Chris Rea lives in my area, I should have him over
'Alright Chris!'

'Hello Alan I didn't know you'd moved in'

'Yeah, just moved in, last week. I'm having a barbecue, fancy coming over?'

'I'd love to! Do you mind if I bring my guitar?'

'I'd rather you didn't, it's not that kind of area. Do you like Mini Kievs?'

'I love them! But my wife's vegetarian'

'Doesn't matter. She can have fish'

'No she won't eat that either'

'Oh forget it!. You people'

Seems to sum it up perfectly.
(PieEater, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:31, Reply)

Remind Me
.
Not to invite James Tiger Woods to dinner.

Picky bastard!

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:30, Reply)

Marmite !!!!
I'll eat most things, but GF does insist on pissing me off most sundays by having
"That Brown shite " on toast.
I've never tasted it, but it smells like the scrapings of the age-hardened tagnuts from Devils own "Cinnamon Ring" itself.
No ,I don't like it !!
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:28, Reply)

kaptinkurtz...
"Wobby" was my baby brother's word for penis when he was really young.

Don't think I'll be eating ketchup for quite a while now.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:28, Reply)

Rock
Rock from the seaside - what the hell is that all about - it's pure sugar. Bad sugar at that.

Yuck.

(I hope I'm not being got at there with the creme eggs :-P Let's be honest, it's not creme/cream and it's not an egg. Trading Standards anyone?)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:28, Reply)

Mince
I used to work with a guy. Lenny. I’m not saying he was tight but . . . duck’s posterior doesn’t do him justice. Single, never married, as rich as Croesus. Pathologically tight.

His speciality was the reduced price shelves at the local Co-op. Use-by or sell-by dates meant nothing to our Lenny. The cheaper the better. One day he fell lucky. An enormous box of mince. Probably not much better than pet mince when fresh. Buys the knocked-down mince. Envisions week’s worth of lasagne, chill, spaghetti bolognese.

Gets home. Puts all of the mince in a pan, on a low light. Nips out for a pint.

Upon his return, front door is open. Burglars! Trashed the joint. Pinched all sorts. But left him a present. A gently steaming present. In the pan of mince.

Regaled us with his tale the day after at work.

Sympathising at his loss. The invasion of his privacy. The violation of his mince.

“So Lenny” I said, “what did you do?”
“Well” he sighs, “I had to throw nearly a quarter of it away . . . . ”


Length? Hard to tell when it's curled like a Mister Whippy ice-cream.
(SalRossi Laughter the best medicine? Nurse, penicillin....., Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:27, Reply)

Water.
.
Who was it who said he didn't drink water as:

"Fish fuck in it"

???

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:27, Reply)

sausages
I know this isn't exactly on topic but I've been suppressing my feelings for long enough on this matter and this QOTW is close enough for me to let rip.
Now must of us love a good honest pork sausage. As part of a fried breakfast or nuzzled between two pieces of bread with a bit of sauce or served with mash and gravy, it's a good food. Now at what point did some sh!t think it would be a good idea to start putting crappy herbs in them. I hate it, really really hate it. It constantly drives me mad. One minute your sat in a boozer, sipping a pint at lunch time when your sausage and mash arrives over. Of course, it's covered in gravy so you can't see the little green cancerous lumps below the skin. Oh no, not until you bite into it do you realise you've been had. This really gets up my nose. I mean, if you want a herby sausage you can simply get a cumberland. They're shaped different so there shouldn't be any error (actually, the fact that they are shaped like a curled dog turd is rather appropriate). I've nothing against the cumberland because it doesn't pretend to be a normal sausage. no no, it's the so called 'normal' sausages that have herbs hidden in them that really p!ss me off.

Last summer, having spent the day at London Zoo with my daughter and girlfriend, we were walking back through Regents park when I happened upon an establishment called 'The Honest Sausage'. I excitedly told gf that this is great, someone else obviously feels the same as me about herby sausages and has gone a stage further and opened a shop purveyor good honest sausages. I told gf to keep walking ahead while I popped in and got a takeaway sausage in a roll. I went in and all seemed fine. I purchased my food, left the establishment and ran to catch up with my family. Once we were all together I showed my gf the lovely sausage in a roll, hell I even waxed lyrical about the texture of gravy and onion on it. Then I bit into it and all hell broke lose. The bugger was full of herbs. I was outraged. I started a kind of insane grumble that grew to a shout, it went 'the honest sausage? the honest sausage? THE HONEST SAUSAGE??? I then proceeded to hold the herby horror in front of me shaking it (imagine John Cleese losing his temper in fawlty Towers). I finally lost it, dropped kicked the herby bunch a horror and then stamped on it (anyone reading this who happened to be in Regents Park and saw it take place...I apologise).
Anyway, now I only eat sausage that I buy myself in a clear wrapper and normally I cut one in half raw to check for herbs before cooking.

Ok, I'll leave it now. sorry but I had to get it off me chest
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:26, Reply)

Weighing food
When I was young, there was some sort of survey done at school, and I was identified, along with a few others as being a fussy eater. From that point onward, every item of food that I did eat had to be weighed, so having been given a plate of school dinners I had to weigh it, and when I had finished picking at it, I had to weigh the plate of barely eaten food. This happened for every meal, and it went on for months. I dont even know the results.
But now, things are better appart from the fact taht I now suffer from "empty plate syndrome". no matter how much food is on my plate i have to scoff the lot. If I feel totally full up and bloated and there is food still left on the plate, it doesnt matter it has to be practically licked clean.
At work we only have a microwave oven in the kitchenette area in the office, so everyday I bring in a microwave dinner, 99% of the time it is a curry from sainsburys, and it is washed down with about 2-3L of cocacola during the course of day. This week I was at the doctors. The doctor said I now have to stop drinking coke and eating microwave dinners or I will die one day. Well fuck me! People are just not satisfied.
( turb0t, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:25, Reply)

Southern Comfort
Not sure if this is a departure....

But I can't drink it, in fact if I smell it, then I will dry heave.

Something to do with being 16 or 17 and drinking a full bottle to myself I think.....

And whisky - any whisky - Can't stand it. Not sure how I manage to go out drinking as I work in Aberdeen....

Size? 5 times in quick succesion - it's big. It's big baby ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:25, Reply)

Creme Eggs
.
I won't eat "creme eggs". Not because I don't like them but because I fucking *hate* companies that murder the English language. It's fucking CREAM you illiterate cretins.

And, by the same token, I won't have anything to do with "Ye Olde Sweet Shoppe" or any of the other twee fucking names they come up with. It's "old" and "shop" you bastards.

Twats!
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Tomatoes & Fish
I will never eat tomatoes. As a kid I had an irrational fear that the seeds will grow inside me and I'll become some sort of half man half tomato hybrid. Same with kiwi fruit.

Also I don't like eating a whole fish with it's beady little eyes looking at me while I have to cut it's skin off.
(CopyConstructor, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:24, Reply)

Orange Squash
Yuck yuck yuck.

I hate it - the smell is just unnatural.

I was at a friend's mum's* a little while ago who didn't know of my dislike of the stuff - When offered juice, I said yes - and was presented with squash. I drank it to be polite - God knows how I kept it down.

/Dryheave

* I can never get that punctuation right...
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:22, Reply)

On toast
I don't eat things on toast. With toast, yes, as in scrambled egg on the plate with toast beside it. But if you put the eggs (or anything else) on the toast, I can't eat it. It's a texture thing.
(Flutterby doesn't give a damn about her reputation, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:22, Reply)

White Chocolate (Almost contrary to a b3ta mail I just sent....)
I don't actually get it. It's not chocolate.

Surely there's a trading standards case there somewhere?

It's usually just shit and sweet and bluegh.

Unless it's from Belgium with coffee.... MMmmmm
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:20, Reply)

Creme Eggs
Ok, I'm clearly now going to spend the next week boring the shit off anyone who bothers to read my posts (Thanks PJM and Ms Swipe!) about food that I dont like - having already said I'll eat most things...

I can't stand creme eggs - it's cheap milk chocolate that contains the foulest vilest sugary crap in the history of crap. It's the devil's sperm I tell you.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:18, Reply)

Sandwich , no thanks!
Ever since I was small, I've never been a great lover of any fish derivitive type pastes on sandwiches, but since watching "The sex lives of the potato men" I've gone completely off jam and fish paste sandwiches that taste like "Linda's Twat "
(Betty Boothroyd's Love custard Tourettes at the KOB, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:17, Reply)

What's up doc?
I know a guy who doesn't eat carrots because "they are an unnatural colour".
( Prof. Piehead, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Milk Chocolate
I will eat pretty much everything (fnar fnar) as per my earlier post, but milk chocolate - I'll pass thankyou...

I just can't abide it it's sweet, and sickly and bleugh. Why Why Why??

Dark Chocolate - Green & Blacks - that's what you want :-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:16, Reply)

Onions
my sister has an onion allergy and gets a slow anaphalaxis (spelling?) type reaction. Her throat swells and closes as well as her swelling up and feeling awful. It is not fast, and often has gone to the GP to explain and they rushed her in only to find it could have been sorted at the GP with an injection.

I still think she is picky - its a SLOW reaction, its just like eating pufferfish with the poison just less deadly.

Me, i'll eat anything except parmesan and marmite. and black pepper.
Sunday breakfast used to be toast, with beans, cheese and a clove of garlic crushed on each slice topped with brown sauce. Mmmm for me.

no-one ever stole my breakfast.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:08, Reply)

Rotational eating
I don't think it's strange, but my wife and most of my family do.

I start by eating all the meat first. I won't touch anything else until the meat is gone.

Then I eat the potatoes. I won't touch anything else until the potatoes are gone.

Then I finish with the veggies.

I can't stand to have one food touching another (no beans in the potatoes, nuh-uh!)

I won't eat food that's been touched after it's been cooked. I'm not worried about germs, for some reason I think it affects the flavor (soapy perfume hands on my meat? Never!)
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:06, Reply)

strawberries +
Alergic to strawberries. When I was a kid,on the inevitable weekend trips to mc donalds, I would scream blue murder until I either threw up out of temper or was given a strawberry Milkshake, and threw up anyway. I mostly always got the milkshake as the oucome was the same, but latter otion less stressful.I just take Zirtek now.
Also,Tomato soup makes me want to Vom. Folks were always forcing the stuff on me as a kid. Despite fact that it also made me puke.
(crapmonkey, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:02, Reply)

Cheese flavoured food
And ex-boyfriend of mine would not drink tea, coffee or alcohol - only R White's Lemonade. He took the same packed lunch in to work every day: cheese (processed slices) and pickle roll, Wagon Wheel, Walkers crisps (salt'n'vinegar), carton of Ribena.

He still lived with his parents, and every night his mum would cook him either:
a. Chicken wings and Smash
b. Cheesy hammy eggy (a mess on toast)
c. Asda cheese and tomato pizza.

His dad would cook Sunday dinner, and whilst the rest of us would have stringy beef stew, he'd have the same stringy beef in gravy as one chunk as he 'didn't like stew'. Any sort of foreign food made him 'sick' or gave him 'a headache', although I later found that he'd never even tried it. We moved in together eventually (why? WHY?) and in four years together I managed to widen his tastes only far enough to accommodate pasta, fishcakes and Fray Bentos pies.

The final straw was when he left my mature cheddar unwrapped in the fridge and turned it into a boulder. He had never handled 'real' cheese and didn't know you had to keep it covered.

Fucking freak.
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:02, Reply)

Also...
I don't like chocolate. There, I said it.
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 14:02, Reply)

Bits
Ah ha, another QOTW suited to my dear brother. He won't eat anything that is red or green.

When we were kids, we were staying in a hotel in Bournemouth where he was downing a glass of orange juice with his breakfast (which involved foods neither red nor green). He asked "NJ, what are the little bits in my orange juice?", to which I replied "Orange, funnily". He didn't touch another drop and nearly puked.

He is also the only person I know that can leave his Easter chocolates alone for so long that he still has them come the following Easter.

Mine are ALL eaten on the morning they are received, which has in the past led to some very lovely choc-spew stained party dresses on long car journeys to my aunties.
(NJ, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 13:58, Reply)

I am a commited Metal head
in the vein of if the music has ever been described as 'Bleak,Dark,Doomed,Finnish,Frostbitten,Krieg or Fucking metal!" i will have probably at some point listened to it.

Now as you can well imagine, the type of people this scene attracts are those of a crazy, germanic or Viking persuasion which is all well and good for making friends...cept since i hit puberty i have become allergic to all forms of meat (it makes me void my stomach...everytime)

So most festival i often have to starve (going to Wacken this year and i am afraid i won't be able to eat!) and i once very nearly reduced a big brawny viking fellow to tears with my tale of woe "You can't eat meat, ohh god i'd kill myself if i couldn't eat animals!"
(Pimms'N'Lemonade thinks you are a twat, prove me wrong., Thu 1 Mar 2007, 13:57, Reply)

Sea Food?
.
Ex-wife was on a seafood diet.

She'd see food, then eat it......

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 13:56, Reply)

Sandwich? No thanks
My neighbour Matty refuses to eat anything that I prepare for him.

This might be something to do with the sandwich I handed him on a fishing trip which comprised two slices of bread and a handful of the finest maggots.

I would, at this point, mention the usual "bowking of rich, brown vomit", but was sorely disappointed by several minutes of dry heaving.

Honestly, some people have no sense of humour.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 13:56, Reply)