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This is a question The Onosecond

Wired magazine once defined the 'onosecond' as the time between hitting 'send' and realising that you really didn't mean to send that to your granny.

What inappropriate email/text/photo have you sent to wrong people? Are they speaking to you any more?

(, Thu 26 May 2005, 10:15)
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This question is now closed.

Spoofing SMS
Not a lot of people know how to do this so I'll share.

A couple of years ago I was involved in a start-up company (alright, I owned the bugger) that was involved in writing a system that would let you send SMS text messages from Outlook to anyone in your contacts list. As a by-product of this work I discovered how to spoof the sender ID of the messages I was sending.

Now think of the implications of this. I could put *anything* I liked in the sender ID as long as it was under 12 characters. I could put numbers, text or a mix of them. I had some fun sending messages from GOD, 02 Admin, Orange etc to various people telling them that I'd cancelled their accounts as they'd been stalking people, sending porn etc, etc. Harmless fun. But then I got creative.

Using my brother as my first dupe I sent him a text message and spoofed the sender ID to come from his son Barry's mobile number. The beauty of this system is that whatever name my brother had stored his son's name as, that would pop up on his phone - in this case Number 1 Son. So I composed this.

"Dad.I can't tell you this to your face but I'm gay. And my arse doesn't half hurt."

And pressed the transmit button. Just at that split second I remembered that my brother had had a mild heart attack the previous month. Bugger! Spent the next few minutes frantically ringing him,getting an engaged tone and then re-dialling. I had these visions of him lying dead on the floor of his office, clutching his chest with one hand and his mobile with the other while that message scrolled across the screen pointing to my guilt.

Eventually I got through to him and explained that it was me that had spoofed the message. Turned out he had been sitting in the bog at work telling his wife that their beloved eldest son was batting for the other side. He was so relived that he promised to kill me quickly when we next met.

I remain,as usual,
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:09, Reply)
Follow up to phone sex.
So, I got chatting to this girl online, and, after about an hour, things start getting...well, interesting. I notice that her replies are getting progressively more spaced, so I pull out the old smooth gag of 'Finding one handed typing difficult then?'. Her reply is 'Yes...here's my phone number'.

Now, I'd never done phone sex before, but figured it was certainly worth a try. And worth a try, it indeed was. We proceeded to have very filthy phone-sex, and very satisfying it was too. We agree that we'll meet up later that week.

The next morning, I send her an email detailing how much I enjoyed the previous nights conversation....go back over some of the details, and add some extra imaginative things that I'm looking forward to doing to her later in the week. And these are filthy, sordid things.

Unfortunately, I mistyped the email address. I got one letter wrong. It still sent.

I did the only thing I could think of to do. I sent another one to the same address, saying roughly the following.

Hi - If you're male, please ignore the last email, it was to the wrong address, and I'm really embarassed. If you're female, please ignore the last email....unless of course you're intrigued, at which point, feel free to reply. If you're under 16, please, for Gods sake, don't show that to your parents. I'll get in trouble. I was talking about Bunny Rabbits. Honest.

I got a reply within the hour. I'd sent it to a guy in his thirties, who thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever received.
(, Sun 29 May 2005, 23:59, Reply)
Computer operator
We suffered a major system crash, and spent several hours running round swearing until the monster was fixed.

Boss sticks his head round the door and says "Scary - do us a favour - send an on-screen message to all users to let 'em know the computer's no longer fucked."

So I did.

"ALL USERS: COMPUTER NO LONGER FUCKED"

We laughed.

Then, I dropped my coffee mug. It landed on the Enter key.

Our network had several hundred users in many varied locations round the world.

I was no longer one of them.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:29, Reply)
Bitch pig slave meets foul whore
For years my mate and I have had this twisted in-joke going where we email one another stalker-type threats and S/M rantings eg "describe your faeces to me bitch and do not lie for I WILL FIND OUT" etc. Well we think it's funny. Anyhow a few years ago I was in the process of trying to gently retire a girlfriend via email (the old "it's not you its me" business)...
You can see where this is heading, can't you?
Cue to mate sending me one morning "hoho today my stool is ripe and sweet, foul slave, open your bitch mouth and gag". Christ, it's like Gandalf meets Roy of Finland. Well I can beat that, can't I: "Foul whore, moan while I roughly impale you on my proudness"... now just tap "send" and ...

Oh...

I hadn't used Reply, just typed out a new message, and Mr Freudian Slip had filled in the address. Well, that's one way to end a relationship, I guess.
When my mate found out, he tried to cheer me up with an email threatening to piss in my anus.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:56, Reply)
Sport
A friend of mine and myself play a game, normally whilst drunk, called 'SMS roulette'. It involves swapping mobiles and sending text messages to random people in the address book.

This has resulted in a message reading 'close my anus' being sent to his 14 year old cousin and the equally disturbing 'I've got the cock for you' being sent to my ex-boss.

We seldom play this game anymore.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:38, Reply)
Fun with poetry
I'm kind of stretching this to its natural limits, but here goes...

English class, year 11, posh grammar school. Very nice, butter-wouldn't-melt English teacher sets, for Valentine's Day, a poem on the theme of love and vegetables.

Cue my epic in the form of:

My love
I give you a cucumber
You'll need it
Because you're dumped

This being a heinous crime against nature, I was swiftly dragged up to the office of the Head of English, told that what I had written was offensive to all women and given a detention. Another guy also got a detention, for his poem which apparently contained the lines "Take a stick of celery/Rub it on my bum".
To be fair, what did my teacher expect, giving a subject like "Love and Vegetables" to a class of teenage boys? It's like giving matches, petrol and copies of the Daily Mail to left wing arsonists.
(, Fri 27 May 2005, 18:44, Reply)
.
Yeah sweetie, I'm just going to have a quick look on this shite website full of people who have nothing better to do but make shite pictures and think they're all so clever 'cause they know how to use photoshop. Christ what a lot of back slapping, self-important, arse licking wankers. ooohh a picture of a kitten with someone elses face how fucking funny. ohh stephen gerrard is a" scouser so the policeman thought he stole the cup, how funny. Oh some foreign name sounds like something rude in english, you know shit we used to laugh at in primary school. And there's some guy who always tries to make up surreal stories as an answer for something called QOTW, and they really are completely fucking boring, not to mention some cunt called Rob Manuel, who seems to spend all his time looking at porn then making crap games with it, MY GOD can't these sad tosser loosers get a life, oooh my Girlfriends parents saw me naked, doesn't interesting stuff happen to me. CHrist talk about computer geeks.
Anyway, I'll pick up a pizza on the way home, can we play that you game tonight, you dress up as darth vader and I'll piss myself like a naughty boy, now I've got bonner, how I love your fat arse.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:54, Reply)
My friend teaches Judo to young kids
one of them having the same name as his girlfriend. During a drunken night out, someone got hold of his phone and did the usuall funny trick of sending sexually explicit messages to other people. In trhis case they decided to text his girlfriend saying something along the lines of he wanted to fuck her up the ass. Except his girlfriend was in hes phone as Babe, not Emma. Emma was a 12 year old from his Judo class. Next morning he had to phone her parents and explain that their 12 year old daughter may have recieved a text message saying her judo teacher wanted to shag her up the ass.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 18:59, Reply)
coming in a jiffy
I once frapped off into a jiffy bag as a romantic gesture to a girl I knew. I thought I might as well save a few quid on the postage, so I stuck it in with my work's post.

She got it the following week, nice and stinky after a weekend's fermentation, and doesn't talk to me much now. Lost my job the same week as well. Tend not to wank in office stationery anymore.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:14, Reply)
Well bugger
I was writing a report about the military dangers of a certain country, which I had to email off to 'the boss'. No sooner than I had pressed send than I realised that I had written 45 minutes instead of 45 days! Well, it was too late to sort it out so I had to sit and wait.

Needless to say a big cock up ensued and a lot of money was spent on something which was ultimatley pointless.
(, Fri 27 May 2005, 12:41, Reply)
Another work one
Doing the usual post Xmas break "How was it" chat with a few colleagues.

Turned out that someones mum died on Xmas eve, which obviously ruined the holiday. It's always awkward thinking of the right thing to say at these times. However, it would be fair to say our secretary got it completely wrong with "Did you keep the receipt for her present?". Always engage brain before operating mouth.
(, Fri 27 May 2005, 9:58, Reply)
Another mate...
In the presence of a new member of staff my buddy was having a 'self concious' moment feeling very uncomfortable as she was so pretty. He'd gone to meet her to assist with problem of not being able to pass an exam. After exhaustive practice testing it was obvious her problem was not with the content of the exam but the pressures of exam conditions.

What happened next is now famous in our team. She was discussing the fact he had a calming nature. He actually meant to say 'I really wish I could come into the exam with you'. What he actually said was 'I really wish I could come inside you'.......

Nice. Lenth is relative don't you think
(, Tue 31 May 2005, 9:21, Reply)
I was in work one afternoon
when I got hit with a bout of cystitis. Not a pleasant thing for us girlies, and I was in crippling pain.

My boss agreed to send me hom, and I sent a text message to my then boyfriend telling him 'I'm on my way home, got cystitis, everyone in work now thinks you are some kind of superstud and that we were at it like bunnies on viagra last night. Can you nip out and get me some cranberry juice?'

When I got home, there was no cranberry juice and the boyf was quite surprised to see me. Apparently he hadn't got my message. 'No problem' I thought, 'it'll probably get delivered later or something'.

About an hour later I got a phone call off a strange bloke, asking me how I was feeling. I'd got a digit wrong in my boyfriends number and the message had gone to this poor man. Apparently his girlfriend was not amused, but his mates thought he was some kind of wench magnet.

He thanked me for improving his reputation, and hoped I got better soon. I blushed purple, stammered a sorry down the phone, and tried to hide under a cushion.

Needless to say everyone else found this hilarious.
(, Sat 28 May 2005, 16:00, Reply)
a lad i know
sent one of those pop up network messages to his mate saying he had an 'arsehole like the back of batmans car' after a curry/beer eveing they'd had the previous night. as his mate was doing a big powerpoint presentation to the head honchos of the company.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:43, Reply)
Not the subject really but related...
...I was sending a message off my phone when a friend says, "Can i borrow your phone?" Me being the happy chap I am handed it to him.

One minute later cue much laughter from him and I make out the words of "Look what I texted your dad" between giggles. Not only had he texted MY father off MY phone, but the message said: "I want to ejaculate in your ear"

This was never spoke of for weeks with said father until one day he warns me that he doesn't like "those sort of messages" off me.

I promptly died
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 18:45, Reply)
I accidentally sent a photo of my erect cock to my mate's hotmail address. 3 times.
It's an easy enough mistake to make...
I had bought a new phone and wanted to transfer picture from the old one to it. I couldn't use bluetooth or infrared so I tried to send them as multimedia messages instead. I had the photo because I'd seen my girlfriend over the weekend and she had been taking risqué photos of us for a laugh. In hindsight it was a poor choice of test pic, something I realised as I slipped and hit send on the first name which was in my address book (Andy) instead of sending to my own new number. The second I realised what had happened, I turned the phone off but it seems that Nokias are cleverer than that and send it when you turn the handset back on. Ever since he has made a point of telling every person I know and regularly brings it up again in the pub just for humiliating effect. The cunt. I have no idea why it sent three times either. It just did and that only serves to make it thrice as embarassing.
edit: And my parents know about this too. They think it is fucking hilarious.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 11:26, Reply)
Another Persons Onosecond
In my last job, one of the women I worked with had the same surname as me, and was being thoroughly porked by a senior management bloke (both were married) Imagine my surprise when I received an email asking if the bleeding had stopped, sorry for being so rough, and next time they should use a rubber and more lube for anal. I didn't suffer from an onosecond when forwarding to the people I knew and replying that he'd sent it to the wrong person. Office affairs, who'd have one?
(, Fri 27 May 2005, 10:01, Reply)
a very big isp..
...that my friend works at had a rather funny event a few years back. 2 people who worked there were well-known to be having a rather 'fruity' relationship, with maybe a bit of action in her office being on the cards at times.....

The lady was a manager and mass mailed round some general restructing info, and how people should contact her for some things not others now.

Her lover replied with 'Excellent. Do I still come to you for biscuits and blowjobs?'. What a lovely message - so lovely in fact that his fingers felt inclined to click 'reply to all' and sent it around the entire office, which included over 100 support staff.

Excellent.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 15:11, Reply)
shit
I've just send my wife an email with a boring story about texting an ex-girlfriend by mistake.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 14:56, Reply)
Email Near-Miss
A while ago at work I was managing a rather high-profile project. One of our number - usually a really sound girl and rather a good mate - suddenly started sending narky, demanding emails to our IT department.

My IT person forwarded me one of the emails with the comment "Why is she being such a fucking useless bitch?"

I replied in a similar vein, but god-knows-bloody-well-how, copied her in.

Fuck.

As soon as I hit send, I knew. I knew.

I had to run upstairs, tell her that one of her staff was in the toilet, lying on the floor unconscious (lie!)

Before I got anywhere near her desk, she emerges, seeing nobody was in the Ladies.

Had to then crawl commando-style across the floor to unplug her PC and hide under her desk for 15 minutes while they were discussing why I had fibbed about the unconscious person in the loo.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 13:26, Reply)
Not sure - you decide.
I had a really busy and lousy shift and was head down engrossed in writing out an ambulance case report at the hospital.
My male work partner was seated at the same table waiting for me for finish. For some reason I started thinking of the image of a rather attractive female colleagues ass that was bobbing to and fro whilst doing practice CPR earlier. Very cute indeed.

So to break the tension of a heavy shift I say to my partner without looking up "You know who's got the best ass at work?"
A dainty voice replies "No".
It was the bearer of the cute ass herself. I felt a bit embaressed but she then says "So who has got the best hours then?"
Relieved at being misheard I quickly replied "Oh those 9 to 5 office girls".
With a cheeky grin on her face she replied "Yeah but look at how fat their asses get from sitting around all day".

I'm still not sure...
(, Tue 31 May 2005, 13:36, Reply)
Here's one
Recent-ex, I and new girl all in the living room at my place, where she's come to stay (bad decision, that), watching telly.

She plays with her phone for a few seconds. Suddenly mine buzzes. Look at her, look at phone. She softly moans, "Oh fuuuuuuuuck...."

The text reads 'Yeah I'm there now. New gf=nasty. He still wants me though'.

We all clocked what had happened at the same time. I'll never forget the looks that passed between the three of us just then.

New girl never ever mentioned it in two years, but she knew. Oh, she knew.

Did I still want her? No comment....
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 23:49, Reply)
Mum?
When I got my first mobile, I got a message the very next day from a number I didn't know, it was a slightly rude joke. So I texted back asking who it was, the reply came back saying "it's your Mum."

Fine thought I.

As the weeks progressed, the texts got ruder and tuder, eventually ending up with me receiving an ASCII drawing of a cock. Spurting daddy batter. This was totally out of character for my fairly prudish Mother, so I texted back querying this whole affair.

Seconds later I get a phone call from some woman, asking for 'Janet'. Seemingly bemused that she isn't there, she hangs up. I get a message apologising for it all, because for the last couple of months she'd thought I was her daughter.

Shame we never carried that on, my 'Mum' sounded hot.
(, Fri 27 May 2005, 18:56, Reply)
Oops
When I was in my 6th form of school (far too long ago now) the 6th form common room was in a seperate small old building from the rest of the main school. One day two little machines (about the size of a shoe box) appeared in there which seemed to be sampling the air. Me and a mate thought it would be really funny to tamper with them and broke of some small bits from these asbestos type boards that were behind the radiators (they were like the ones you used to put your bunsen burner on. We then crumbled these bits into the bit of the machines that were obviously sucking in the air.

After this I just went home for lunch thinking nothing more of it. Later that day I got a very panicky call from my fellow saboteur saying that the building had been evacuated and shut. I went up to the school and there was red tap over the door saying "Hazardous - do not enter". The machines had recorded massive levels of asbestos in the atmosphere. Within 6 months, the building had been demolished and re-built.

I bricked it for about 6 months after that, convinced I was at least going to get expelled or sent to jail or something. Luckily niether happened. And we got a brand spanking new common room!
(, Fri 27 May 2005, 16:56, Reply)
A mate told me...
he loved me, despite wanting to send it to send it to his girlfriend who happened to have a mobile number with only one digit different. As he clearly didn't notice the fact that he'd got the wrong number it was amusing to keep the conversation going...

HIM: i love you baby
ME: well take me up the arse the moment you see me next
HIM: :o well i can't really refuse an offer like that!
ME: that's right big boy :)
(, Fri 27 May 2005, 10:33, Reply)
Real life
I have a horrible habit of doing this sort of thing... but in real life. It tends to make it even worse.

One of my friends was telling me how his uncle, who was epileptic, was hit by a bus whilst driving, and was killed. What did I say? "Was the bus flashing?". It wasn't until after I'd said it that I realised how horrific I was being.

I didn't learn my lesson.

Another friend discovered that his trumpet teacher had died. "Did you play the 'wah wah waaaah' tune?". You know what I mean, the sort of thing that happens in pantomimes when something silly yet bad for the character happens. A sort of disappointment. I'm told the technical term for this is a "decending chromatic wah".

Still hadn't learnt my lesson.

Same friend told me a few days later his orchestra had performed a concert in memory of the aforementioned trumpet teacher. I asked him if the teacher had come on stage at the end to collect some flowers or something. Whoops.

I should probably think before I speak, or at least have a dictaphone handy so I can post MP3s of myself on the internet.
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 20:42, Reply)
I got a call at my desk from a colleague asking if I didn't mind talking to a client
to explain something tedious.
"Oh piss ... do I have to? They're retards. When is the conference call?"
"Ummm ... you're on it."

Oh how they laughed.

/marginally less than relevant but anybody who reads these is a cunt
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 12:48, Reply)
Woo first post
One of my mates was at home one sunny afternoon thinking about his girlfriend who was busy in class at the local college.

He rather smugly sent this text message "Hey you, go and get some work done and stop thinking about my cock".

Which he inadvertently sent to his Father.
(, Tue 31 May 2005, 8:22, Reply)
Ha yes....
A few days ago my high-brow toffee nosed granny was up. I got left in my kitchen with her and my yorkshire terrier. She was sitting there yapping at some vase or something (my dog that is, not the grandmother) while I was getting the tea so I shouted over to my gran "Will you cunt that dog in the fuck!"
Oh shit. Oh shitty shitting shit.
I turned to her and she was sitting there completely gobsmaked. So to make it all better I said "Er.......please?" Hmmm there's one will I'm being taken off...
(, Sat 28 May 2005, 11:50, Reply)
D'oh...
As posted to the QOTW suggestions page...

After spending what can only be described as an extremely sordid night with a sexy (and as it turned out utterly filthy) young lady called Gemma, I decided to cheer her up during a bad day at work the next day by sending a text message detailing all everything I was intent on doing to her the next time I got my hands on her. Graphically.

Grandma was not amused to receive this. Not fully understanding it and seeking guidance as to the meaning of some of the content, neither was my mother. I still haven't heard the last of this from a couple of years ago and my gran won't sit next to me at family events any more. Presumably concerned I'll be trying to roger her up the bum.

I bet my grandma got up to plenty bloody worse once upon a time...
(, Thu 26 May 2005, 16:31, Reply)

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