Bloke I Used To Work With
.
I worked for Transco, part of British Gas, and I met the unluckiest guy in the world. Lovely bloke, but unlucky.

He managed to write off 2 brand-new Land Rovers in a week.

First one had just been delivered and he took it home overnight. Next morning, got up, fired up Land Rover and drove out of his drive onto the hill leading from his house. Well there's been a wicked frost that night and the hill was just a sheet of black ice. Land Rover just started skidding downhill and then turned sideways just as it reached the main road at the junction at the bottom of the hill.

Bloke bailed out as the Land Rover slid gently into the traffic. One massively wrecked Land Rover.

So Transco gave bloke another brand new Land Rover. First one been smashed to bits was an accident that could have happened to anyone.

So a few days later, bloke drives shiny new Land Rover onto Morecombe Sands to take some readings from some instruments that were out on the flats. Parks up Land Rover, hops out and connects his gear to the instruments on the sands. Downloads data, farts and turns around to get back in the Land Rover - and freezes. It's gone. Not there. Pissed off. Missing. WTF?

Nobody could possibly have sneaked up and pinched it without him hearing or seeing something. He was miles in the middle of Morecombe fucking Bay for fucks sake! He could see in every direction for miles!

And then he noticed the car ariel. Sticking out of the sand. Bloody thing had sunk.

So off he trudged across the sand wondering how the fuck he was going to explain this one.

Cheers


And doubters and members of the "I Hate Legless Club"? Do us all a favour and just click ignore. That way, you'll never have to read my stuff again and the rest of us will, hopefully, be spared your childish tantrums and tedious whining. Or, if you *really* feel the need to let the rest of us know how you feel about me, at least have the courtesy to construct a decent flame. If you're going to hate me put some *effort* into it you drooling fuckwits.

Honestly, me being flamed on B3ta is like being savaged by a dead sheep.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 8:51, 24 replies)

great story
and well said, b3ta is full of hypocrites that's for sure.
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 9:15, closed)

But I Could Have Written.
Bloke I knew wrecked 2 Land Rovers in a week. Crashed one and the other sunk in quicksand...

...........................................

Same story but the Devil's in the detail. Just takes a little effort to turn a mundane tale into something almost interesting.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 10:02, closed)

l love your stories
anyone who doesn't should fuck off and stop moaning....
(hippyjunkiescum, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 10:32, closed)

Thank you
for you interesting and enjoyable stories. It doesn't matter if they are true or not. That said just because some of us have lead more interesting lives than others doesn't mean we are lying.
I often wonder if people believe all the jobs I've had but I don't care. I know I've been a sailor, a theatre stage manager, worked for an optician and now I'm a teacher.
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sat 27 Oct 2007, 10:53, closed)

more...
keep 'em coming Legless, I love reading your posts man

cheers
( Adolf Jitler is editor of Practical Shoelace Collector, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 11:08, closed)

never
underestimate the danger of a dead sheep, one them nearly took my eye out once.
(Halfy By light alone, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 11:28, closed)

Couldn't give a shit if they're true or not
They make me giggle.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 11:38, closed)

Magic....
Just magic.... bet the insurance claim form got passed round a lot too
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sat 27 Oct 2007, 11:49, closed)

can't spell "legend"
without leg(less).

oh no wait, i just remembered the picture you posted of "me".

legless, you still suck!!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 12:23, closed)

We love you legless
Never, ever stop
( chart cat has an itch, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 14:22, closed)

Damn
funny if you ask me.
Not that I'm a brown-noser or nuffink.
But you make them funny, even if they're all made up.
They're not made up are they? Say it ain't so :(
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 15:37, closed)

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.....
But enough.

My tales are, in the main, true. I've said it over and over again. Some are embelished a wee bit, and none of them have the dialogue exactly right, but the gist of the tales happened.

I am legion. I'm one of many,many people who bear the gift/curse/title of raconteur .

Meet me in the flesh and I'm ordinary. Take me out of situations I'm comfortable with and I'm quiet. But I'm always watching, always listening, always looking for some way to amuse myself and that often ends up with me thinking of ways to describe what's happened that might make an anecdote one day.

I tell my tales in two places. Here, on B3ta, and also on my blog (which I've sadly neglected). (Dear God I'm drunk..)


Actually, Im to pissed to write anymore.

wibble
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 16:17, closed)

Legless,
Just ignore the twunts. I love you.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 17:34, closed)

fucking hilarious
can't reply more because i'm still laughing
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sat 27 Oct 2007, 19:21, closed)

Leg(less)gend.
I lurk and I laugh and it's all thanks to you. Keep posting unhindered by the fuckwits.
(singingringingtree Living in the past., Sat 27 Oct 2007, 20:40, closed)

Whoever's whining
Please stop whining. It spoils things.

Legless, keep it up. ;-)
( eXOBeX, Sat 27 Oct 2007, 22:27, closed)

Keep it up!
Love the stories, Legless. Hope you'll keep contributing.
(FleetlordVT, Sun 28 Oct 2007, 15:08, closed)

Whinging twats
I've not been on here long, but am coming to recognise the "people to read" every time they post. Theres Rachelswipe,Resident Loon, Enzyme etc and of course, you. So please ignore the dicks who whine, keep posting, and isn't it funny how they are not regular contributors to the QOTW?
Criticism is easier than creation.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Sun 28 Oct 2007, 17:16, closed)

Legless
I wish I had your eye for detail. My stories tend to be somewhat pedestrian, not because they are unfunny but because I don't have that gift of turning a pedestrian story into a funny anecdote. I'm not being self-critical, I think there's many people on here who would say the same about themselves.

But there are a handful of people on this site, yourself included, who manage to make me laugh consistently every single week. For free!

My nose is starting to go brown now, so I'll just say - ignore the haters, and just keep doing what you're doing.
(MrC. Having the most boring username on b3ta since 2004, Sun 28 Oct 2007, 17:29, closed)

blog
Yeah, you have been neglecting your blog of late, you lazy git!

But otherwise, keep 'em coming mate. Hope your rain god powers have waned by the way...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 29 Oct 2007, 12:55, closed)

no, don't stop!
i love your stories!
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Mon 29 Oct 2007, 13:58, closed)

Truth
I don't really mind if they are true or not as they mostly sound like they might be, plus they aren't crap jokes badly written by knobheads which is a bit of a change. I thought about blocking you previously but you aren't nearly annoying enough, sorry.
(Benzyl, Mon 29 Oct 2007, 22:10, closed)

here, here;
I can only re-iterate the majority sentiment above. Truth is but one ingredient in the recipie of a good anecdote.

Even if it were all utter bullshit, it's funny bullshit, and that's what counts!
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 30 Oct 2007, 13:35, closed)

that's right
there is a reason they gave us the ignore button
(loki lie smith kiss me til I'm in a coma, Wed 31 Oct 2007, 6:16, closed)