Not me, well, kind of me...
I couldn't see my own hand in front of my face, such was my level of inebriation. I'd been out since around 6pm and it was now 1:30am, I was functioning solely on the need to get home. There was one more thing I needed to do though, I needed to secure a lady to take with me. The plan was simple: I would select one of the foxy lasses from the club and invite them back to my place where I would then sex them until the early hours. Or I'd burp at them and fall asleep. One of the two.

Unsurprisingly my slurred attempts at conversation fell on deaf ears. I was destined, after a relentless stream of rejection, to go home alone. Or was I!

I had my eureka moment! I would phone Becky, my random-shag friend. She would come to mine and we would have the sex. Yay!

I punched her number into my phone and did my best "I'm not that drunk really, please come and have sex with me" patter. It worked, she agreed to leave the club she was at (way on the other side of town) and come to my place. Success, all I had to do was go home and await my prize.

I did get home. I got into my room. I dropped my phone down the side of the bed. I fell asleep.

Becky arrived but I was dead to the world. Her calls and knocks went unanswered, no matter how persistent she was. She called another cab, at her expense of course, and went back across town to her place. We never spoke again.

So, the vandalism? Well, before Becky called a cab she left me a present. Or, she left my Sierra 1.8GL a present. Not one panel was left straight. Each one had a huge dent and an accompanying heel mark. The mirrors were on the floor, the boot spolier was hanging off and all four tyres had been let down. The best bit? That would be the "COCK!" she scrawled across the windscreen in lipstick. Or should that be "COC..." thanks to her being a little to aggressive with her Max Factor application, running out half way through.

When I saw it in the morning I was a little taken back, but I still laughed.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 13:00, 1 reply)

Just wondering
If you never spoke again, how do you know she took a cab home?
(brutal stack Raided the beeves of Apollo on, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 13:13, closed)

The...
...fact she didn't stay at mine + the fact she wasn't outside my house in the morning x the fact she lived nowhere near me = the conclusion that she got a cab home.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 8 Oct 2010, 13:29, closed)