pea-tinged portaloo avoidance trauma
One year, at download festival, we foolishly camped at the furthest point from any portaloos. anticipating smell, i think. anyhow, i should have paid more attention to the incipient mammoth richard.

anywhoo. day two. as a regular, 3 shits a day kinda guy, this was dangerous territory. i woke at noon in a blind panic, the sun was beating down through the tent, i was hungover in the most exceptional, two days of drinking nothing but alcohol and sweltering in a tent, dehydrated and still pished kind of way, and like it or not, the kraken had been summoned.
there was nothing i could do, the walk was too far, too many people awake, and even chuck norris couldn't have held the beast now bludgeoning against my poor beleaguered trapdoor with it's knotted, thorny brow.
there was nothing for it. i leapt up, grabbed a plastic bag, and headed for the 'spare' tent, where, in a crab pose an olympic gymnast would be proud of, i filled a carrier bag, knotted it, stumbled into the light gagging and traumatised, and slunk to the bin to dispose of the evidence.

this remained a secret until one fateful night, while drunk, i retold the tale to a couple of friends.

the following year, spurred on by my escapades and finding himself in a similar position (except we were a mere 20 yards from the damn toilets) my friend also shat in a bag in his tent.
here the story diverges though, as he left it sweltering in the sun all day in a knotted bag, then, when the coast was clear, selected a nearby tent at random, and tossed it in.
the dirty cnut.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 13:53, 6 replies)

That's
fucking disgusting.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 14:16, closed)

I have to say that if I found a turd in my tent
even in a bag, I would devote my life to the unceasing pursuit of the perpetrator and having found them, would push Thai birdseye chillies up their arse with a splintered broomstick.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 14:29, closed)

AGREED
we did all recoil in horror. i think he was hoping for some kind of kudos, not the simultaneous disgust. worse still, he blames me to this day.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 14:39, closed)

Claasy dude.
reminds me of when I left school, I did a part time job lugging stuff around a building site.

The brickies had a slightly odd sense of humour. One of them bought himself a brand new Ford capri, of which he was immensely proud.

One of his mates pinched the keys, shit in a newspaper, rolled it up and left it under the drivers seat, this was the height of summer.

When the guy opened the door, you could see the wave of stink hit him, knocking him backwards. Having ascertained the culprit, he wordlessly walked over to the neat cotswold stone wall the guy had spent all day laying, and kicked it over.
(username failed moderation, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 14:54, closed)

Haha
*click*
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 16:07, closed)

You working class types
never fail to disgust me.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 16:19, closed)