» The Onosecond

Dull day at work Onosecond
Crushingly early on a Monday, at a crap job at a lousy exam board in London. Yes, that one.

It must've been about 9.30am. Coultas comes over to say hello, while Gay Rog emails me the same sentiments. As I was chatting to Coultas and typing "How are you?" to Roger, I got sloppy.

Roger's email retort was "I'm super, thanks for asking", which some may recognise as a song by Big Gay Al from the Southpark movie. For no particular reason, I thought I'd Google for the full lyrics by way of reply.

Meanwhile, Coultas is yabbering his usual dross about saving the pigeons and the hairy marsupials, while I distractedly typed into the search engine, 'BIG GAY AL'.
At work.
On a Monday morning.

"Cock pop-up" is the nearest way to describe what happened next. Frantically closing one phallus window caused three purpler, angrier ones to appear in its wake. And nothing, but nothing, would make them go away, or stop the multiplying.

Standing up to physically block the monitor lest anyone walk into work that day to be confronted by men greedily tugging at each others winkies, I ended up having to switch the computer off at the CPU. I then left a crying-with-laughter Coultas to walk straight to IT to admit that "I've just been viewing hardcore gay porn at work by accident. Sorry."

I don't work there anymore. It was EDEXCEL.
(Mon 30th May 2005, 21:02, More)

» The Onosecond

This is soooo getting deleted, it's not funny
Seeing as Sahar Habibi is touting for work, I'm going to break all the rules and submit for an old question - 'Claims to fame'.
I used to work at the BBC and have several:

1/ I once delivered a glut of Valentine's cards to Jill Dando. She said 'Ooh, are they all from you?' but because she was tall, voluptuous and famous, I just fidgeted and wittly replied 'No'. People still ask me if she ever "really, really annoyed me".

2/ Terry Wogan is about 8'10"

3/ On the phone to my then girlfriend at BBC Elstree, I excitedly told her that the Tesco's opposite was 24 hours. Barbara Windsor then walked past and said "That's interesting" and got in my lift.

4/ James Callis from Soldier Soldier and the gay bloke from Bridget Jones is a true gent. I dropped a script off at his house and he invited me in for a coffee but I was running late. Still owes me a pint though.

5/ One of the ginger soldiers on Soldier Soldier was a complete twunt. My script delivering was met with a glare, a snatched movement, a grunt and a door slam.

6/ I was hammered at a bar when Stephen Fry, recently returned to the UK after his slight wobbly spell, walked into the gents as I was leaving. My slurred 'Alright, Steve?' was met with an insecure Melchettian 'Beeeh."

7/ Another toilet theme. My mate Jamie and I sojourned to the toilet for a chat n'slash. In between us was Chris Barrie from Red Dwarf with his cock out. We stood either side of him and continued to banter. Rimmer laughed to himself, which was nice.

8/ The two Shit-Enders Di Marco brothers were in the bar once, where my friend knew the nice one. The brother with the croaky voice and stupid facial hair did what he did best, pouted and furrowed his brow at no-one in particular, whereas Marc Bannerman was charming and gave me his number to pass on to my mate when she had her phone to hand. Which was odd.

9/ Rolf Harris once winked at me.

10/ I chatted to Kate Humble when she was a researcher for Holiday and she mentioned her mother-in-law. It took several minutes for the devastating revelation that she was actually married to sink in.

11/ Annie Robinson got in a lift with me. "What floor?" I said. "Four", she replied.

12/ I once shook the hand of Tom Chemical Brothers after he came out of the WC in a Soho pub. I was reliably informed that he didn't wash his hands beforehand.

13/ I bought some ex-Big Brother girl a drink in a gay bar. She was loving the attention. I'm not even gay.

I'm stopping this now.
(Tue 31st May 2005, 15:39, More)

» The Onosecond

Disciplinary hearings at work
An office. A sleazebag.

He sat next to me and we hated each other. He was barred from visiting the Human Resources department (100% female), because he would drop in for a chat daily and waste half an hour of their time.

Anyhoo, I heard him on the phone one day saying he had to visit them, and was amused to hear him re-iterate several times that "yes, it's work related, honestly".

So I penned an email, that went roughly like:
`LOSER VISITS HR IN SHOCK WORK RELATED MATTER
A loser from Assessment today visited Human Resources to discuss something actually connected with his dull day job. Andy ***********, 12, of no fixed abode, was allowed to speak to HR on condition that he wasn't to stare at their clevages and dribble, or clap relentlessly like an overfed seal at some weak half-joke he'd made.'

Anyway, I sent it, probably unwisely, to the women in HR. I had imagined that it would give them something to giggle at while he stared at their clevages.

I didn't imagine that Andy would be drooling down the back of one of the girls as he helped her 'fix' her email. He then read it, had a hissy fit, forwarded it to himself, and proceeded to get me sacked on spurious email abuse charges.

Unfortunately for him I sent it during my lunchbreak, plus he was roundly despised by everyone with a womb for being a sex pest. If my job was seriously on the line, I had at least one friend willing to offer the sexually explicit emails he'd been sending her at work. The others didn't want to cause a fuss. Don't count on anyone when you're in the shit.

Nevertheless, we had to go through with the tedious and timewasting disciplinary hearings whereby he said I was the sex pest as he'd suddenly decided within the hour that he was bisexual. Shame that I and no-one else knew that, and I couldn't have cared less anyway.

It came to nothing, many people said it brightened their week (including two managers), and I got drunk for free for at least two days, mainly from women and the company football team. There is a god.

By the way, that moron has switched jobs and is still out there sleazing his way through women and cheating on his missus who apparently 'doesn't mind'. He even pestered one of my female friends to stay the night within a few hours of dribbling at her, saying she could wear his girlfriend's clothes the next day. Womenkind, you have been warned.
(Mon 30th May 2005, 22:17, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Not so much a treasure found but a treasure given away
I must have been about 21, fresh from Uni, my childhood something to forget I ever went through.
On returning home, my Mum demanded I have a clear out, so I decided to part with my entire Star Wars collection of figures, the milennium falcon, Bobba Fett's slave one, a Darth Vader helmet figure holder from the states that I got as a returned-from-holiday present, a ridiculous amount of crap. I decided to pass them on to my step-nephew as a charitable gesture. Truth be told, I couldn't bear to give them all away (this was in pre-eBay days, and pre-episodes 1-3 euphoria) so this was the next best thing, passing everything on to a younger relation for him to enjoy.

I next saw him about a year later so I casually enquired as to how he was getting on with the toys. "Oh, we threw them all away" came his refreshingly honest early-teenager reply. Limited edition figures, Yoda's dagobah system, it would be worth a fortune if the cunt didn't bin it all.

That was nearly ten years ago and it still pains me to recall it. Moral: fuck charity.
(Mon 4th Jul 2005, 3:18, More)

» The Onosecond

Not relative
I discovered a few years ago that as Outlook allows white type, I could write certain paragraphs viz: 'Hi Barry, can you send me next week's portfolios? And you are a cock-muncher', as the white background hides the bit you've white-font'ed. Call it 'Russian email roulette', if that is your wont.

Imagine my surprise when during a bout of group emailing, one friend found our little secret by accident, joining in to reply 'Ooh, this is exciting, kind of like the Matrix.'

He was right. It was a netherworld.

It doesn't work if someone's not on outlook as *all* your text is converted to a bog-standard black font.

Wish I could relate a funny story about that though.

Apologies for lack of foreplay.
(Tue 31st May 2005, 21:00, More)