Mincing my words
What I should have said:

We have to talk, I feel that we are not moving anywhere as a couple which is entirely my fault, I need time and space to sort my own life out before I can devote my life to you. We just met at the wrong time but there shall always be a corner of my heart which is forever yours.

what I wanted to say:

We need to talk. I'm fed up of your constant whinging and demands, you aint all that and I've lied whenever I said you are not fat. You are. And the only thing more hideous than your arse is your personality, chunkmeister.

What I ended up doing:

Being moody, uncommunicative and a general twunt until she said 'We need to talk'

Click I like this if you've done the same head in the sand trick
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 14:00, Reply)

Leicester
After moving from my family home (I use the term family very loosely because although that was our unit technically, a more correct term would perhaps be 'a collection of individuals linked by blood and marriage with a mutual loathing of each other)at the tender age of 18 from London to Leicester to be with my girlfriend, we lasted a few months before I got the 'we need to talk' line.

Now to contextualize this somewhat, I had moved to arguably the shittest city in the midlands to be with my love. I knew no one up there and she was only going to be there 3 days a week anyway due to going to uni elsewhere. Quite a big one to take for the team but sod it, she was the love of my life and side by side, I could take on the world (Or at least East Midlands).

So to get this line just a few weeks after upping sticks from my life was slightly dissapointing. Her more immediate timing was also silly, considering I was throwing knives at my guitar case (Closet emo right here I reckon). So to cut this short, I accepted what she had to say, and now her dismembered corpse is somewhere near lutterworth. I had to chop her into little pieces because my guitar case wouldnt shut properly.
(The_Greyhound wrote www.luckymcdanger.blog.co.uk on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 13:53, Reply)

Perhaps I should have mentioned it earlier
The night of my 21st birthday, although several years ago, is still burned in my menory.

I kind of forgot to mention to the girl I had been "seeing"* that I didn't want to see her any more.

She kind of got the message from me ignoring her all evening and "talking to"** another young lady.

When I saw her crying at the bar, sat with her friend who was staring daggers at me, I thought it prudent to broach the subject of our impending break up, with the "I think we should talk..." conversation. All things considered, it went relatively well.

I still feel like a complete oaf for being so inconsiderate and insensitive. To make it worse, she put out and the new girl never did.

* shagging
** groping and fondling
(lardyboy Next stop, Fissplap Central, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 13:49, Reply)

Rugmunch
The last time I had one of these was when my mum told me she was now a lesbian and was moving in with her 'friend'.
Neither terribly interesting nor funny - sorry about that folks!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 13:42, Reply)

Guinness - My Arse !
One awful morning after consuming 18 pints of delicious Guinness, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend idley stroking the rigid, diabolcal quiver of my member.
She soon got out of bed and went to the bathroom, and I seized the moment of solitude to rid myself of the titanic fart i could feel brewing in my guts.
I arched my back, squeezed, and immediately recoiled in horror as 18 pints of dark black liquid faeces erupted from my poor unsuspecting sphincter all over my thighs and bedsheets.

Quickly jumping out of bed, tearing up the richly stained sheets and wiping myself 'clean', I just managed to ball up the evidence and pull the duvet over the bare mattress before she came back in the room.

I stuffed the Guinnessy shit-sheets behind an amplifier and showered away the shame.

Anyway....we had to go somewhere pretty smartish so thought I would take care of the accidental dirty protest when we got back.

Upon our return however, We were greeted by the sight of my dear old mum clutching a bucket full of cleaning products, with tears in her eyes.

"We have to talk..." she said


I assure you, Vanish Stain Sticks do NOT work.
(wrigglesworth, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 13:40, Reply)

I prefer...
"It's not me, it's you" after the "We have to talk" cliches.

Never been cruel/sober enough to remember to do it though.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Fri 20 Apr 2007, 13:35, Reply)

true story

My last girlfriend broke up with me because I was too controlling.

Specifically, I was too controlling of her speed habit.

Specificially, I asked if she could avoid taking speed on nights before she saw me (ie one night a week, chosen by her), because she was difficult to be with when she was coming down.

you can't spell "I'm not bitter" without "I'm bitter."
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 13:32, Reply)

The wife
So, things seemed to be going okay after a seriously rocky patch. We'd been married for a year and a half (after being together for about 3 or 4) during which time she'd messed around with at least one of my friends, started a thing with a bloke she worked with, lied incessantly, gone through weeks where she'd start an argument every day literally on waking up, blamed me for everything, and generally turned me into a neurotic, untrusting wreck. Anyway, like I said things seemed to be working out - she'd broken it off with the bloke at work (she said), she was getting counselling, and we were even talking about kids.

So, one evening she's showing me all these sexy nighties she's just bought. That was nice. Then she cooked me a lovely dinner (still in the nightie). That was nice. Then as I was eating she sat across from me and said that she needed to break it off because it wasn't working and she needed to find out who she was...blah blah blah.

In fact, what she meant was that she wanted to get with the smarmy twat at work and that the counselling had basically just supported her insane view that all the lying and cheating was part of "growing as a person" rather than just, you know, selfish bitch type behaviour.

Anyway, after shouting at her for a bit I went for a walk, called a mate, went round his house and watched Saving Private Ryan. Try it if you get dumped by an idiot, it really puts things in perspective.

Don't ever marry a girl who was a virgin when you met them - even if they say you're "the one", the chances they've got all their shagging out of the way is very slim.

I am in no way bitter about that break-up.
( yes yes yes man oi mate, someone's writtten 'bum' on your neck, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 13:15, Reply)

I did it...twice..
I met my bf before I went away to Uni- we both agreed he would come over every other weekend - and that we 'would make it work'.

I had no issues with this- I could go out whenever I wanted when he wasn't there- and as he had a job- he took me out whenever he was. I started to get bored of it all- plus there was this really hot guy in my halls- so at the beginning of the summer holidays I did the inevitable.. we have to talk - only after he drove over to see me and drop off the stuff I asked him to take home for me- as I couldn't carry it in the train to get home.

Then over the summer the lack of sex began to take its toll, we got back together, and at the start of my second year - we decided to make it work- and he would come up every other weekend.

Que April 1st - decided he really was mummys-boy/wet/weedy type of thing and did it again.

He thenm drove me home - a good hour 1/2 journey - where we parted forever. - until I shagged him at the end of the holiday.
(audreyforbes audreyforbes, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:51, Reply)

I was with my ex once and
she said she had to have 944 lb-ft.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:30, Reply)

I appear to have a story slagging off my ex husband for most grim QOTW's!
I was away for a weekend and my (now ex) husband had a cob on about it because I wasn't at home to run around after him, washing up and cooking and cleaning, etc etc, whilst he sat on his fat lazy ass as per usual. Bear in mind this was the only weekend in about 6 months that I'd gone away on alone (staying with female friends, so it wasn't as if I was having an affair). So he texts me on the Friday night, at about 2.30 am with the 'we have to talk' thing, demanding I come away from my £200+ weekend the very next morning for such talk.

After dealing with endless torrents of shit from this guy, this was the last straw. I told him to get to fuck as I wasn't having an argument over text message, or coming home to 'talk' (i.e. he was going to shout at me and point out all my faults and impose kpi's on the amount of sex we should have - whilst forgetting the fact he was a total prick) and promptly phoned my parents to go collect my stuff. I wasn't going to give up my weekend that I'd paid for with MY money.

I haven't looked back since, and now I have the lovely psausage76, who pretty much doesn't talk, so we don't have to have those conversations :D
(mazzmatazz is messing it up like a blue bottle, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:29, Reply)

Prominent memories
The first time was when my mother discovered a heap of stiff and spackled socks under my bed alongside a gentleman's magazine featuring explicit material. That wasn't her concern, however. What perturbed her more was that I had made 'underwear' for the naked ladies from pieces of coloured paper so that I could derive more enjoyment by undressing them myself. On that occasion, she suggested a psychiatrist.

The next occasion was when a famiy friend reported to her that I had been spotted in the local woods crouching in a bush in a camouflage jacket with my face made up in camo-paint and clutching a Rambo knife (the one with the compass and sewing kit in the handle and a jagged upper edge). She thought I was going to grow up to be a serial killer and suggested that I see a psychiatrist.

The final occasion was when my dad asked me if I was gay because I seemed to be spending a lot of time reading books at home. I was revising for my A levels. He gave me money and told me to get down the pub to find a woman to "look after me". I spent the money on more coloured paper for porn underwear and a sharpening stone for my Rambo knife.
(frankspencer, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:17, Reply)

Never say never.
I had a girlfriend when I was 15, who gave me the "we need to talk... I don't think this is working" shpiel just about every damn week. I liked the ditzy little bird so I would dutifully talk her round and reassure her of how great we were together blah blah blah.
After I got into her pants, she rang me one night with the same old crack about it 'not working' so I gave her a smashing 'wet kipper slap' by telling her that I completely agreed and things had gone a bit stale. Let's stay friends, though. Bye!

Strange thing is, I started seeing her again three years after that and now we're married with kiddies. (That's as close as I get to "treating 'em mean"!!)
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:17, Reply)

when i was small and furry
my first proper boyfriend, i call him up

me-we need to talk
him - er ok
me - do you still want to be going out with me
him - yes
me - er, oh, i dont
him - oh

sounds like being dumped doesnt it, somehow he didnt get the message! who said life was simpler when you're young
(skankgirl, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:11, Reply)

It sucked to be me...
If you girlfriend suggests you go on a break it generally means the following:

* - She has met someone new.
* - She doesn't know if he is better than you yet.
* - She wants to be guilt free whilst she finds out.
* - It's over.

Three years ago now and it still makes me angry thinking about it.
(mehmeh 0% witty, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:08, Reply)

Mike
This tale is about an old mate I used to work with. Mike.

Mike was a strange chap. For one, he didn't drink. Just didn't like the effect of alcohol. But he was also one of the funniest people I knew. He had a mind like a cork-screw - odd and twisted.

He used to live together with a lovely girl called Becks (at least I think that was her name - I'm crap at remembering peoples names). Becks was a great lass, but a bit dippy. She loved going out clubbing and dancing and, most of the time, she went without Mike as clubs bored him stupid.

So this one night Mike was fast asleep in bed when Becks came in at about 3am. She switched the light on and sat cross-legged on the bed.

"Mike...." she shook him awake "Mike - we really have to talk. I need to talk to you Mike"

So Mike surfaced out of the depths of sleep and sat upright. Becks wanted to talk? In the middle of the night? What was wrong? Had she found somebody else? Was this the "I love you but...." talk that everyone in a relationship dreads?

So Mike sat there and looked at Becks.

"OK love - what do you want to talk about?"

"Ooooh - I don't know. You pick a subject!!" she drunkenly giggled...

Cheers

Legless
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:04, Reply)

Murphys
This QOTW is a bit spooky as I bumped into the subject of it in Tesco's last night by the spuds and we can actually speak to each other now - how adult we are.

I'd been seeing this guy, Andy, for some time, but in the meantime one of my mates had fixed me up with list long-haired guy with a cute ass (just my type!) so I had to do the old We Have To Talk conversation with poor old Andy.

So we met up, me feeling really sorry for the guy and also terribly guilty, bought the drinks and we had the inevitable conversation. Andy says "NJ, can we please go outside? I need some fresh air". Methinks the guy's going to cry so I do the decent thing and follow him into the pub garden...where the B*stard pours his full pint of Murphys over my head!!! That's right, the Murphys I just crapping well bought for him! I swung for him, but sadly missed, while he went running off down the street laughing at me. I'm doing it over the telephone next time.
(NJ, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:02, Reply)

ACTUALLY TRUE FFS!!!
*ring ring, ring ring*

me: Hello?
Bro in law: dan? we need to talk....
me:whats up?
Bro in law: your mums dead.....
me:ah!

5 years later....
*ring ring*
me:hello?
bro in law: dan? your nanas dead!
me:ah!


now whenever the phone rings, and its his number, I am filled with terror!
He isnt subtle my bro in law.....
(UnstableDan Bah, Humbug! ooooh, humbugs, nyom!, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 12:00, Reply)

Marriage
No other phrase strikes dread into the weary husband as much as "We need to talk" - because what it really means is:

"You have done something else wrong and now I'm going to explain to you why you are a loser and why I am going to get my way, like I always do - because if I can't win an argument with rational discussion and reasoned examples, I will win it with moody silences, emotional blackmail, crying and harbouring a grudge for months and months until you finally give in on this one trivial point that I have chosen to exaggerate beyond all proportion just because it's my right as a woman to do so."

So when I hear it, I just say "Yes, you're right" and the pain goes away until next time I take off my ankle chains and try to look at the sky.
(Fothermucker, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:53, Reply)

dumped
without reading the existing stories i'm gonna guess they are mostly about being dumped.

she was my first proper girlfriend and she rang me saying "we need to talk.. can you meet me at...?"
at first i was kindof naive and wondered what she wanted to talk about. then it dawned on me.
i rang my bezzie mate and told him i was about to be dumped. so he rang her and shouted at her. what a legend

but i went and met her anyway as she wanted me to meet her at the shop at the end of my road, i went in the shop, bought some crisps and a big bottle of coke(i was 15) and said "i know what your gonna say so dont even bother saying it.. bye" then went home. she didnt bother saying anything.
(suboftheday, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:50, Reply)

Only happened once.
Little bit of insight into why I'm such a prick this one.

T'was the week before Valentines, and my first proper gf (and not just drunken fumble), uttered these immortal and ominous words.

Now this lass had already cheated on me twice, once with a supposed best mate (a story for another time) and due to a low self esteem at the time, I took the lying slag back.

Over the course of our relationship, I had an epihany of sorts, realising that although I am never going to win a beauty contest or be a millionare, I'm fun to be around due to my complete lack of shame and smart mouth, and thus realised that although I did love the girl, I could do better.

She phoned me first and had a preperation argument, then she came over to visit, and she began listing my faults...

I cut her off and asked how her new fella was...

I explained that she had being seen with a blonde stick thin wanky student type by some of my mates, and that I'd being shagging a lass from the typing pool at work for 2 months and didn't really give two squirts of piss about her latest rhetoric or batch of excuses, and nor would I accept that I was in any way at fault for her desire to fill her cavernous chuff with any cock she was able to find available and willing.

She screamed and threw shit at me, I laughed and pointed out that Karma's a bitch... somehow I ended up giving her a break-up rutting, and I aint seen her since.

Result.
( BulldogUgly Visit my profile to see what's between my legs, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:37, Reply)

Not me
My flatmate, just been dumped by her boyfriend (she was messing around behind his back), bit of a shock. Had a good theory about it though...

Apparently their relationship was just like a sandwich toaster. "You know, you just forget you've got one. And it just sits there on the top of the cupboard collecting a layer of greasy fudge. And even if you do see it you just assume it's broken, you think if it's working I'd be using it all the time, but you don't and it just sits there. Then one day, you get an overwhelming desire for toasted sandwiches, you know?

And you get it down and it works, and you can't believe it, you know? And then you make every kind of toasted sandwich there is, you have toasted sandwich parties. You make Marmite and cheese, chocolate and...acorns etc"

How many more qotw's do you think i can answer simply by quoting from Spaced?

Meh.
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:35, Reply)

when they don't want to hear the truth.
“We need to talk” I say to her loud and clear. She watches my mouth intently, her eyes never catching mine.
She just continues with her usual and starts waving her hands about frantically.
“It’s like we just don’t connect” I say. “Don’t get me wrong, in bed you’re wild. Always moaning and wailing like a sexed up banshee!” I smile at her and wink, but again she’s at it will the hands, behaving like a ADD kid who’s gobbled too many E’s at a hard core rave.
I lower my head and look to my feet. “things could have worked out so differently”, I finally utter.
She makes the “spazzy” sound at me, hits her palms together then gives me the finger.
If only she would get her damn hearing aids fixed.
(Jeeves, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:32, Reply)

I didn't know any better
Dumped a girl when I was 17 (first proper girlf) by calling her and saying something along the lines of "We need to talk, I don't think we should see each other anymore." And before she could answer I said "OK? Bye!"

Didn't go down very well apparently
(Zutroy started without you, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:30, Reply)

I sat him down and said...
"apeloverage, we need to talk..."
sadly i didn't have time to say anything else, as he started to ramble on about engineers, Erwin Rommel, Kurt Cobain and Jodie Foster.

length? about as short as my patience.
( Willwillwritehiswill An arse like a slapped face., Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:29, Reply)

not quite... but i'll throw it in anyway
after i started uni, the ex from the personal hygiene story and i started to drift. we were over distance (though we nearly always were) and i was changing, becoming the force of awesomeness i am now, while she was staying the same. now those of you that have been to uni will know that being around new people has an effect on your speech patterns, new words drop in, your accent changes etc etc.

one day she calls me up, i'm busy (drinking cider on the lawn at 11am or something) and she calls me. when i try to put her off (i'll call you later etc) she starts having a go at me for my halls accent (everyone gets one) and the words i'm using. she says "you dont speak like that", i respond with "quite clearly i do, in fact i am". she says "fine, you wont be hearing from me again".

what a way for 2 years to end thinks me.... followed shortly by "oh well, pub tonight!"


then it all got a bit weird.... but that's another QOTW
(court escaper, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:27, Reply)

I've Been On The "Giving" End Of These Talks....
Rather a lot, although one in particular kinda sticks out.

One of the guys in my college class, whom we shall call Richard, seeing as it's his name, decided it would be a good idea to ask me out just after breaking up with my rather serious ex....I accepted. Mistake. About two months down the line I decided I had to have "a talk". Over the phone. I would've laughed otherwise.

It went something like this:

Me: Um....we need to talk
Richard: I'm not going to like this, am I?
Me: Er...no.
Richard: I'm dumped, aren't I?
Me: Um...yea.
*long awkard pause*
Richard: Can't we just go on a break?
Me: Erm...
Richard: Please?
Me: Okay then......
*I hang up, unsure of what just happened*

We had pretty much the exact same talk again the next morning, resulting in an actual break-up. It was awkard as hell, especially when the bastard started stalking me afterwards.

Actually, that resulted in another "We have to talk...."
(TuftyBee should have been working on, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:27, Reply)

The phone call from hell..
Not the one that went 'I'm getting a bit attached to you' 'I don't give a shit about you, bye bye' (paraphrased, but roughly that response) or the one after a few week relationship 'I'm not sure it's working out, but it was just a bit of fun wasn't it?' 'well, I actually wanted you for more than the sex' 'ohshit'.

No, the one that happened after just a (very nice) night of kissing, and a subsequent meal out and clubbing night with nothing more than a hug. This person had a sort of boyfriend they'd split up with, and then got together again, and then split up and..

There was then the phone call about how it would 'never work' and we should not try and progress it beyond friends. That took up the first 15 minutes - fair enough. It was then repeated, with lots of references to their just out for a convenient shag ex boyfriend for the next *one and a half hours*. I of course was stupid enough to carry on listening as I wanted to keep them as a friend.

It would have been less offensive to say 'I'm all loved up from being fucked both by my crappy ex and an anonymous guy, the sex has made me retrospectively think they're amazing, so I don't want to fuck you'

Of course it wasn't worth trying to keep them as a friend in the end; I did all the staying in contact, trips to visit were expensive and drama filled so I decided to wait for them to initiate contact instead of checking in on them every few months. Still waiting..
(EssY, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 11:26, Reply)

Friend of mine
didn't want to dump her boyfriend using "We need to talk" and so the conversation went like this:

"Ed....you know how we're going out? Could we, like, not?"

Bless her.
(CatfaceJones, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:59, Reply)

walking with girlfriend and group of friends
Girlfriend: "We need to talk."
At that point anyone who was near-by walked away very quickly. People who have a shred of dignity give people privacy in moments like that. She continued.
“I don’t think I’m ready [very good alteration of the “It’s not you, it’s me” paradigm] for a long term relationship with you. [very clean.] I think you can find someone more suitable for you [veering into a clinical tone now] who’s less mean than I am.”


Weird. My reply:
"Could you tell me again without the clichés?"

Didn't go down too well. She was a purple belt as well. Luckily I escaped alive.
(CatfaceJones, Fri 20 Apr 2007, 10:56, Reply)