Dear Enzyme (for he is my God this week),
Hello God,

I've been reading my bible like a good little boy, but some passages have made me a tad confused. Hopefully you can help me out here:

1) Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to the English, but not Irish people. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own some Irishmen?

2) I would like to sell my son into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for him?

3) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is: my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than being a gayer. I do not agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?

7) Lev.21:20 state that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wriggle-room here?

8) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? Again, do I do this myself or there an official body that you contract this out to?

9) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean but I had some scratching with my pint last Saturday. Any way out of this?

10) My mate Sid has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field. His wife violates the same order by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and take the Lords name in vain quite a lot. Is it necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

11) I should also mention the tattoos (Lev 19:28) - any chance of forgiveness for those? Some are quite pretty and bet you're a fan of Thundercats!

Please help me Enzyme, you're my only hope.

Love, hugs and holy kisses,

Spikeypickle (age 30years and 51 weeks exactly!)

PS: I'm also 'living in sin', had some sex out of wedlock and 'spilt some seed'. Any chance of a bit of forgiveness there as well please pal?
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:24, 11 replies)

He isn't god.
He's a Saint and a dead one at that:

chcb-wible.blogspot.com/2008/04/martyrdom-of-st-enzyme.html

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:27, closed)

Cunting Heathen!!!
I suspect you're going to be mightily smited for your lies and hypocrisy!!!
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:30, closed)

Smite.
Rhymes with "shite."
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:38, closed)

Oh, well,
if he's SO powerful how come I beat him at Scrabble, eh? EH?
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:42, closed)

I beat him at Twister.
Oh no, that was Death.

Bill.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:46, closed)

*fingers in ears and eyes closed*
LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:14, closed)

Brilliant!
In the words of Father Jack Hackett

"That would be an ecumenical matter"
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:34, closed)

re :burning a bull on the altar as a sacrifice
Have you got the temperature on your barbecue wrong?

Just a thought.
.
(whiskas loved by 8 out of 10 cats, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 10:55, closed)

Re: 7
Interesting question I have myself asked and there is indeed wiggle room. Apparently that passage refers only to those unfortunate enough to have cateracts.

scripturetext.com/leviticus/21-20.htm

Blind and smited all at once. Lovely.
( Devon Dan without geometry, there would be no point, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 11:59, closed)

And that just goes to prove
that the Book of Leviticus is by far the most insane, irrational and downright pointless part of the Bible.

I hate Leviticus.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 16:55, closed)

Yeah, me too
I hate all of them boring fonts.
(Rsoles, Fri 20 Mar 2009, 19:22, closed)