Everybody loves a story about poo...
I like nothing better than to unfurl a large, and offensive smelling cable, usually on company time as my feckless, shite-hawk of an employer gives me little else to haul myself out of bed for and drive 40 miles every morning.

Timing is everything. Its important to ensure that you are suitably advanced in the 'needing to do a number 2' phase that actually passing the stool will not be an arduous, difficult experience involving straining and contraction of the sphinctus muscle so tightly that you almost have a stroke.. but also not so far advanced that you deposit warm caramel angel delight in your undergarments before actually reaching the facilities.

Selecting the right trap is crucial. I normally choose the disabled toilet as it is a single room on its own, rather than being in the feculant air of the general stalls. I do this for 2 reasons.. firstly I can make as much vocal accompaniment as I need to and secondly, I dont have to share my primeval fug with any of the other scrotes in the building.

Then I wipe the loo seat with a generous handful of toilet paper, to remove any splashback or pubic wire from the previous patron.

I lower my trousers and shreddies and present my posterior to the seat. At this point I normally have some reading matter to hand, be it 'House and Garden" or "Bill Bryson's Notes from a small island" and relax to enjoy this literary feast.

Presently the pace car will detach itself from the head of the flow like a moraine on a glacier and drop lazily into the waters below.

Then the involuntary contraction of my anus will bring forth anything from 2 to 5 large torpedoes of faecal matter which will dive into the bowl like lemmings from a cliff.

The secret then is not to immediately wipe, flush, wash and leave, but to savour the moment, the slightly putrid aura and the sated feeling one gets after passing a particularly large and ungainly stool.

I can normally draw this out to an hour, although in some less than interesting jobs, I have been known to spend all afternoon engaged in my bathroom rituals.

After all, it's the small pleasures that give us the largest return, right?
(Vic Flange, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 12:55, 10 replies)

Freud might have something to say
You may not have passed your anal stage.
(frankspencer, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 12:57, closed)

But...
.. I have no sexual designs on my mother.
So we're alright there.
(Vic Flange, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 12:59, closed)

It's very satisfying
to stand up and observe a sight like Scapa Flow after the scuttling of the German fleet.

But spending an hour on the bog is likely to lead to a bit of bother with the ol' Chalfonts.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:00, closed)

I'm giggling like a lunatic
*clicks*
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 13:38, closed)

Huh.
Maybe it's because I'm vegetarian, or just because I'm not a fat knacker, but that sounds like a LOT to be dropping off in one go.
(Musuko, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 17:38, closed)

You should probably eat more fibre then...
I weight 10st 12 and am 5ft 10 so I'm hardly in the corpulent stakes. I drop a load of this description sometimes twice a day.
(Vic Flange, Thu 13 Mar 2008, 17:41, closed)

"You should probably eat more fibre then..."
I eat plenty of fibre. Lots of fruit (sometimes far too much fibre...apples are killer) and veg, and pasta almost every day, not to mention good ol' Weetabix. It comes out easily enough...

...but the quantities you describe? What on earth are you eating?
(Musuko, Fri 14 Mar 2008, 14:17, closed)

my toilet has been renamed The Reading Room
as i would go in there to drop the kids off and sometimes not emerge for 2 hours, especially if i'd taken a new terry pratchett in there with me. i find that, since i quit smoking, i no longer bother to linger in there. i just poo, wipe and go.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 3:01, closed)

That sounds like a healthy amount of poo
One should ideally have a poo for every meal consumed - I am a regular 3-a-day gal.
Incidentally, do you know why poos have tapered ends............???


To prevent one's ringpiece from closing with a bang, of course.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 16 Mar 2008, 18:18, closed)

Yes!
Although when it gets to the half-hour mark i start to lose all feeling in my legs.

The other day i got caught out by a fire drill at work as well. The fire warden thought i had MS because i couldn't walk properly. I struggled to come up with a plausible explanation other than the fact i'd been playing poker on my phone for the last 45 minutes and my legs were suffering from lack of movement and severe cramps/pins and needles.

Suffice to say i couldn't think of one.

Still, got a ride in one of those evac chairs (chairs with caterpillar tracks instead of wheels to navigate stairs).

I have a meeting with HR on Friday. I think they might know i was lying.
(Nuclear Ninja like a radioactive Chuck Norris..., Tue 18 Mar 2008, 14:19, closed)