I hope they either shit on your pizza or ban you from ordering from them again.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 17:23, closed)

.
Alright Todd, just let it go, yeah - they were just kids messing you about!

I know it ruined your chances of employee of the month, but just take it on the chin - there's always next month, right?!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 17:36, closed)

I'm not in the food industry myself -
I just have no time for cunts who think this kind of knobbery is funny.
( Bob Todd whee, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 17:43, closed)

Not only is this not answering the question at all,
it's not your work, and it's pathetic, immature shit.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 20:50, closed)

There seems to be

Alot of grumpy aul cunts answering questions today. Please revert yourself back to Redtube and ordering your Meals on Wheels.
(Dramamine, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 22:27, closed)

I never said it was my own work
Quite the opposite in fact

Just spicing things up a bit.

Not everyone on QOTW has read the WHOLE INTERNET you know...

And anyway, this deserves repeating, it may be as old as Moses but it always makes me smile :-)
( chart cat has an itch, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 2:43, closed)

I liked this...
Because (a) I'd not seen it before (as I indeed haven't seen most internets) and
(b) because the lady at Papa Joe's gave me a gold star last night for ordering without any of these problems.

Timing is everything.

Except length, of course.
(cheesehead, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 10:17, closed)

FFS
It plainly said at the top that it wasn't his work. And it's not intended to be tried, really- it's like the Dirty Sanchez or the Angry Pirate, something absurd to chuckle over because you know that no one would do these things.

Get a fucking grip, you two.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sat 6 Sep 2008, 12:35, closed)

I've not seen that before
and it made me giggle.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 15:22, closed)

I clicked for two reasons

One, because I've not seen it before, and it made me laugh.

Two, for Monty's response... very funny.
( Moey, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 15:43, closed)

todd
stop being a dobber
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 15:55, closed)

Todd Funcrusher
Get a fucking life

seriously.

This type of list has been around long before the internet as you would know it existed. The Original poster even stated it was not his own IP.

You comments were totally uninformed and unfair

I was using Gopher to access the database of dumb blonde jokes etc way back in the early 80s when you were still shoving your barbie doll up your fucking ass in the bath while you were trying to work out if you were a girl or a boy.

I guess judging by your profile you gave up too soon and you still have no fucking clue.

I recommend that you either stop being an arrogant little shit or you get back to pumping that barbie doll up your ass until you work out what the fuck you are.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 19:08, closed)

Seeing as I have worked in customer service, I would not say my comments are uninformed.
You, on the other hand, are a horrible, hate-filled person. I can't think of any other reason why you'd say something like that. All my life I've suffered derision, mistrust and verbal abuse from people like you whose automatic reaction to something they don't understand is shun, shun, take advantage, take advantage. It's not easy being an asexual in a sexual world, and it's not made any easier by ignorant people like you. Would you say these things to a gay (or to a straight, if you're gay)? If not, why not? Why do you think it's acceptable to say this to me?

One of these days I'm just going to snap and go postal. It's made it very hard for me to get close to anyone because I get such negative reactions whenever I tell anyone about it. I've lost people I thought were friends over it, and alienated people I thought were liberal and understanding.

Do you think I chose to be this way? Do you? I'm not doing this to be edgy and emo and different. I had no damn choice. I hate this part of myself and wish I wasn't different.
( Bob Todd whee, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 22:16, closed)

You just don't get it do you
Attention seeking emo retards like yourself infest the internet. You see fit to be excpetionally rude to the orgianl poster of this thread, and yet when someone is rude back, you just go for the Oh woe is me i'm just a poor victim line.

It just don't wash down my way sweetheart.

Call yourself a fucking Waahhhhaaambulance, and if you expect respect and politeness on the internet, I suggest you start by being polite yourself.

Your pissanty little attack on the original poster had no basis whatsoever and leaves you no moral high ground pedastal on which to preach your emo fucking nonsense to me darling.

Now go get the barbie doll back up your fucking ass and get on with your life.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 22:26, closed)

.
"I just have no time for cunts who think this kind of knobbery is funny."


... I think you're visiting the wrong website, my dear.
(Dramamine, Sat 6 Sep 2008, 22:41, closed)

Lets all play nice...
I loved the post. I know it's been around for a while, but I hadn't seen it for aaaaages and it actually made me cry with laughter.
(belafron, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 0:47, closed)

@Todd
Ummm... look, kiddo, I don't know anything about your sexuality or lack thereof, nor do I care. I'm more than a little perplexed as to how it pertains to this post, other than you screaming for attention. All I can say is that your commentary was silly bordering on asinine, and your reply above regarding your asexuality is just more attention-whoring. Please, go back to wherever you feel comfortable and leave the rest of us in peace, mmkay? Because frankly, none of us really gives a damn about whether or not your mimsy gets any activity. Really, we don't.

Now run along and play elsewhere, child.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Sun 7 Sep 2008, 1:40, closed)

^ Loon
This entire thread is now worthwhile, thanks to you :o)

You made me "lol out loud" as a tautological emo might say...

I wish there was an "I like this" button for such responses.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 12:33, closed)

^^ having seen the profile
id say the only attention that mimsy will get will be a mortician wadding it up

hopefully soon
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 15:20, closed)

^^
lol!
( notmyrealname, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 7:27, closed)

Now now, everyone, play nice.
Todd posted a dickish reply; she got duly (and deservingly) flamed. I think we should leave it there now.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 8 Sep 2008, 13:08, closed)

I laughed at my desk
til I cried. Never seen this before and loved it.

Quite fancy one with the crust on top...mmmm
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 11:30, closed)