Inspired by Rakky's earlier post...
Inspired by this post, I ended up digging through my digital archives for a list of 'literal jokes' that was circulating several years ago. Here they are. Enjoy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you call a camel with three humps ?
A mutant.

What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ?
A mass of confused DNA.

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains.
That's unusual.

My dog's got no nose.
I know, I mutilated it.

What's the differenc between an Elephant and a Postbox?
An elephant is a large grey pachyderm and postboxes, whilst varying in colour from country to country, are recepticles for mail you wish to be sent somewhere by traditional surface or airborne methods.

There were two peanuts walking down the road, and one of them was ... ASSAULTED peanut! Ho, ho, ho.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Donna
Donna who?
Donna the girl from next door
Oh! THAT Donna! Come on in!

There were two nuns sitting on a bench in a park when a guy in a dirty brown mac came up to them and flashed them. One of the nuns had a stroke, the other had a minor coronary but both pulled through ok.

What has three legs, four eyes, is green and purple and eats sheep?
We don't know exactly what yet but our people at the research laboratory are trying to clssify it right now, the provisional latin name is "eldarus creepycrawlius" and if we're really lucky we may well have a whoole new species on our hands!!

Two men standing in front of a shop window. One man point to a shirt and says 'Thats the one I'd get'. Just then, a cyclops comes around the corner and says 'Personally, i prefer the mohair sweater in navy blue'.

2 lesbians in the bath..
one says "where's the soap?"
and the other says" we've run out so I'm using shower gel"

knock knock
come in.

How many men does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but he may need a step ladder if the ceiling is very high

What has four legs and goes woof?
Most breeds of dog, except the daschund which gives out more of a yelp.

Waiter waiter there's a fly in my soup.
I'm very sorry Sir, I don't know how this can have happened. Please let me bring you a fresh bowl. Complentary of the restaurant of course.

Where do policemen live?
I'm afraid most of their addresses are ex-directory.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
It might take two in the case of a striplight and possibly two if the ladder is high (if reqired) and they are observing safety guidelines... The Lightbulb-Change Institute is currently researching this matter...

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.

Why did the chicken cross the road ?
It probably might have liked a change of scenery, but on the whole you can't tell with an animal.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Try asking him his name and then you'll know.

Two nuns in a darkened room:
One says "Where's the candle?"
The other replies "In the top drawer, next to the matches. But it's too dark in here to see that, so you'd better switch the light on first."

A piece of string was in a pub.
The barman said to the piece of string "Are you a piece of string? Cos if you are, I won't serve you.
The piece of string, of course, being an inanimate object, did not reply.

An irishman was sitting in a field one day and didn't fall off as gravity was holding him quite firmly in position.

Three men, an Irishman, and Englishman and a Scotsman, went to a football match. It was between Manchester United and Glasgow Rangers, so naturally there was a bit of rivalry. The Englishman said "Manchester United are the best team in Britain". The Scotsman said "Och man nae, Rangers are the most bonnie team in the land!". The Irishman then said "Well I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with my English friend as there are some very good Irish players in the Manchester team. I am a big fan of Roy Keane, you know."

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a elephant ?
It is very unlikly that they can crossbred together, being types of different animals.

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In barracks of course.

Where do you weigh a whale?
At a special facility where there is equipment for the weighing of large blubberous seabound mammals.

How do you get two whales in a Mini?
You can't very easily, unless they're very small whales indeed, in which case all that is required it to saw the top off the Mini, fill it with water and place the aqueous mammals therein.

Two dyslexic skiers got lost on the slopes, so they asked a man:
"Where's the ski lift?"
"I don't know, I'm a tobogganist"
"Oh. Thanks anyway"

Did you hear about the essex girl who made a mistake while using her
word processor?
She pressed the back arrow key and deleted the incorrectly spelt word and carried on with the work in very reasonable time.

There was an english man, a scotsman and a german flying in an aeroplane when they suddenly noticed they were running out of fuel. They all rushed to the back of the aeroplane and found there were only 2 parachutes. After arguing who should be left without a parachute the quick witted german jumped out of the plane with both parachutes. He landed safely only getting a slight twisted ankle and a bit of bruising on his knee.

My dog has no nose. He lost it in an unfortunate incident involving a badger, a man trap and a remington fuzz-away...

What were the Poles doing in Russia in the 1940s?
Holding up the telegraph wires.

What did the irishman call his pet zebra?
Frank

What`s worse than finding a worm in an apple?
Well, quite a lot of things, actually.

There was an englishman, Irishman and a scotsman on a train and they all safely reached their destinations and went about their business.

Why do women have legs?
Because natural selection and refinement of genes down through millions of years of evolution have determined that legs are an adaquate means of propelling the female of the Homo Sapiens Sapiens species from location to location.

How does an Irishman change a light bulb?
Push up gently, rotate about 10' anticlockwise, remove. Get new bulb, align with the notches, push up gently but firmly, rotate about 10' clockwise and let go.

Did you hear about the Irish paper shop?
It did very well under the Governmental Small Businesses scheme and eventually established a chain.

Did you hear about the incontinent camel?
It had a severe urinary complaint so the vet vas called out and after successfully completing a course of tablets, it vas better and able to behave in its usual manner.

What was the Irishman doing in the front of the car?
Driving.

Did you hear about the Irish tree surgeon?
He's very good actually, he removed the old oak tree from the bottom of my garden, I'd recommend him in fact.

Did you hear about the monk and the prostitute?
They did very little, and the prostitute eventually stormed off after a fierce moralistic argument

Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was part of the invasion force and was on its way to take out a large miltary base.

How do you know if there's an elephant in your bed?
The bed collapses, the floor sags, and the people on the floor below lodge an official complaint. Plus, the sheets are at least 5' above their normal position and draped over a large wrinkly grey object.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, as they are easily capable of such mundane tasks. However, the time taken does vary for the bayonet fitting variety, when they have to attach the necessary items to their rifles.

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
A mess.

What did the big tap say to the little tap?
Drip.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 1:39, 4 replies)

I'm a wanker
That Irishman would have to be pretty stupid to be rotating the lightbulb ten feet in either direction.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 2:06, closed)

10'
is meant to be 10°. This was back in the Usenet days before Unicode was in widespread use.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 2:09, closed)

Further pedantry:
I believe Homo Sapiens Sapiens is actually a sub-species.

Also for the light-bulb joke, 10^o is only sufficient if it's a bayonet fitting.

On the whole, though, excellent effort. I found this most droll. Have a well-deserved click. This sort of thing FTW.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 12 Mar 2009, 10:27, closed)

Thanks
Most of these beat some peoples attempts at puns this week...
(TheBDI is watching you..., Thu 12 Mar 2009, 11:38, closed)