Golden Showers - should have gone right instead of left...
I've known my friend Sean for a good few years; he was one of the first people I met since moving to this country and although being a bit crazed (I'm sure he won't mind me saying this), he is a great bloke. His bird's also lovely and they get along really well and I have absolutely no problem with her.

So I drive up to come and chill with him for the evening. He lives about 40 miles from me so it's more common than not for me to kip on his couch - whenever I turn up, it's one of the first things he offers me which is always nice.

So the evening in particular, I call to say I'm on my way and he tells me he's round another person's house and to come over. I've met these other people once or twice before and all's cool. I asked him if he could get his hands on any greenery and he says it's almost certainly likely.

I turn up and there's a 12 pack in the fridge as well as the 12 pack in my hands, both of which get demolished by four of us in about half an hour, with me having probably more than my fair share (hey I'm English, I've got a whole nation's reputation to upkeep here). Then the bucket bongs (gravity bongs for your Americans) come out and it's been a few years since I've had one, so I agree, it's looking like it'll the only chance to smoke any of the small amount of greenery on offer and damn it it's been a hard week. Being the big man and trying not to cough - although anyone who's hit one of these will tell you, it's like trying to inhale a solid rock of smoke down a small pipe - I hit it, hard, and hold it in once before choking - just the once (without any smoke coming out, you know the one), but I can feel all the beer, and my dinner, coming up fast.

Unfortunately this isn't my tale of being a bad house guest as I excuse myself to the bathroom, 'lose me lunch', wash my face and walk back out unnoticed only to crack another beer and jump back on the horse, as it were.

So yeah everything's going swimmingly, more beer gets drunk, albeit at a more steady rate, then it's back to Sean's to watch some TV and generally pass out for the evening. Which is what I did...

"Mr_Lew, wake up!"
"...huh?"
"Wake up, you've just pissed everywhere!"
"...huh? Nah man, what?"
"You've just pissed all over my bed!" Bollocks, I think, I'm just sleeping here on the sofa, he's winding me up, "you've just pissed all over my bed, now you've gone to sleep in my dog's bed!"

OK, this is where things start to click in my mind. I am feeling the relief of a person who's recently been to the bathroom after having a full bladder, but... But I was asleep... So this kind of wakes me up and I start to deny it in my foggyness, half opening my eyes, "look, there's piss all over the front of your shorts!" Hmmm, my leg is a bit wet...

So I open my eyes fully and realise that yes, I am indeed asleep next to his dog who looks a bit pissed off at me being there. There's also a big semi-circular (only because I was wearing shorts) wet patch on my knee, and then I hear the shower running and hear the immortal words: "YOU'VE PISSED ALL OVER MY GIRLFRIEND!"

Mortified was not the word.

Luckily for him he'd not been in bed and had been watching TV with me (although I'd long since passed out) and I'd got up, obvious to all I was going to the toilet. He said he looked at me and my eyes were closed though. I then left the room and apparently took a left turn into his bedroom instead of a right into the bathroom and mistaken his white cotton sheets for a big white porcelain bowl.

In my defense I didn't actually piss directly onto his girlfriend but did unleash a whole bladder onto his memory foam mattress which seeped (sept?) over to her side of the bed, before walking to the other side of the bed and going to sleep with his dog on the floor. The wetness apparently awoke his lovely sleeping Mrs who realised what had happened and told him about it. I'm surprised he didn't knock me out (in fact when I was blotting my piss out of his expensive memory foam mattress topper with kitchen roll I did contemplate offering my face to his fist).

Luckily they both kind of saw the funny side and yes I have been back and stayed the night since (even under invitation), the first thing his girlfriend said to the people already there who I'd never met? "meet the only guy who's ever given me a golden shower."
(Mr_Lew, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 3:58, 2 replies)

Fuuuuuuuuuuck!
You had me cringing there.

There are few things worse than waking up knowing you've pissed but not knowing where.
( Evil Bastardo, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 15:59, closed)

*click*
Nice :D
(shamen Geekius Maximus, Fri 7 Jan 2011, 16:31, closed)