Gordon writes..
In response to this letter.

Dear Voter Pleb Underling Peasant Chad,

I read your letter (I say "read", I actually had someone turn it up the rigt way for me and point out the bigger words) and am gratful that you understand my plight.

In these difficult times, when I seem to have lost the support of the country I so long wished to rule with a passion that was second only to the longing that I had for the beautiful man who preceded me and the longing my "wife" has for money and social standing.

Life was easier when we were in opposition - darling Tony and I laughed and talked of the carefree days we spent at University together. Of sharing student digs together and, purely because we couldn't afford to pay the heating bill, of the duvet we huddled under. Tony says it was purely for those reasons, yet (between you and I) he always had money for guitar strings and to take that cavernous-maw-on-legs out to dinner, so I think he might be telling a fib, though. Sometimes when I'm with Sarah I imagine myself back in that sweaty student flat. I bought her a pair of strap-on ears but it's just not the same...

Now we've been in power for so long that I have forgotten the simple joys of being able to claim vast expenses and do very little - also, betwen you and I, I don't think people are buying the excuse "it's the fault of the previous government" anymore as we were the prvious government. And the one before that, too.

I know that it might seem like I've been uncaring about the soldiers, but to be honest I've had so many Ministers of Defence and Home Secretaries that it's hard to keep track of what I'm supposed to be doing. It got worse when Tony dumped me for that slag George and I spent hours doodling "Tony 4 Gordon" in my dispatch notes when I should have paid attention - I can see now that was probably less than wise. Besides, is it such a big deal that I mis-spelled one soldier's name, when I couldn't even be bothered to learn the other ones' names?

When everyone calls me names and says I am incompetent, it's hard to know which advice is correct - I can't pull out of the war without looking like we shouldn't have gone in the first place, yet we can't keep fighting if I want to stay here at number 10. I like it here - I've got my posters on the wall and I've got a special room where I can throw my toys at targets...or, "interns" I think was the word that Sarah used. (I don't like her much - she's not as much fun as Tony and she won't wear the ears...). I've got my poster of Margaret Thatcher and my cuddly Stalin and all my other things are here, too. I don't want to leave!

I don't understand why you feel the way you do about me - I've tried being approachable - do you know how hard it was for me not to wear a tie that time? Or to smile and pretend to actually care about you plebs when I was on that dreadful show with Piers Morgan? I have tried so hard and, just because I might have made a teeny mistake over the economy, suddenly you all hate me - admittedly I might have thought that the price of gold would defy the cycle that had stood for hundreds of years and, yes, I might have thought that giving the dole-scroungers the ability to buy on credit was a sure-fire way to win an popularity contest and prove my financial wizardry.

I thank you for trying to understand my horrible situation when so many of your "class" would prefer to pelt me with shit-covered rotten fruit - you genuinely seemed to try to understand my position.

By the way, the odds are I wouldn't need you to piss on my gums - the draught across my teeth from my slack-faced yawn would put out the flames. Thank you for your concern, though.

Yours, etc.

Gordon
(Chad, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 10:51, 7 replies)

*instaclicks*
You forgot the PFI minefield he's been planting for years, though I suspect he forgot to put any marker flags in...
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 10:54, closed)

Fuck me, there's some genuinely cunning satire here.
*Forwards to Private Eye*
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 11:31, closed)

*click*
excellent
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 11:38, closed)

Haha it's FUNNY because you've used rude words!

( Theoban What of it, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 11:46, closed)

Calling Gordon Brown thick and gay
Good one.
(__, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 11:46, closed)

Are you saying gay people don't make good leaders?

(__, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 11:49, closed)

You giant homophobe.

(__, Thu 11 Mar 2010, 11:49, closed)