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This is a question Sex Toys

Lanternchikk asks "How about a vibrant and stimulating discussion on sex toys?" What do you use to get off, and has it ever gone wrong? And yes, we've heard that urban myth, thank you.

(, Thu 17 May 2012, 12:33)
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Manchester
Twas in the late 1990’s,

I worked on Merseyside and my boss lived in Manchester but commuted daily.

A top bloke – who played hard and got away with doing as little as possible in work and generally went easy on us..

Back in his locality, he used to frequent a local working mans club for darts and poker and came into work one day saying there was to be a ‘Mens Night’ in his local club and did we all want to go. It would be an evening of blue comedians and strippers. With nothing better to do on a Wednesday night and having the drinking invincibility of youth behind me – I (we all) agreed and purchased tickets for said event.

When we arrived we were quickly aware that we had to keep a low profile as we were in a rough Manchester working-mans Club with Merseyside accents, and a bit of eaves dropping over our first pint confirmed our suspicions that these people did indeed hate anything to do with Liverpool.

The Show started, and as expected, the comedian ripped into everything ‘Liverpool’ and the crowd lapped it up… we stayed close to the back of the room and enjoyed the banter. Then the Strippers came on and did their show… nothing over the top – a professional effort, a bit of audience participation and they got a worthy round of applause. When they finished, (some of you might know where this is going), the MC announced that he would be coming round with a bucket and that if enough money was collected – the strippers would put on a ‘show’. I went up to the bar and whilst all was quiet, I ended up talking to one of the strippers. She too was from Merseyside and upon finding out we had something in common, told me she would ‘sort me out’ when the show started (said with a wink).

I retired back to my table at the back of the room with my mates and kept my head down – she was now in the middle of inserting as many dildo’s as humanly possible into every orifice, much to the delight of the crowd. Then it happened…

“ Ok – I need a volunteer’ she said

All the blokes above the age of 40 had their hands in the air like kids at a party trying to win sweets. She looked around the room. I avoided eye contact.

“Lad at the back with the blue top on – you’ll do” she said

All the pervs looked at me with distain – I’d stolen their moment. I made my way to the stage (clearing on the floor) where I was greeted by the stark naked stripper who its worth mentioning at this point was a good 5’ 11” – not fat, but ‘big boned’. She told me to lie down on the floor on the towel that was laid out. I obliged. It was then she reached for what looked like Fred West’s leather tool bag, she rummaged around pulling out all manner of sex aids until she found what she was after. It must have been a good 17 inches long, Black, with veins and the girth of a standard black pudding.

Without even asking, she told me to open my mouth, she then placed the base of the dildo in my mouth and told me to bite hard. Terror was now sinking in as she straddled over me, she then lowered herself onto the cock and proceeded to sit on my face. Then she started to ride it. Up and down. I was watching this ample clunge move away then rapidly descend towards my face at an increasing rate and with each downstroke, I felt like my teeth were going to be knocked out. Cheers echoed from the audience, I could barely see as my eyes were watering so much. If I was to die, it would have made an interesting headline.

Finally – she dismounted, and pulled the dildo out of my mouth. I was dazed, confused yet a hero amongst the audience. I returned to my seat looking like I’d spent 3 weeks in solitary without food. My jaw ached and my bite had altered slightly. I failed to see how her doing this to me constituted any kind of favour but, ever the gentleman, I said thank you anyway.

She made no apologies about the length…
(, Thu 17 May 2012, 14:52, closed)
This gets a click.
You filthy boy.
(, Thu 17 May 2012, 15:08, closed)
Well. What to say?
Lordy.
(, Thu 17 May 2012, 15:09, closed)
Well...
I am unsure If I feel envy or sympathy for you....

But a click nonetheless.
(, Thu 17 May 2012, 15:51, closed)
Speechless
Not sure who's using who there eh?
(, Thu 17 May 2012, 17:07, closed)
Christ almighty.
Click.
(, Thu 17 May 2012, 17:10, closed)
Good
God, man. You could have been gumming saps for the rest of your life. Mind you, at least she didn't squirt.

Have a click.
(, Thu 17 May 2012, 17:54, closed)
Bloody hell.....
Never has the phrase "you'll have someone's teeth out with that" been more apt.
(, Fri 18 May 2012, 11:02, closed)

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