Oh, my God – I’m going to die...
Is a thought that often goes through your head when you’re walking alone, pissed, through Camden Town late at night. One time I spied a group of teenage hoodie wannabe gangsta’s, probably tooled-up with more pointy sharpy stabby things than your average hoard of marauding Vikings with a weird knife fetish pillaging a cutlery factory, when I automatically went into my tried and tested – please dont mug / stab / anally-rape me self defence routine. No, I didn’t get medieval on their asses. Instead, I reflexively pulled out my mobile and pretended to be deep in conversation as I ambled drunkenly past.

The hoodies stopped their conversation and stared. Shit... Yep, this is it... I am actually going to die. I’m going to be on the news tomorrow, I do hope they choose a nice photo of me as they cut between this and the street where they find my bloody body, cordened off with police tape. And I hope there’s flowers, lots and lots of nice flowers... Maybe a teddybear or two... In an attempt to stave off certain, grusome death I started speaking louder into my phone, I was having a particularly heated pretend conversation.

Then something fucking horrible happened. As I walked past and thought I’d cleared the gang of hoodies, one of them called after me. “Oi, maaiite!” I ignored the fucker, continued my inane rambling conversation. “OI, MAAAIIITTTE!!! I’M TALKIN' TO YOUZE!!!” Then I felt a firm hand on my shoulder, I had to fight really hard not to piss and shit myself on the spot. The little fella – probably only about sixteen or so – jogged up next to me and asked: “Why you speakin into a packet of ten Marlborough lights, innit?”

Ohhh, the shame...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 15:43, 5 replies)

Utter
Spackhead

:)
( snee held his breath since, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 16:08, closed)

that is shameful
smoking marlboro lights....

smoke a man's cigarette. and in packs of 20.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 16:15, closed)

Sometimes I suprise myself
that I'm not a big gay bear
( SpankyHanky, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 16:24, closed)

Mobilefail

(Evilweevil is covered in bees, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 16:56, closed)

probably tooled-up with more pointy sharpy stabby things than your average hoard of marauding Vikings with a weird knife fetish pillaging a cutlery factory
So you've met Kaol?
( Captain V, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 20:32, closed)