German Stalkers
I've actually had two german female stalkers. Dunno why - both after I lived in Germany, and had not met them whilst there.

No 1 I met when on manouvres with the Army in Dortmund - very dizzy blonde, damn good laugh and had a thing for my mate. She helped me back to barracks when I got so pissed I cracked my head open falling of a bar stool, and ensured I didn't end up in the cells.

Anyway out of the blue some months later she starts writing to me. So a little pen pal ship continues, then one day she writes admitting she fallen for me. Being the inecure little sod I was back then I basically went along with it. Used to get lots of late night phone calls from her, promises I would try and see her soon (though I meant see to her, if you know what I mean)

Time passes, I move north and end up shagging a girl with low morals and better locality - this lasted a while, then we split - the same time my mum calls and tells me the German has been calling me saying she is in nottingham. For a laugh I phone her - next thing I know she's at the front door. Her dizziness which I originally like seems to have morphed into something more darker. Still I do my best to keep here entertained, but then my flatmates announce she cannot stay here alone that night (as I had night shift). I ended up taking her to work with me, and pleading with the Security guard from hell to keep quiet about it (which he agreed to).

A couple of days later I am at a mates pub in Oldham when she pages me out of the blue - she has hitch hiked from home and is at Oldham nick - a frantic search around Oldham and I eventually locate her. She goes off to chat with the mates missus while I go drinking, and later I find she has been discussing how we are planning a family and how she is moving in. Alarms ring - get shot quick!

That night I slipped upstairs and pretended to fall asleep, and bint comes upstairs and keeps prodding me "Vayne! I vant to tsalk mit du" - which she does relentlessly - all night. She just sits and stares at me for 14 hours, which I pretended to be asleep for, scaring the bejesus out of me. That's when I knew it was over. She left the next day and we never spoke again.

But this one has a double whammy - a couple of weeks later I am called into my bosses office about a complaint about bringing a girl into work. I am given my second written warning, but I just thank my boss and call it a day. Lost the girl, lost the job, did not want to lose the plot.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:26, Reply)