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Profile for Smash Monkey:
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Oh, and she really enjoyed this, too:



i started this. not sure how or why.


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my name is nicola, but i prefer to be called nick. i'm not actually very good with the whole "art" thing, having spazz hands that won't do as they're told. i will get around to sticking pics of myself on here eventually.

Here's one made by Logovend:



Here is some form of award.
It is for the most unpleasant mental image of the day.
I now have 3 of these, i'm going for the record!


this is edward. he's the first pic i posted. shit, but i'm not apologising!



here's a recent one:
this is no longer recent, i've lost 5 stones since this was taken. i'll be posting a more current pic soon.

Recent front page messages:

i've developed a serious wool addiction


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just to clarify, i entered this because it's mine and it got me an FP. seems like a Smash hit to me! :D
(Mon 2nd Jun 2014, 15:32, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Presents

supposedly my best gift ever
or so my mum says. it's not exactly your average gift, but she still talks about it.

one year, when i was about 11 years old, mum came home from the shops in tears. she'd just been out to buy the christmas food, but somebody else had obviously been looking for a bargain and had mugged her and stolen her purse. she reported it to the police, who were, of course, no help whatsoever.
seeing my poor mum so distraught, i had a bit of a brainwave: i'd go carol singing! the few posher streets in our area were always good for a few quid, so i donned my parka and set off, towing mum's shopping trolley with me. fortunately, she didn't notice me taking it.
through the freezing wind and slushy snow i trudged, peddling my dodgy vocal talents from house to house. after 2 hours, i decided i'd had enough and called it a day. when i counted up my takings, the total was a little over 50. i was delighted! scurrying as quickly as i could, i made my way to the local supermarket, where i filled the trolley with festive treats, including a fairly decent sized turkey. every last penny went on shopping, from bread and milk to toilet rolls, everything i thought we'd need. feeling very pleased with myself, i towed the trolley home in the growing dusk.
i arrived home to see mum still red-eyed, worrying about how she'd cope without the food money. i showed her the trolley full of goodies and explained what i'd done.
i didn't expect the waterworks that followed! mum absolutely sobbed her eyes out. in my tiny kiddy brain, i thought i'd done something wrong.
she gave me the biggest hug imaginable and kept right on crying.
we had a great christmas that year.
that was 25 years ago, but she still talks about it.
(Fri 27th Nov 2009, 21:33, More)

» Drunk Parents

unexpected horse
after a christmas party one year, my parents went upstairs to, presumably, go to bed.
ten minutes later, i could hear thumps and muffled giggling coming from the upstairs landing.
unsure what i was about to see, i went to investigate.
there, on the landing, were my parents, draped in a bedsheet and bumping into walls.
"what the fuck are you two doing?" i asked. after a bit more giggling, mum's voice came floating out from under the sheet. "we're being a horse!" she said.
i left them to it and went back downstairs.
(Sat 26th Feb 2011, 22:05, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

there is a god
one day, i was on my merry way to the shops, on that infernal mode of transport known as a bus. all was going well, until the bus stopped and on got the Chav Princess. wearing head-to-toe pink, 6 inches of make-up and enough gold(ish) jewellery to put Mr. T to shame, she tottered up the bus, with her glittery pink phone clamped to her foundation-streaked ear.
the entire bus was then subjected to ten minutes of her loud and nasty conversation, ranging from the bloke she'd been "rammed up the shitter" by the night before, to how itchy her fanny was that morning. none of us wanted to hear this, but we really didn't have a choice. i remember her saying "yeah, i got a call back from that modelling agency, they said they've definitely got work for me. dirty bastard nearly cum on my tits while i was there! i don't really want to leave the salon, but they'll just have to manage without me."
by now, the whole bus was ready to throttle the little scrote.
then, something wonderful happened: her phone rang. while she was "talking" to someone on it.
she'd been caught out and she knew it. the snigger crept through the other passengers almost as fast as the blush of shame crept over her face. she answered the phone quickly, saying "yeah, dad, i'm on my way. i had to sign on first."
she jumped off the bus at the next stop. i doubt it was her stop, but if she could have got out of the emergency exit, i think she would have.
(Mon 3rd Aug 2009, 0:09, More)

» Dad stories

kung fu
when my sister was 7, she joined the local judo club.
after her first lesson, she came home, excited to show off her new-found skills.
"watch this, dad!" she says, taking a stance and moving her hands about in a vaguely jackie chan-ish way.
"are you watching my hands, dad?" she asks.
"yes, i'm watching," he replies.
my sister then proceeds to plant her delicate pink patent-leather shoe very forcefully into my dad's spuds. as he writhes in agony on the floor, poleaxed by his small daughter, my sister looks at him smugly and says "should have been watching my feet."
(Thu 25th Nov 2010, 18:34, More)

» Schadenfreude

a load of bollards
my brother, who is a cunt, really doesn't like me. he never has. he has spent a lifetime torturing me. sometimes, though, i get my own back.
one winter, when i was about 8, it snowed really hard. all the kids were outside building snowmen, except my brother. he would wait until someone had finished building a snowman, then he would run over and kick it to pieces. i've always believed that what goes around comes around, so i set a little trap.
while he was inside having lunch, i was busy in the carpark. i built a lovely snowman. well, partly snow, but mostly iron bollard. it took me about ten minutes to cover the bollard completely and convincingly.
just as i finished my trap, my brother finished his lunch and came back outside, determined to deliver more reebok-related mayhem.
spying my snowman, he gleefully ran up to it and, despite my heartfelt pleas for him not to kick it, he drew back his foot and let fly.
the agonized scream that issued from his lips moments later made the 3-week grounding that followed completely worthwhile. frosty may have been broken, but so were 3 of my arse-hat of a brother's toes. i may not be strong, but i definitely got the brains in my family!
(Fri 18th Dec 2009, 22:46, More)
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