why can't I get - just one fuck? I guess it's got something to do with my horrible personality, but I waited my whole life for just one...
I didn't really think about it before it happened, but I would have guessed that my friend in high school wouldn't have sex with the girl I 'liked'.

I would also have speculated that in such a case my 'friends', if they were to come over to tell me, would have done so to offer sympathy rather than to gloat.

Actually I can't claim any moral high ground here. She was never going to 'like' me back anyway, and she was going to have sex with someone. And frankly at that time I would have had sex with the girl they liked, and probably gloated about it. You might have guessed that we weren't the popular kids.

However, just recently I've been wondering about my parents. If I had a kid, and they were as emo as I was then, I think I would notice and say something. And if that was how my kid was relating to their friends, I'd want, and by want I mean force, the kid to a) get some help in learning how to relate to people and b) probably change schools - because of the gloating rather than because of the fucking.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 16:54, Reply)

Facial
The missus said she wanted a facial for her birthday.

How was I to know she meant at a beauty salon?
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 16:35, 9 replies)

Specsavers
Given my extreme enthusiasm for all things onanistic, my Father, an optician, had deigned it necessary to design me the perfect pair of spectacles in order to combat my increasingly failing eyesight.

Unfortunately, I went completely blind before he could even get to the drawing board, and so my specs missed inception.

/ coat + pub
( rofl harris, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 16:33, 1 reply)

"I had my first wet dream!"
When he was 12 years old, this is what my ex-husband exclaimed my ex-husband one morning. He'd recently had 'The Talk' from his parents and was rather excited to grow up and become a man.

Too bad he had just peed the bed in his sleep.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 16:19, 6 replies)

"What? That's gross! Why would anyone even do that?"


"What kind of sicko would want to look at a shaved pussy?"
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:48, 20 replies)

More stuff they didn't tell me.
In school they never told us how the sperm got into the woman to fertilize the egg. The words "semen," "ejaculation," and [shudder] "orgasm" were never mentioned. "Wet dream" was the closest they got, and even then we were not told what was really going on.

Some of the other boys asked how they would know if they were peeing or losing sperm. The teacher just smiled, with a twinkle in her eye, and said "Oh, you'll know."

At about 12 years old I started waking up with wet pj's some mornings, and although I knew it was a wet dream, I didn't put it all together.

One night, not long afterward, I was playing basketball. To pump it up, I sat on the ball and used a tube-shaped hand pump. Some friends down the street saw me in my driveway pumping up the ball, and because I was lit from behind, all they could see was my silhouette, pumping away between my legs. They teased me about it, and because I'd not yet discovered the joys of wanking I bore their teasing with surprising dignity.

Probably not long afterward, I was sleepless with thoughts of a certain girl in the grade ahead of me. I found that it felt good to imagine that my hand was hers. I noticed it felt strange but exciting to "pump up the basketball" and was strangely curious about what would happen if I kept going.

A whole lot of my educational deficiencies were made up for in about three seconds. 25 years later, I'm still "furthering my education."
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:45, Reply)

Lying bastards....
I was told by an older family member that a girl would fall in love with any boy who's semen she had ingested.

I spent years wanking into cups of tea, cans of coke and any foodstuffs that had potential to be eaten by the then object of my desires.

Nearly shat myself when a girls dad ate a chocolate eclair that I had spunked into.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:42, 5 replies)

They left out the details (thankfully).
In school, they didn't tell us boys anything about what the womenfolk go through once a month. We went to the library where we were told about wet dreams (that's another post) while the girls watched a movie.

So I figured that a "period" was called that because it was short, one dot, and that was the end of it.

Just *squirt* and you're done.

Every woman I've told that to has wished beyond hope that this was the case.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:31, Reply)

John Paul 2
Being of good Irish Catholic stock my auntie Aggie had pictures of the Pope in each of the kids bedrooms to remind them not to sin. She once walked in and caught my cousin 'unleashing the love custard' but was most offended that he had turned the papal photo around the other way so as not to be watched, and of course he got a beating for it (No pun intended) to go with the humiliation.

Said cousin is now a full on drag queen and his sister was knocked-up by a priest.

So if you are in the market for sexual misconceptions I suggest you give the Vatican a call - they don't own the market but they are certainly the leading brand.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:29, Reply)

I don't care what you all say...

babies are 'brought by the stork'...

and THAT'S.FUCKING.THAT.

now let's stop all this filthy talk and think about kittehs shall we?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:25, 6 replies)

They never told us the good stuff!
In sex ed class, they of course told us that men make sperm, and women make eggs, but they never told us how the sperm got into the uterus to do their thing.

So I put two and two together. Sperm must live on the head of the jolly todger, and when this is rubbed against the vagina, that's how the woman got pregnant.

Then in history class they said that Hitler packed all the Jews naked into boxcars, I actually wondered how many got pregnant from the casual rubbing.

I also couldn't see how people went on and on about how great sex was. What's so great about touching your willy to ladybits?

I was never more happy to be wrong.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:23, Reply)

Well I Never!
When I was younger I thought that conception occurred in the womb. Silly me! It occurs in the Fallopian Tube!

I don't know how I ever got by.
(FurtiveBiscuit, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:19, Reply)

it sounds perfectly feasible to me.
I know a guy who has a teenage son. He was telling me about how his son was in the school soccer team, and getting a bit too competitive about it for this guy's liking.

I said that, in my opinion, a lot of the stupid things that teenage boys do, for example driving like idiots, are efforts to impress girls (or boys, in the case of drama students).

So he might not be completely conscious of it, but on some level this kid is probably imagining that success in soccer = success with the young ladies.

Thus if someone could tell him (and young folks in general) without putting him on the defensive or being patronising, that this wasn't true - or at least that stringing a sentence together and dressing nice are vastly better strategies - then the soccer would be about soccer and so his competitiveness would reduce to an appropriate level.

He reacted along the lines of "ho ho, you and your amusingly cynical observations about modern life", but I meant it seriously. I wish someone had done that for me when I was young.

So, is it a bullshit theory?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:10, 15 replies)

Dual pipe
I have a vague memory of me, at ten years old, telling all my mates that in the male anatomy there was one tube for piss and another for jizz. I thought this was the natural order of things, until I mentioned it rather boldly in my biology class once, much to Mr. Smith's amusement.

I did however regain some cred when in another sex ed lesson I correctly identified the clitoris in a massive diagram of a tuna canoe on the OHP. That got me some respect I can tell you.
(mobileabuser I liked... clive, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 15:02, 3 replies)

Sex education, b3ta style.
I wouldn't even begin to pretend that I know everything about sex and sexuality. The basics are clear to me and I've even had a bit of practise over the years, but many of the more deviant acts remain completely alien to me. However, B3ta has provided answers to questions I hadn't asked. Questions I hadn't even considered asking, if I'm completely honest.

For example: before I'd ever heard the word 'goatse' (not sure if that's how you spell it, but I'm damned sure not going to google it), I was greeted by a front page image that combined the olympic logo with this anal abomination. Furthermore; two girls one cup is a video that hasn't ever been witnessed by these eyes of mine. I'd heard tell of it, but never felt any compulsion to search the internet to see what it was all about. Seems that b3ta has saved me the trouble; especially this past week as the front page has been enriched by an animation making it abundantly clear just what the two girls are consuming from their shared cup.

This place is a brilliant source of entertainment and my favourite waste of work time, but it does seem to have provided some undesired and not exactly useful additions to my sex education.

And for this, b3ta, I say, um, thank you?
( Moey, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 14:41, 6 replies)

"Oh you must have come, you're so wet."
Damn boy threw me off the scent of discovering orgasms for at least 2 years.

On the wetness theme, my mother often used to swan into my teenage bedroom, exclaim loudly "It smells like a turkish brothel in here!" then slam the door. Took me a while to work out what she was referring to.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 14:00, 2 replies)

Country Folk
Last week I was in my local village post office. For those of you who don't know I live right out in the sticks in a world akin to Emerdale or The League of Gentlemen. We still have a village idiot - my ex is related to him by marriage. There is inbreeding aplenty - in the hamlet where I used to live with my ex (I now only live three miles up the road) his family accounted for half the population - there are 17 of them ALL IN THE SAME STREET!!!

Anyway, the village post office has appeared in episodes of Miss Marple and period dramas - it's said to be one of the most beautiful in England with it's Tudor cottages, Castle, quaint pubs and a stunning church where Mr Motivator was married (google him, he was big years ago...okay, not big, but he used to be on breakfast TV).

So there I am waiting patiently to buy my stamps and send off my Fleabay sale. An old man stands in front of me and he's having problems with some document that requires his birth certificate, passport, pension book, parents' marriage certificate and a premium bond - I think he wanted to open a Post Office Savings Account.

Also in the queue was an elderly couple who looked like Incomers - they wore clothes clearly purchased from Marks and Spencers and not the local branch of Scats*. It's possible they were just visiting and wanted to pick up some local colour by trying the Post Office - certainly they looked a little wary and as it was to turn out, with good cause.

After ten minutes of patiently waiting for the kindly but very, very elderly postmaster to explain to his equally elderly customer that he'd need to come back with his wife and all their children, I was beginning to lose the will to live.

Then in walks a rather distracted looking countrywoman; old stained puffa jacket, headscarf on the back of her head, wild tangled hair falling around her ruddy face, tweed skirt and stout green wellies - in other words a normal neighbour of mine.

"Hello! Hello! Good mornin' all!"

The postmaster glances up and smiles tightly, I nod and the old man carries on packing all his paperwork into a Morrison's carrier bag. The Incomer couple shuffle a little closer towards me and away from the wild woman.

"Blimey George, you gonna be much longer 'ere?" She squawks at him.

He ignores her so she loudly launches into what she's just been up to…..

"I've jus' come from the docs and Florrie**was in there an' she wus tellin' me the doc asked her 'ow many kiddies she'd 'ad.

She told 'im Three.

'E asked 'er what she used for contraaaacepshun an' she said she dirrunt use any, not errra.

'E told 'er she was bloody lucky!

I say she's a bloody liar!"


She then launched into a cackling laugh that became a racking cough, she stepped outside and spat out a lung, then returned to a stunned and silent Post Office.



Everyone knows that sleeping with your brother is effective contraception







* It's not a fetish shop, it's a farming supplies shop….although you can buy tack and whips there….
**May not be her name.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 13:50, Reply)

not the links board i know.
but i feel this is relevant.

Safe for work pron.

www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/959872/

funny as

Watch out for the sweetcorn guy.

edit: the guy playing pin ball is also pretty good...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 13:37, 11 replies)

i was once watching neighbours years ago
Scott and charlene were kissing. Being a confused 6 yr old. I walked up to my mum and said

"Mum, why do the people in neighbours kiss like this?"

At which point i try to chew my mums jaw off.

( i tried to snog my mum)

Queue my mum pushing me back in a horribly confused matter, whilst my older brother collapsed in a fit of laughter.

Jeeze, ive only just remembered this and can only assume it was repressed for some reason...

*begins to twitch..

*begins to weep
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 13:35, 15 replies)

I was a very confused child ...
I knew that sex had something to do with men putting their willies inside ladies. The trouble was, I thought they left them there, so I was very concerned about how the men would be able to wee afterwards.

I was told that your periods started when you were 13 and stopped when you were about 50. I understood this to mean that women bled continuously for about 40 years.

With hindsight, I probably shouldn't have relied on sex education from a girl who swore blind that you shouldn't wear tampons on aeroplanes because they would shoot out at high altitude.

And, in my defence, I still meet fully grown men who don't know that ladies don't wee out of their vaginas ...
(doman is living the dream, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 13:20, 4 replies)

We got all sorts of messed up sex mehducation in the playground...
From the classic:
Weeing in a womans mouth will make her pregnant.
To the chilling:
Women grow teeth in their Mini moos when they get divorced.
And my favourite:
If you spunk more than 3 times a day it makes your sperm grow bigger and bigger until you're pushing tadpole size baby gravy out of your japs eye.
There was one lad (an only child) who swore blind that he had ejaculated a large single sperm that had tiny webbed legs. He did later attempt to retract this statment but I believe he is still known as Froggy Froggy Bullshit Wanker to this day.
( Woolworth Smells of festive spices, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 13:10, 3 replies)

The cleverest penis in the world
Many moons ago, back when Miraclefish was young and Yoyos were yet to make their comeback, I was a naive little child.

My older brother, bless him, set about filling me in on the ins-and-outs (fnarr) of sex, girls and other icky stuff.

'Have you had a stiffy yet?'

Umm, yeah...

'Do you know what that means?'

Nope.

'It means you fancy a girl. If you like her, your willy gets stiff and points at her.'

Ohh. But, umm, I've had one. And I don't fancy her. She's ugly and doesn't like Star Wars.

'Ahh, you might think you don't, but if you get a stiffy, your willy knows that you do.'

Ohh. Wow. That's cool. Oh no. I fancy her!

And so the young miraclefish spent the next year of his life believing his special co-pilot could read his mind or see the future, resigning himself to fancying girls he thought he hated, while feeling nothing for ones he thought he liked.


Some time later, in the first sex (teacher said a bad word!) education lesson, the myth was dispelled. I was so annoyed that I stole my brother's bottle of Mountain Dew.

Damn you, Miraclebrother, damn you!
(Miraclefish How appropriate, you fight like a cow, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 13:07, Reply)

The Chickenlady Guide to Giving The Talk
This one happened only last week and was prompted by a question raised by Son #2 in the car (again)

Talk Three - Contraception and STDs


Son#2 Mum, what's a condom?

I have by now stopped asking where they heard the word and in what context - just in case they're asking about something entirely innocent - they play rugby and will be off to senior school next year. They may still harbour hopes of Father Christmas existing but they also live in the real world (some of the time).

Me It's like a balloon that's put over a man's willy when a couple are having sex. It's to prevent them having a baby or catching diseases.

I see my opportunity to cover two more topics here - birth control and STDs!

Daytime television beckons me again…I could be the new Denise on This Morning with Philip and Fern…..

Son#2 But why do people use them? Sex is for making babies, so why would you use them?

Oh my god! Catholicism is in the genes! How the hell did that happen? After all I've told these boys? How could he have this misguided belief?

Me No, no, no sweetheart. Sex isn't just for making babies. Sex is a way of communicating, people don't just do it to have babies.

Son#2 So….you've…..

Me Yes, more than once. laughs But when the time comes for you to have sex it's really important that you use condoms - not just to prevent having babies but more importantly to stop you catching or giving someone germs.
You know how if you are kissed by someone with a cold you could catch it? Well, having sex - putting your willy into someone else's body is another way to spread germs, so condoms help to prevent that.


I then recapped on the whole relationship thing and not lying to people, how it's important that regardless of the sex of their friends and partners... But we’re not gay! ....maybe not, but there's nothing wrong with it, you know.... Your friend is gay, isn't she Mum, we've met her girlfriend, they seemed normal....

Me Anyway, so when the time comes, make sure you know them really well, you like and care for them very much, don't lie to them and always use a condom.

Bloody hell, I'm good. Loose Women, here I come!

Son #1 Yeah, and buy them a drink in the pub first.




*Sigh*
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:48, 7 replies)

In truth
I was pretty clued up about the birds and the bees from a young age. My mum is fantastically creative and rather than go for some old hat method of explaining it all, she took 6 of my sister's dolls and told me each of these young girls represented an important rule of making a baby.

Doll # 1 (a mermaid Barbie, I think). Her name was Aya. She represented love. You should love the one you wish to have a child with.

Doll # 2 (an old Cindy with an arm missing). Her name was Freja. She represented truth. You should always be honest with the mother to your child.

Doll # 3 (...well, this was an Action Man. My sis was a bit of a tomboy at times). "Her" name was Delores. She represented prosperity. You should work hard and be prosperous in order to raise your child with a good work ethic.

Doll # 4 (Cabbage Patch Doll). Her name was Eliza. She represented health. Remain in good health so when you try for a baby, it will more likely be healthy.

Doll # 5 (Optimus Prime. The bitch nicked my Optimus Prime). "She" was called Helena. She represented humour. Learn to laugh in life. It will make your partner and your baby enjoy you more.

Doll # 6 (nondescript little plastic girl). Last and not least we had Maria. She represented longetivity. To do as told by the other 5 girls and keep doing it to ensure that from the moment you decide to try for a child up to the day that child walks out of your front door as an adult, the entire process is purely good and beautiful.

So thanks to this little talk, I had no trouble understanding sex.

And it was all thanks to my Six Miss. Conceptions.

*bends over and waits for the punishment*
(GONEism, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:46, 3 replies)

"when they discover girls/boys"
It seems to be generally believed that boys only start getting interested in sex/romance at a particular age.

From what I can remember, I've always wanted to do stuff to the ladies. I remember watching a woman on TV singing 'All That Jazz' and finding the line about pulling her stocking down unbearably erotic; this would have been long before puberty. Also having a thing for the (cartoon) woman on Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids.

Am I just a Ron Jeremy style freak of nature?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:40, 8 replies)

Strangechap reminds me...
...and the times you'd get a pre-pubescant erection and it's all coming flooding back.

My younger brother and I had a special name for this, and I still cringe at the time I ran downstairs at the age of eight or nine years old - completely naked except for a youthful boner - shouting:

"Mummy! My winky's playing doo-dah again!"

Try explaining THAT to the old lady next door.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:28, 2 replies)

I was watching TV only last night.
and on one of the adverts, the voiceover guy said “She was a woman who loved to be seduced...”

My little 7 year old MasterTwistyCheeky gazed up at me with a sweet but puzzled expression and enquired:

“Daddy, what does ‘seduced’ mean?”

With a knowing smile, I patted him gently on his head and explained:

“That’s when a bloke has to do things like buy flowers and bollocks for his bird when all he really wants to do is whop out his cock and fuck the arse off her”

What? – When this QOTW is regurgitated a few years from now (as will no doubt happen) – I don’t want him posting some shite about not knowing the facts of life.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:22, 1 reply)

Fanny Farts
I used to think women could only fart from their arses then I learnt about quiffing and entering and retracting at a certain 45 degree angle.
(TwinkleFuckingToes Has a ingrown toe nail, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:19, Reply)

The Chickenlady Guide to Giving The Talk
Many of The Talks have happened in the car - I suspect it's more to do with having my undivided attention than not having to look me in the eye, but maybe that too.

Talk Two - Relationships

So we'd already covered the basics of anatomy and the mechanics of sex and the biologically intended outcome of babies - remember the chickens.

The next bit that I felt I needed to address was Relationships - it's no good if my sons know what goes where and so on but have no idea that ones feelings enter into all this.

Again this was some years ago. The conversation began with one of them asking me what the word 'gay' meant as it was being used in the playground and they didn't understand it but knew it was something rude.

Me You know how there are mummies and daddies who love each other? Well sometimes some men only want to be with other men-

Son #1 You mean like Uncle David in the army?

Me Er, no. Uncle David is in the army but he's married to Auntie Sally and the army isn't just for men you know.

Ha! Nip that stereotype and sexist thinking in the bud right there! I will have liberal, openminded sons!

Me I mean that some men and some women decide that they want to share their lives with other men or other women.


Okay, so we'd got that one straight, the boys moaned that children in the playground were calling each other gay and being nasty - the usual schoolground stuff. The conversation developed on to sex…as it so often does…

Son #1 So if I have a girlfriend have I got to have sex with her?

Me No sweetheart. When the time comes that you both feel ready to 'share' your bodies with each other...

[Me? Preach? Nooooo! Vomit bags can be found near the exits, thank you.]

...then you will want to make love or have sex. It is really, really important that you wait until you find someone you really care about. Don't lie to them, never ever tell one girl you really like her and then start going out with another one at the same time - that's just wrong. But having a girlfriend is about being with someone because you like them, it's not just about sex and it's not something to rush into.

Son #2 When will all this happen?

Me Probably when you're in your late teens or maybe after that - there's no hurry.

The sound of two pre-pubescent boys thinking this one over………………

Son #1 So mummy what you're saying is that when we're about 18 we'll have girlfriends and we'll have sex with them. And we'll be nice to them and not lie to them and like them too.

Me Yes. That's about the size of it.

I was now feeling very smug with myself - I had done The Talk and covered the basics of relationships - what a wonderful mother I was! I could take over from Trisha or even Jeremy Kyle!

Son #1 But mummy does this mean we'll have to……kiss them!?


Ah you foolish woman….you may hope that you're setting down foundations for them to grow into good men but you forget that they are small boys who think girls smell funny.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Fri 26 Sep 2008, 12:14, 9 replies)