» Mobile phone disasters

there is a god
one day, i was on my merry way to the shops, on that infernal mode of transport known as a bus. all was going well, until the bus stopped and on got the Chav Princess. wearing head-to-toe pink, 6 inches of make-up and enough gold(ish) jewellery to put Mr. T to shame, she tottered up the bus, with her glittery pink phone clamped to her foundation-streaked ear.
the entire bus was then subjected to ten minutes of her loud and nasty conversation, ranging from the bloke she'd been "rammed up the shitter" by the night before, to how itchy her fanny was that morning. none of us wanted to hear this, but we really didn't have a choice. i remember her saying "yeah, i got a call back from that modelling agency, they said they've definitely got work for me. dirty bastard nearly cum on my tits while i was there! i don't really want to leave the salon, but they'll just have to manage without me."
by now, the whole bus was ready to throttle the little scrote.
then, something wonderful happened: her phone rang. while she was "talking" to someone on it.
she'd been caught out and she knew it. the snigger crept through the other passengers almost as fast as the blush of shame crept over her face. she answered the phone quickly, saying "yeah, dad, i'm on my way. i had to sign on first."
she jumped off the bus at the next stop. i doubt it was her stop, but if she could have got out of the emergency exit, i think she would have.
(Mon 3rd Aug 2009, 0:09, More)

» Conspiracy theory nutters

cats in disguise
a friend of mine, a fellow b3tan, is a certified fruitloop. when i had a cat, he would occasionally turn to it and say "catface, pass the remote."
i pointed out to him that she was a cat and, therefore, unable to understand him, but he would say "one of these days, it'll slip up and pass me the remote, before realising its mistake."
now, i'm more than a bit freaked out by cats myself, but even i think he's weird.
(Thu 27th Aug 2009, 17:18, More)

» Hotel Splendido

a shithole in rhyme
when i was a young teenage lass,
i met a man with money and class
but i still lived at home,
so his hands couldn't roam,
or my mum would have drop-kicked his ass.

we thought that, as we wanted fun,
we'd head off for a weekend in the sun
a hotel for 2 nights
with some naughty delights
had us both setting off at a run.

we arrived in paris at seven
thinking that we'd find heaven
the hotel was double-booked,
we were basically fucked
we'd have been better off in devon.

a new hotel had to be found
one that would cost us many a pound
the bedsprings were broke,
he got a violent poke
and had to give me one on the ground.

breakfast was a sorry affair
there was jam on the back of my chair
the croissants were stale
and they tasted of snail*
and the jam then got stuck in my hair

the city itself was just fine
the coffee and pastries divine
but to think of that room
and its bedstead of doom
ruined both his trip and mine

we got back to the hotel at 8
hoping for dinner we weren't too late
but i almost went green
at the sight of the sheen
of the grease all over my plate

but despite our spirits flagging
and our bed that was constantly sagging,
we didn't break down and cry,
we just turned a blind eye
and spent the rest of the weekend shagging.

*foul taste was not snail, but shit didn't rhyme.
(Sun 20th Jan 2008, 2:52, More)

» Being told off as an adult

fucking plod!
several years ago, while still living with my parents, i was going out with a boy i shall call arsehole, because he was one.
one night, arsehole and i were smoking some very fine weed by the train station, waiting for the last train. as we heard the train coming, arsehole passed the spliff to me and ran off to get the train.
i started walking home, enjoying my drugly goodness right down to the roach, which i threw into the gutter.
cue an horrendous screech of elderly rage from behind me: "you can't throw fag stumps there! my dog might eat them!" i turned around to see the wizened she-homunculus and her vile rat-faced hound(it was wearing a doggy coat and hat. stupid bitch.) glaring at me. "who do you think you are?" she yells, "children could pick that up and smoke it! you should be ashamed of yourself!"
being more than a little stoned, i decided that this harridan warranted an answer greater than the usual "sorry".
looking her squarely in the eye, i mustered every ounce of outraged dignity i had, and let rip.
"madam," says i, "it is hardly my fault if you cannot control your dog well enough to stop it eating cigarette ends. as for children, it is now 10.50 at night and they should all be at home. you, however, should be IN a home. please, take your poorly-dressed mongrel out of my sight before i eat it."
the look on her face was more than worth it. i left her spluttering with rage and continued on my way home.
i decided to walk through the park, which is very open and well-lit.
halfway through the park, however, i was rather surprised to see a car coming across the grass towards me. realising that it was a police car and that it was making a beeline for me, i decided to stop and wait for it to get to me. this seemed to infuriate the ginger plod therein, who had obviously been anticipating a chase. he slammed on the brakes and fairly catapulted himself out of the car, trying his best to look stern and officious.
this does not work with ginger hair.
"where do you think you're going?" he demanded. i had thought i was about to be pulled for scaring old women.
"home," i replied, pointing in the direction of my house.
"no you're not, you don't even live around here!"
this was a surprise to me, as i was fairly sure that i had lived there for over ten years.
"yes i do," i said, "i live at ** ******* street."
"you do not!" he roared, "i know the man who owns that house, he hasn't even got any kids!"
i took out my purse and produced my railcard. "then can you explain why my railcard says quite clearly that i do live there?" i asked.
"you cheeky little shit!" he yelled, white foam by now appearing at the corners of his mouth. "i'm going to follow you all the way there and then, when he says he doesn't know you, i'm going to arrest you for lying to a police officer!"
gotcha! thinks i. "feel free," i tells plod, "you're the one who's going to look foolish."
well, he did follow me. he pulled his car up right outside my house and got out. i had a key, but i wanted my parents to see and hear this, so i knocked. my mum answered the door. this was getting better and better. mum will not stand for bullying of any kind, especially from the police.
"mum, this policeman says i don't live here, and when i said i did and showed him my railcard, he called me a liar and said he was going to arrest me!" cue waterworks from me, as mother becomes irate to the point of steaming.
"HOW DARE YOU!" she screams at the cowering plod. "MY DAUGHTER IS NO LIAR! HOW DARE YOU HARRASS MY CHILD(i was 24) FOR NO REASON!"
plod is now attempting to stutter his apologies, but this does nothing to calm my irate parent, who demands his name and badge number. "you haven't heard the last of this, you can count on that!"
plod now makes his escape, his face redder than a baboon's arse. mum immediately phones the police station and demands to speak to a superior officer. after ten minutes of haranguing, my mother yells "my daughter had better get a full apology, or i'll press charges of harrassment!" and slams the phone down.
i got my apology. i've seen that ginger pig around the place a few times, he always makes sure that he fails to see me...

no apologies for length, i can take it.
(Sun 23rd Sep 2007, 3:53, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

if i'm in my mum's house
and there's nobody else there, i still enjoy lying flat on my stomach and sliding down the stairs like a snake.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 22:33, More)