Phones + Computer fun
Many things can be done with the phones and computers in our place:

Phones:
Blu-tack the handset down works really well. My boss nearly knocked himself out with the phone!

Change the phone system to replace your bosses name with twunt so it appears in the Index - or change your name to something really stupid then phone your boss

Use spare handset and hide phone's handset off the back of the desk. Then ring the person and laugh as their phone drops to bits!

Computers:
We set I.E. to any NSFW site if anyone leaves their PC

A screenshot of the desktop is set as a backdrop, then move most (but not all) of the icons out of the way. Entertaining as Outlook works, but I.E. doesn't

First post, eeek!
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Wed 4 May 2005, 13:08, Reply)

University application...
Getting hold of my good friend's university application for Oxbridge and changing the words "Hong Kong" to "King Kong". It got picked up by the interviewer too ! He didn't get a place.
(DrGonzo, Wed 4 May 2005, 13:07, Reply)

bye bye bad breath
my little sister used to be a beast, and if i hite her i got in trouble, so i invented many subtle ways of getting my revenge...

The best was emptying a perfume sample onto her toothbrush... in the evening, as she refused to brush her teeth because it tasted nasty and spat out her toothpaste at dad, i watched with glee as she got smacked...

HAHAHAHA
(chesty, Wed 4 May 2005, 13:01, Reply)

CNN
For a few weeks in the Early 90s I took calls from a well know Cable News Network in America they were really pissed off. Before leaving for her new job in England a co-worker had changed the password on their main server and they had no idea how to reset it, they owed her a few $1000 in overtime and she didn't release the password untill she got paid.
( Terry Oblong There's nobody here but us chickens on, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:59, Reply)

Bee hatch
Well, my bird, now ex-bird, told me she was leaving. I kind of knew the old "I need some space" tale was a crock as she was already seeing someone else behind my back. She, however, wanted to stay living in my house while she sorted out digs. So, unknown to her, I took to p*ssing in her drinks, wiping my knob-smeg on cutlery she was using as well as her toothbrush, jizzing in her food while she was out of the room, putting jizz in her toothpaste and the ubequitous cleaning my boss-end and rectal areas with her toothbrush.

I also burned random items of her clothing while she was out. And torched the furniture she left behind, which was most satisfying, having rammed the two old lady armchairs FULL of aerosol cans. How my brothers and I laughed as the unemployable midget's furniture rained down on my next door neighbour's washing.

It was all for the best I realise now, as I now have a "real" woman as opposed to a 28 year old with the mentality of a pre-pubescent. Which is nice.
(mashman99, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:58, Reply)

Autocorrect again i'm afraid...
So many people seem to have missed an oppertunity. One that i took some time ago.

We Picked the guy who looks at the keys as he types.

He was a slimy and needy guy who kept on mailing colleages asking if they want to go for coffee...

*Re-set Autocorrect to replace "coffee" with "semen".*

Quick messages don't require proofreading.

Result. It was funny and a private joke between a few of us until he arranged a big meeting and mailed around 30 people with this appology....

"I know it's a long meeting guys, but semen and biscuits will be provided"
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 4 May 2005, 12:57, Reply)

Back
in the middle ages of MacOS (about System 7.5) there was a wee application that lived in the Apple menu called "Shut Down". As the name suggests, it shut down your computer, no questions asked, goodnight Saigon.

First company I worked for full time had a particular member of staff who used to regularly rub me up the wrong way. So one afternoon I nipped in over the office network and copied the "Shut Down" app from her Apple Menu folder into her Startup Items folder. Everything was fine for the rest of the day, but when she came in and switched on her computer the next morning, it ran through the whole startup procedure... then immediately shut down again. And again. And again. And again.

She repeated this a few times, then tech support got involved (another shower of gits) and it graduated to Real Big Fun as the best part of two man days was pissed up against the wall, since of course the computer would restart fine from a CD or with 'shift' held down to disable extensions (and startup items) and had absolutely no hardware or software faults.

Another top Mac knackerer used to be to rename a random file "StartupScreen" and stick it in the system folder. Not only would it spazz out and restart during boot, but it would display an amazing screen full of multi-coloured noise that just screamed "ha ha ha, I am permanently fucked".
(Wong Fei-Hung - now with added flickr.com (see profile), Wed 4 May 2005, 12:57, Reply)

Many years ago
I lived in a flat with my girlfriend and her sister, whom I hated.
The sabotage began innocently enough by melting the solder on the wire to the battery terminal of her walkman so there was only intermittent contact. Drove her fucking crazy.
It ended up getting nasty when I did the same thing to her vibrator.
(peewee13, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:57, Reply)

Not me but a mate of mines favourite trick
is to set peoples mobile phone language to Arabic when they are not looking
( Big Ian has stopped changing his sig, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:56, Reply)

School computer ignorance
Our school got a bunch of Apple Mac in about..ooo 1992...
Much like windows does now you could associate soundfiles with actions.

I associated the sound "WARNING: YOUR FILE HAS BEEN DELETED" with the Save action in the word processor






I got 2 weeks detention.
(DrTchock reporting live from the White Chocolate Farm, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:53, Reply)

I confess...
When I was a teenager I did the obligatory 'working for Woolworths at Christmas time' stint. I got stuck on the busiest section i.e. the front desk, when what I really wanted was to work on the record counter. I took my revenge when I was made to restack the sweet shelves at the end of the day by squeezing all the chocolate bars, especially the Turkish Delight. It was so satisfying feeling it crack under the pressure. Makes me wonder why I ever left??
(TornadoDivine, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:45, Reply)

Simple...
I set my boss' Microsoft Word to "autocorrect" the word "the" with "cunt".

He thought it was a virus.
( Mr Gear the gay-maker, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:41, Reply)

Lazy arse
At second year in uni I lived with a rather slovenly bloke who took absurd amounts of time pampering himself, cruising around in a dressing gown, not buying any food, snarfing all that wasn't his, not ever going to uni, but complaining about the work - just generally being a waste of space (even for student standards)
Said bloke had this hideous shirt that he thought was just the best. No one else did. I thought i'd help him out. Time upon time he washed this shirt, and again and again he found that the smell wouldn't go away. Oh, if only he'd ever got up before 2pm he'd have witnessed me chucking turps in the washing machine every time it finished.
He never worked out why the smell wouldn't go away.

I also set the house alarm on my way out, almost daily whilst he was dressing gowned, still rat arsed and asleep on the couch.

And finally I cleaned the bog with his toothbrush. Have felt slightly guilty ever since, but only about the toothbrush bit.
(ell, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:35, Reply)

Muhahaha!!!
I worked for Staples when I was a student. When I left (difference of opinion... bastards) I rigged one of the display PCs to play Chumbawumba every single time it was switched on. I rigged it so that if you deleted the MP3, it would replace it next time it rebooted. If you removed the mp3 player, then that would also be replaced. It wasn't amazingly complicated, but not a single person there knew sod all about computers... despite trying to sell them to the public.

Every morning when the computers were started up "I GET KNOCKED DOWN!" would blare out.

It took them a week to find a solution to this problem... which was to disconnect the speakers. Problem solved...

Until a few months later when that model was sold on to some poor unsuspecting member of the public for roughly twice what it was worth... they got a call complaining that the computer wouldn't stop playing this bloody song!

AAaahhhh... Revenge is sweet.
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:32, Reply)

Lukewarm feeling
At the yearly "go runaround a soggy field" school camp, myself and my cronies decided to liven up proceedings by putting a few of the sleeping lads' hands in lukewarm water. As many of you will know, this can only result in one thing - bedwetting, and at the next mornings assembly, an announcement was made about the "special sleeping equipment" only usually reserved for the younger camp residents! Heelarity
(getfixedmissy, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:32, Reply)

Ahhh sabotage. I love thee.
I once lived with a girl whilst working for a company thats nameless. She worked in my department and sat opposite from me. She was the most annoying person I have ever met and would seduce stupid computer nerds to do her bidding on a daily basis. Acting like a dumb bitch to get her way was her favourite past time. Anyway, working and living with her 24 hours a day took its toll. I used to sneak around her bedroom and read her diary which had lots of moans about me in for taking too many coffee breaks at work and leaving her to man the helpdesk on her own. After that coffee consumption increased four fold. She was said she hated when I bought smi skimmed milk bceause she was obsessed with her weight - she had charts of her weight drawn out on daily basis from readings taken at day and night and after meals (no joke!). After reading that, semi skimmed milk became full fat creamy milk and she started buying her own soya milk!

I used to regaulary log on as root on to her Unix machine, change user to her and then set up cron tasks on the different servers at HP. All set for when I had left work and she still had a month to go.

I used to wash the loo with her tooth brush and regularly take a nice long wee in her shower gel.

Some mornings she would get up to find that somehow a pin had found its way into her bicycle tyres and as I left in my car I would wave at her as I saw her running to work!

Oh the joy! She annoyed me so much!

No apologise for breadth, depth and total area squared.
(maddave, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:30, Reply)

We re-string all sports racquets
So said the sign in the window of a sports shop in Leeds.

I'd gone into the shop which was very quiet with just a young bored looking lad behind the till and was looking at trainers, not with the intention of buying any, just having a look.
Anyway, this spotty little YTS oink comes out from behind the till and says to me "are you goin' to buy them shoes or what?"

Being somewhat offended by his oafish attitude, I decide to play a little prank. I mention the sign in the window about re-stringing and he asks me what I need doing so I say "My table tennis bat".

He looks a little baffled (understandably) so I tell him (with a perfectly straight face) that the sub-stringing under the rubber which is used to give the ball better grip and spin has perished and ask if they can replace it.

YTS Boy says he doesn't know and that he'll go and ask the Manager. Off he dissapears out the back of the shop, short pause followed by huge laughter from (presumably) the Manager and YTS Boy comes out looking very embarrassed which is my cue to leg it from the shop.

(More petty revenge rather than sabotage, but WTF)
( JugglerJAF It's curtains for you.Lacy gently wafting curtains, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:30, Reply)

A mate of mine was in a lecture when he suddenly heard a loud *smack*...
Looking behind him he saw that one guy had just lamped another who was trying to pick himself up.

Turns out that the guy had just found out that his house mate had been lacing all the cooking powders (gravy granules, instant spud, custard powder etc) with laxative... as a joke... for the past month!

The whole house had spent several weeks thinking that there was a nasty tummy bug going round when in fact it was just a case of exlax induced squits.

What a bastard! I'm surprised he stopped at just a punch!
( Beastie is doing science with his arse, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:25, Reply)

Basic technology had passed him by....
...but the (mature in years) sales director still carried all of the mobile kit necessary to prove you are a prat. Only when we changed his ring tone to 'Dancing Queen' and his welcome message to 'Hello Grandad' he was stuck with it for weeks.
(tell me about the rabbits, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:23, Reply)

We used to have an Italian Boss...
And everyone loved him.
The canteen at work gives each employee an item of fruit daily... keeps us fit and ahappy you see.
Now... our Italian boss would toddle around saying "Cíao" and being swish and cool, and happily helping himself to a random apple or bannana from someone's desk. We didn't care... we loved him.
Bring on his replacement.... Not Italian. One day he found out that the Italian guy used to steal fruit and suddenly he started doing it too.

We regularly transport our fruit from canteen to office in our underwear, and watch with glee as he chomps into apples that have been intimately carressed by our man-cannons.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 4 May 2005, 12:04, Reply)

When I were a wee laddie
I used to go to Tottenham Court Road, which was just around the corner, and put a silly little program on all the BBC micro's in the shops that said "dan is cool" over and over in multicolour. It disabled break and escape, and I thought I was sooooooo cool, but I hadn't noticed my anorak.
(teasus likes tea, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:02, Reply)

Ahh the wonder of being a geek at school
After many years of having no friends, and learning to love the shitty little excuses for computers in the labs at school.. I'd amassed quite the knowledge of how to mess up the computer lessons of all the techy-illiterate bastards who surrounded me.
Since I was in a class that I believe was formulated to give me maximum grief (7/8/9/10/11LWP... I HATE YOU) I had lots of targets.
Anyway, a fine creation of mine was to recreate the command prompt with a bat file whilst I was logged in. I'd direct someone who i despised onto the computer saying it was free. They'd type in their login, and their password.. this would then not log them in, but print out the login and password on the printer.
As they didn't log in right, and I was a geek, they'd ask me why it didn't work.. I'd tell them some crap, they'd go work with a mate, I'd go get the sheet of paper, then proceed to spend a lunchtime or two filling their user areas with stuff they shouldn't have, and propagating it across the network for everyone else's enjoyment :)
When it comes to hunting it down, the network administrators would find it nestled away in x's user area and they'd get a bollocking! YAY!

Chris Grahamslaw, you have a stupid name, and you stole my watch... but at least I got you banned from the labs for putting Mario on the system... or did you?

Heh heh heh


I enjoyed the geektastic nostalgia too much to even think about apologising for length.
( MCQ Cartoons n' shit: bagowank.com, Wed 4 May 2005, 12:00, Reply)

Bathroom ordinance

If you put a bar of soap into a microwave it will rapidly expand into a large microwave-interior-filling block of solid foam. All meals prepared in the microwave for months afterwards will, I'm reliably informed by the one person who I have pulled this trick on who still speaks to me, taste of soap. Great icebreaker for parties (at other people's houses).

I HAVE NOT attempted this but APPARENTLY if you put a can of shaving foam (the old fashioned white kind rather than poncey new-fangled 'gel' or similar) in the freezer for a VERY LONG TIME, the contents will solidify and it will then be possible to saw off the nozzle bit WITHOUT the pressurised container exploding and knacking you up right proper. You then simply place your open-to-the-elements can of frozen foam in the wardrobe/room/car etc of your choice and hey presto! As soon as the fucker melts it instantly expands into a Ford-Fiesta-sized mound of shaving foam. HOWEVER - accurately judging whether your foam grenade is indeed frozen solid or still under sufficient pressure to knack-you-up-right-proper-when-sawed-into is, I would say, somewhat difficult. I therefore take no responsibility for any of you chimps trying it and blowing your hands off - I am not at home to amputee wannabe-saboteur lynch mobs.
(scunnydelight, Wed 4 May 2005, 11:59, Reply)

Not me, but a school friend of my dad's....
Back in the 50's during my dad's school days there was no such thing as borstal and ASBO's and japery was a part of life, especially at school.

Now one particular school friend of my dad was well known for his practical jokes, but perhaps best known to this day for one quite spectacular jape.

The school dad attended (and also my alma mata) is a Church of England school and regularly has hymns at assembly in the mornings. Every day the rather haughty music teacher would embark on a frantic version of Kumbaya as the finale of the assembly.

Now this prankster was well connected so to speak, his dad worked the quarries and as such dealt in things like blasting caps and dynamite. The stuff of young boys dreams? You betcha!

And now the genious bit. Prankster decides it's time to dip into his considerable stash of small blasting caps to effect his latest plan. What can he blow up? The toilets? The tuck shop? Nah...

He only goes and wires a small blasting cap to the middle C on the piano in the hall...

Obviously word gets out and thus approaches the most anticipated assembly in the history of the school.

The assembly proceeds as normal, then the music teacher sits down for the usual Hymn.

Kumbaya m'lord, Kumbay*BANG*

One destroyed piano, a music teacher with brown pants and 250 hysterical kids.

Best thing is, I don't think anyone ever found out who did it, but it cemented his reputation as the North Wests best ever school prankster.
( TooMuch2AM, Wed 4 May 2005, 11:59, Reply)

A virus!
Many years ago, when ICL computers were, for some unknown reason, bought by every school in the land, the computer department got a rude awakening one lunchtime from the none-too-bright library assistant screeching "It's got a virus! Don't touch it!".

After much head scratching by the useless people at the computer department and running of various antivirus programs, the quarantined the PC and took it to their office for full examination.

Minutes later, another PC went down with the same problem. Then another. After frantically checking all the computers in the IT room they discovered that they had all been infected, and the computer bods couldn't fix it however hard they tried. Even low level hard drive formatting wasn't working.

The school were on the verge of calling in consultants of stupid amounts of money when I had to own up to what I had done.

I'd pulled the keys off the keyboard and moved them round.

And *nobody* had noticed.
( doctordoctor I feel like a pair of curtains, Wed 4 May 2005, 11:51, Reply)

Evil, I know
but I once sabotaged the van of an Ice Cream man that I really hated, so the tune never stopped playing. He didn't sell a single ice cream, got into terrible debt, and shot himself.
(JamScones, Wed 4 May 2005, 11:49, Reply)

I am a christian now.
So I never take revenge. I just ask Jesus to forgive people.
(teasus likes tea, Wed 4 May 2005, 11:47, Reply)

Not me, but someone I knew
put laxatives into their office water cooler, having first gone to the toilets and locked all of the cubicles from the outside.
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Wed 4 May 2005, 11:47, Reply)

changed the n and the m on the keyboards back in Sixth Form
Down with the system and all that...

Also, Messing around with Autocomplete on the "good" sixth from PC.

Replaced "and" with "boobs"
( dantl, Wed 4 May 2005, 11:46, Reply)