Valentines Day '06
Ok, so I hate all this Hallmark Holiday bullshit, but I was determined to make an effort this year as my then-girlfriend, the lovely Anastasia and I were going through a rough patch and I could feel the best thing that had ever happened to me slipping through my fingers.

I ventured out, armed with debit card and purchased a massive Vettriano print, a 3 CD Nina Simone anthology, a huge bunch of roses, wine, chocolates and massive card, soppier than a Hull basement.

Pleased with myself, and bouyed with sweet images of reconciliation and mind-blowing sex, I presented them to my beloved with a flourish, accompanied by words of undying love and adoration. She accepted with shamen-like beatification, and deposited a small parcel into my trembling, sweaty paw.

I unwrapped this treasured gift in feverish anticipation. What had the object of my worship deigned to bestow upon my unworthy self?

A block. Of cheese.

Now, in all fairness, I wasn't really expecting anything, and it was stilton, with cranberries, encased in red wax in the shape of a love heart. However, it was still. A. Block. Of. Fucking. Cheese.

How my heart imploded. Did I catch a glimpse of malevolent glee in one almond eye?
Did an imperceptible exhalation of sadistic mirth pass from her divine lips?

Needless to say, the relationship finished its turbulent course a month later.
I'm over it now though. *sobs*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 13:27, 13 replies)

Do you really like cheese?
It would have been relevant if you did.
( girlinthehole, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 13:39, closed)

@BGB
I'm quite fond of it. However, I'd never given her any indication that I was so fond that I would be happy for it to constitute an entire Valentine's gift to the love of her life.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 13:41, closed)

It's a cheesy gift
Girl had a sense of humour.
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 13:53, closed)

@baz
Hmm, never thought of it in those terms.
My disappointment must have clouded my humour radar. *sees the light*

Bugger.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 13:57, closed)

Honestly
I think I would have wet my pants laughing. Not in a bad way at all, but heart-shaped cheese? Brilliant!

If my chap had come up with that as a valentines present, he would have got the extra-special sexings
(Jugular, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 14:01, closed)

Shit
I must be coming across as a right miserable bastard!

I do see the humour, and I have been dining out on this tale amongst friends for a couple of years.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 14:04, closed)

dining out...
... on cheese?

/spangs self
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 14:35, closed)

Jesus!
I didn't even spot that pun as I typed it!

*feels forehead*
*checks pulse*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 14:43, closed)

sounds disturbingly like my ex, also called Anastasia.
She'd expect a lot of stuff and give really crappy presents back, like a children's book about rabbits, or something.
Gah.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 30 Jun 2008, 14:44, closed)

You don't think...
*ponders*

How small a world could it possibly be?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:03, closed)

Disappointingly small, probably
But I like the way you write, so have a click.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:54, closed)

Heh, I've had this...
My ex-wife, only a year or so after we'd got married too. I got her a ton of stuff, just silly little things, and organised a meal, all that stuff.

And I got "I owe you a CD, I didn't get time to go and buy it this week"

O_o


EDIT: Ooh, I think mine was '06 too!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:58, closed)

i got a bottle of perfume that made tweed look up-to-date
and, as if that wasn't bad enough, he says "oh, i bought that last year. for my ex. but we split up."
FOR HIS FUCKING EX??????

yes, i dumped him. black silk boxers and cologne i bought him, the stingy fucker.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:15, closed)