Dear People Of China,
1. You will stop smoking in hospitals.

2. You will let people get off subways, elevators and escalators before trying to get on.

3. You will stop pointing and laughing at foreigners. You will stop asking them to perform folk dances for you: they are not dancing bears. You will stop being amazed that they can speak Chinese, and stop presenting them on TV like the aforementioned dancing bears.

4. You will stop drinking green tea and whisky, and stop drinking red wine and sprite. These are crimes against alcohol.

5. You will stop eating durian. It's not nice for everyone else.

6. You will stop wearing glasses without lenses.

7. You will stop feather-blowing your hair (men) or dying it blonde (women).

8. You will stop dredging up phlegm in the morning; you will stop picking your nose in public, you will flush the fucking toilet, and you will stop pissing on the floor.

9. You will stop assuming that all foreigners are rich.

10. You will stop assuming that all foreigners are porn obsessed sex monsters.

11. You will no longer be impressed that foreigners can use chopsticks.

12. You will not believe that the apex of western culture is Backstreet Boys, Mariah Carey and Avril Lavigne.

13. You will become familiar with cheese - not cheese slices, not Dairylea, but cheese. Cheese is good.

14. You will stop charging 20 quid for a bog standard Cabernet Sauvignon.

15. You will unblock Facebook, Youtube, Flickr, Twitter, Blogger, IMDB, Allmusic.com and GooglePlus.

16. You will stop pretending that things which inconvenience your world-view don't exist.

17. You will share information, on time, prior to situations becoming critical.

18. You will stop playing songs with baby voices in the supermarket, and pan-pipes versions of The Carpenters. These are crimes against the ear.

19. You will act in an orderly fashion in the subway. Really. This is not too much to ask. If a train is full, there will be another one in a few minutes.

20. Bars may no longer charge 5 quid for a pint of Guinness, or any draft beer for that matter.

That is all.
(McChinaman banned, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:04, 13 replies)

Lacist.
Well, somebody had to...
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:27, closed)

*slow claps*

(McChinaman banned, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:28, closed)

Glasses without lenses?
Homeopathy really is going too far.


Do they really wear such things? Why?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 10:46, closed)

They do, thousands of them. Thick black "Joe-90" frames are fashionable at the moment. But having bad eyesight is not: so lensless frames everywhere.

It's like being surrounded by hundreds of miniature Nana Mouskouris
( jagwap, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:30, closed)

Chinaman.
You will move out of China.

It's the simplest solution.

Why the fuck do you live in that shithole anyway?
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:01, closed)

I could easily do a list of 20 reasons why I really like China
but it's not really on-topic!
(McChinaman banned, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:34, closed)

"This place would be great if it weren't for all the damn people."
I understand this sentiment completely.
( Felis Concolor, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 2:56, closed)

I doubt they'll listen
The chinese aren't exactly known for doing exactly what they're told by an authoritative totalitarian government.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 11:39, closed)

15. You will unblock Facebook, Youtube, Flickr, Twitter, Blogger, IMDB, Allmusic.com and GooglePlus.
Why? sounds like something we should have in place here.
(MayorBoris, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 12:45, closed)

But without youtube
/links would be a wasteland...
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 13:00, closed)

Isn't the lack of cheese in China
because a large percentage of them are lactose intolerant?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 14:00, closed)

You've been away too long...
we're about 50p off £5 for a pint of Guiness in London
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 15:13, closed)

I like this!)
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 20:17, closed)