We all have friends who are filthy and disgusting and if you don't then it is probably you.
I pulled up outside Dave's and parked next to the burnt out Astra as I couldn't get into the drive due to the scrap cars, rubbish and old mattresses which were crawling with rats. On the law was a dead dog in quite an advanced state of decomposition. The pathway appeared to be tarmaced but on closer inspection it was revealed to be countless animal turds which had dried and had been flattened down over the years. I approached to door and noticed the overflowing drain which smelt of vomit. A scum crust had formed on top like a rice pudding skin and occasional bubbles would emerge at the surface, which would let off a sweet pungent vile aroma as they burst. I knocked the door as I didn't want to touch the bell push as there was grey/green matter dangling from it like a piece of fresh nose snot. I heard Dave shout out, "'ang on a minute mate, I'll be right there", followed by lots of crashing and banging as he made through the empty beer cans and debris on his way to let me in.

Eventually the door opened. A strong musty smell and a cloud of flys hit me as the door swung open. Dave was standing there in a string vest and a pair of torn xxl Y-Fronts. A yellow map of cyprus festooned the torn gray front and a brown stripe which culminated with a dark hole which had rotted through the gusset close to his arsehole.
He was unshaved and was giving off a strong B.O. smell but he's my mate so I ignored it. The hallway was floor to ceiling high in black bin bags. I don't know what was in them although I swear I saw one move. "Mind yer feet", Dave warned me, as we made our way to the back room. I looked down to see several quite fresh turds and dead rodents. I reached out to turn the knob on the door to the back room. Dave quickly kicked the door open to stop me from touching the door knob. "You wouldn't want to touch that mate", Dave said, giving me a knowing wink. "Come through mate, take a seat", Dave said, sweeping a pile of rubbish off the sofa with his arm. I sat down and immediately became slightly uncomfortable as I felt the warm dampness soaking through my clothing. Dave went out to the kitchen to make a cup of tea and I just sat on this filthy sofa stroking the cat. Only after a few minutes I realised that the cat was dead and from the ooze eminating from its eyes, it became clear it had been dead for some time. The floor was virtually covered in old mouse chewed pizza boxes, take-away cartons, discarded sanitary towels and tampons, knotted condoms and bits of old food which had formed fluffy turquoise growths. Just then a rat ran across the room. Dave gently lifted a leg and brought his foot down hard on top of the doomed rodent as it passed underneath. As he stamped on the rat there was a loud squeak which was harmonised with the crunching of the bones and fluids hitting the wall. Dave just carried on as if nothing had happened.

As we sat drinking tea and chatting about beer, girls and football I looked over at something which had caught my eye. There was a large pool of vomit by the window which was being consumed by at least four rats. A melodious humming was present in the room as a cloud of flys hovered over the puke and turds, most which had grown a white mould coat. I took my mug back to the kitchen. A huge pile of pans and plates all with varying degrees of mould and filth, towered above the cracked sink which stunk of urine. Another dead cat was laying under the table. The belly moving around with the pocket of maggots wriggling inside. At the kitchen table was Dave's girfriend Derekella. A girl who was not blessed with much intelligence, looks, figure or personallity. She reminded me of the late Jade Goody only less attractive and less fragrent. She had only just got up and was sitting in her nightie which was just a large t-shirt. I was probably white once and had a logo on the front which I couldn't make out as it had been obscured with the stains of many a meal and ground in dirt. She was menstruating heavily but had not bothered using anything to contain the issue which was now dripping down her legs with the occasional clot falling off and landing on the floor next to her. She was smoking a cigarette which seemed to be stuck between her lips. A large gray ash fell from the cigarette and into her tea which she ignored. As I greeted her she lifted a single arse cheek from the chair and produced a fart a rugby player would have been proud to produce in the showers after a match. Sadly she had not taken into concideration the fact she was slightly loose that day and she followed through a bit. Some of the sticky brown shyte had found its way into a cardboard box containing dirty disposable nappies which she was going to scrape out and use again.

Soon it was time for me to leave and return home. Their house was disgustingly filthy. The smell was so strong it was making my eyes water. The dirt so ground in a bomb could not shift it and many dead creatures were laying around in various states of rotting. There was not a single area of floor which wasn't soiled with excrement, vomit and the blood and clots dripping from Derekella's gaping filthy minge. Still, it was a palace compared to mine.
(Mrs N is having her blobstrop on, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 11:10, 5 replies)

So very...
Barf inspiring. Well told, Sir!
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Fri 26 Mar 2010, 11:26, closed)

Apologies....
...and while perfectly competently written, I'm afraid I don't see the point.
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Fri 26 Mar 2010, 13:41, closed)

i cannot click "i like this"
as i have food poisoning and reading this has actually made me vomit.
EDIT: it's actually gastroenteritis. thanks, doc.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 14:03, closed)

Disgustingly awesome

( rofl harris, Fri 26 Mar 2010, 16:31, closed)

That was marvellous,
vile and hilarious.

I had a good chuckle at your profile page too

Cheers

*click*
(Rotimer was micturating windward at, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 15:13, closed)