The tale of the whale
In their later years, my grandparent’s relationship slowly drifted apart (separate bedrooms, lots of bickering).

I put this down to my nan being a lazy-arsed halfwit, who decided that for the last 20 years of her life, wouldn’t lift a finger to do anything.

This left my poor old granddad (who was a lovely but stubborn git) to do everything, including the cooking, cleaning and maintaining his big allotment (although I expect this was more to escape from her clutches).

His lungs were badly damaged from smoking and working around some dodgy substances in his youth, so breathing and walking got more and more difficult.

Anyway, getting back to the funny part, one day I was sat in their lounge with my old man, when nan comes lolloping down the stairs after a visit to the shithouse. Her chair was in the corner of the room and she had to negotiate my granddad's chair (with him sat in it) to reach it.

Just as she not-so-nimbly dances over the carpet, she takes a fall (probably on purpose – see the 'shit in a shoe' post in a previous qotw) and lands firmly on my granddad.

Of course, my first reaction is one of shock, but this was immediately replaced with a giggling fit of epic proportions, when my granddad shouted the immortal line:

“GET OFF ME YOU FUCKING FAT WHALE.”

I couldn’t move for laughing for about five minutes and neither could my dad.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Fri 23 Jul 2010, 13:15, Reply)