my grandfather's grandfather
My grandfather, rest his soul, departed our family's company in early 2004. He was an utter legend of a man, near-mythic in his brilliance. Warm, funny, wonderful, something of a giant of a man, and with always a story to tell. This is one he told us, passed down from his own grandfather, Philip.

Philip had done a lot of travelling in his lifetime. He was never shackled to one place very long, and as such early in his life he'd come to know a great many women. My grandfather told me that he'd confided he'd likely fathered a lot of children in his early life on before heading off on some other adventure, most of whom he didn't know. He later met his wife, who knew nothing of the sort, and that was real love: she came with him from then on as he travelled the world, along with their kids, who the couple loved to bits.

Eventually Philip decided to settle the family down, but before he did he ended up closer to home shores than he had in many years. It was a commune in the north of France, and he spent a couple of years there, befriending the people and generally becoming one of the 'family' in the little, tight-knit community. It was a wonderful experience, all told, and during this time he met a great many interesting faces.

One of these was a local artist who was getting on quite a bit, head almost bald and a great bushy beard sported proudly across his face. He and Philip got on like a house on fire, and Claude often let Philip sit in on his paintings, watching so long as we was quiet. Philip thought he was grand, if a little peculiar, and one of the oddest things about Claude was his little belt problem.

You see, Claude was getting on in years, and he had rather some unfortunate habits when it came to his art. He wouldn't work seriously for months at a time, ballooning to great size: then inspiration would strike and he would become reclusive, barely leaving his home until he was finished his latest masterpiece. During these episodes he would so rarely eat that he practically wasted away. Claude's stomach changed so drastically in size, yo-yoing that he needed a new set of trousers every month or so to accommodate his change in size.

But Claude wouldn't stand for this. One man needed just one pair of trousers, he said, but that little piece of advice for life didn't extend to belts. As such, the artist was constantly purchasing new belts, plucking new holes in them as he got smaller, until the leather fell apart and he needed a new one. Then he'd grow in size, work outward through the pinholes until the very last, and then need a bigger size. This fluctuation was so rapid and happened so often that he ended up destroying his belts through misuse within a matter of months.

Accompanied with this, Claude was also developing a problem with cataracts, and often found himself picking up the wrong belt size, when in a hurry and not trying them on, and ended up wasting all his cash.

This went on the entire time Philip and family were in the commune, and though Philip never said so to Claude, he found the artist's plight wonderfully funny, if a little tragic. After a couple of years, Philip finally ventured home and settled back down in not-so-sunny England, living the rest of his life quietly, telling people of his travels and the stories. Apparently when they left, Claude was shrinking down again, complaining as he always did about needing a new belt between strokes of paint on his newest masterpiece.

And that was the waist of Monet.
(ratthingbazzterd, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 16:23, 5 replies)

I'm happy I've learned to read the last line before starting to read any large post :)

( Richard Shitheels, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 16:25, closed)

made it to 'Claude'
before reading the last line ...
(weaselinajetengine, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 16:35, closed)

Same here
Don't you people read the previous posts?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 1 Oct 2010, 16:42, closed)

God
I hate you.
( 6821isnotmyPIN Bored cig., Sat 2 Oct 2010, 5:14, closed)

im so proud i stopped reading at the first mention of 'artist' then skipped to last line!!
(sonofstuj is exactly who you think he is, Sat 2 Oct 2010, 17:22, closed)