to be serious for a moment
Like some other posters, I feel the need to address the issue seriously. I often ask myself: "What IS racism?" I think the answer is quite simple: "It's me not getting that job because a darkie applied for it and the company needed to boost their diveristy statistics." I don't say that with any bitterness; I have no problem with DeJames Shazam getting the job so he can bring all his relatives over from Kenya and get them claiming benefits - that's his choice. I don't mind if he has no driving licence and is allowed to submit reports in poor English because nobody dare bring it up for fear of being called a racist. Nor am I bothered about him being clinically obese and needing a special lift to be installed just for him at such a prohibitive cost that four people had to laid off- we all know that black people are generally very good sportsmen to make up for genetically lower intelligence. So he's not at all typical in that sense.

I also think that religious tolerance is important. If someone wants to believe in some made-up god like Mohammed or Buddha, that's up to them. Even if that means men wearing dresses and beating women with sticks because they wear make-up or reveal their toenails. That's just cultural difference. Let them stone donkeys to death and execute their close relatives for some minor slight if that's what they believe - I won't stand in the way of that, nor forced marriage and incest. Everyone's different. But I won't have my children foced into voodoo rituals at school just because 70% of the kids there are from Haiti. One man's chicken sacrifice is another man's chicken dinner.

Which brings me to vegetarianism. Live and let live, I say. If they want to become anaemic and holier-than-thou sheep huggers with their tofu burgers and Quorn sausages, let them - no matter how absurd that may be. God gave us teeth for meat - but if they want to eat plants like some lower animal, who am I to stop them? Evolution will see who's right when they all drop dead.

The handicapped? I've got no problem with them. If they want to have no limbs, dribble a bit and possess the intelligence of a ping pong ball, I'm not going to object. That's their choice. Let them have their ramps and wheelchairs - that's only fair. But when I find that my family holiday is jeopardised by a quadriplegic pilot in my 747, it's time to stand up and speak. I'm all for diversity, but there are limits. I spent four hours trying to talk to a callcentre employee in a persistent vegetative state the other day and I must say the wheeze of her ventialtor became quite irritating after a while. Let her have a job - but let it be something more suitable... like acting as a weight to stop a tarpaulin blowing away in the wind. There are jobs enough for everyone.

Except Eastern Europeans, of course. They come over here with their carp and their pregnant women and claim benefits for every bloody thing. I've got nothing against people claiming benefits. That's their right. But when I see my neighbour Pawel coming home with a luxury yacht towed behind his Lamborghini, I have to ask how my taxes are being spent. He says he needs these things to persuade his schizophrenic mother that she is living in Monaco. I sympathise, I really do, but wouldn't it be better if they go back where they came from and live in crushing poverty? That's character building...
(frankspencer, Mon 26 Nov 2007, 17:45, 14 replies)

Buddha isn't a god
that's all...:)
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 26 Nov 2007, 18:20, closed)

and neither was Mohammed
..that's all all :)
(Bergamot B , has not been to the office since, Mon 26 Nov 2007, 19:44, closed)

Good points...
Apart from the veggie bit.

I assume you've had the misfortune of dealing with some who yell at you for eating poor animals. Ignore them, we're not all cunts.

Eat what you like, call it what you like (my boyfriend prefers to call meat his "dead things") and I'll do the same, no matter if you think I'm a lower animal or not.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Mon 26 Nov 2007, 20:10, closed)

@ vix0r
I really hope you realise frank's being ironic, as you seem to have sorely missed the point
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Mon 26 Nov 2007, 20:27, closed)

Well said that man
And echoes the sentiments of this morning's finest newspaper about those damn Polish babies.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 26 Nov 2007, 21:56, closed)

I <3
the people who don't get this.

Bless their stupid little cotton socks.
(seanfish, Mon 26 Nov 2007, 22:00, closed)

Well written
Again frankspencer, i take my hat off to you, you leave me unsure whether I'm reading a misguided rant or an absolutely brilliant piece of satire, thank you for keeping the mystery in my life.

BKB
(big king bob Lord of the Ska, Mon 26 Nov 2007, 23:08, closed)

Eh, I read through this thinking "Christ, you're a cunt"
then I got to the name at the bottom, and I wondered why I ever took you off ignore in the first place.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 27 Nov 2007, 4:42, closed)

big king bob
For the record, it's a brilliant piece of satire. Perhaps I should have put that as the title.
(frankspencer, Tue 27 Nov 2007, 9:05, closed)

more than one form of satire
isn't it? because tier one thinks you're being serious and hates you.

tier two realises you are being ironic in some way and mocks tier one for falling for it.

tier three realises that actually you are really taking the piss out of the people who think like this.

then again, 50% of what people say when they are joking is true. i am going to choose to believe it's the bit about donkey incest...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 27 Nov 2007, 9:34, closed)

reduced to tiers
I call it piss-taking.
(frankspencer, Tue 27 Nov 2007, 12:05, closed)

Bravo
One of the most delightfully satirical pieces of writing I have ever seen.

Pity the fools that failed to appreciate it.
(quantum raspberry quizzically quashing Quebecans, Tue 27 Nov 2007, 13:31, closed)

oh... erm....
I didn't realise it was satire until I read everybody elses comments. i was just working my way through phonetically, agreeing with each and every point.

Does that mean I'm a terribly bigoted, ignorant, racist cunt?
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Tue 27 Nov 2007, 18:04, closed)

Rather peculiar that "I've got nothing against..."
...is the flip side of 'What frightens me is ...'
(Countryslicker, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 14:43, closed)