» Heckles

All the pies
A few years ago some of the chaps I work with went to a comedy club (before I started there unfortunately) for a night out.
The main act of the night was one Phil Jupitus and as he is a big lad some wag thought they'd sing "Who ate all the pies". After all the booing at the heckler subsided Phil simply put his hands in the fair do position (palms out halfway up)and said.
" No he's right I did eat all the pies. I had to you see, to take away the taste of his mothers CUNT."
Cue one heckler put in his place.

As for length, who do I expect to please with that thing?... MEEEEEE
(Tue 11th Apr 2006, 19:17, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

My biggest regret
Is thinking It was just a fart!
(Tue 10th Oct 2006, 20:44, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Black balls
Last year I managed to give myself a hernia (left inguinal fyi). So in I goes to have the op no probs came out of the hospital walking like John Wayne has shat himself. Next day I get up drop keks to check out my new scars and for some reason my nuts had turned an amazing shade of black and swelled up about three times their natural size. Seriously I can think of no reason for my knackers to have been touched in so violent a manner until I thought of how they check if you are truly under. I reckon the anaesthetist punches you as hard in bollocks as possible, of course I have no urge to test this theory.

As for length and girth, black and swollen
(Sun 16th Jul 2006, 15:01, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

Alcohol + Deep Heat
A few years ago one of the chaps I worked with put his back out and had his missus rub deep heat in it. Not a problem I hear you say, that is until he goes and gets very drunk. So his missus dutifully rubs deep heat int his back puts tube on the side and goes downstairs. In his inebriated state he thought he needed some more so he picks up the tube and proceeds to rub it EVERYWHERE. Three hours later he was still sitting in an ice cold bath crying his little heart out.
(Sat 15th Jul 2006, 18:09, More)

» Evil Pranks

Ah the memories of McDonalds
Back in the days of college and after leaving college I worked for the dreaded golden arches. As you can Imagine we had some real spacko's working there over the years there is one that always comes to mind and I will name him Dean for 'twas his name.

Now Dean was a likeable enough chap but the phrase 'not quite all there' must have been penned by someone after they met this guy, to say he was gullible would be an understatement.

The store we worked in was in a big shopping mall (Lakeside for those in England) and had some really evil managers, the ringleader of which was an ex-Army guy called Richard (for yes 'twas his name) the first thing that Rich had Dean doing was scrubbing the white lines in the road next to the 'restaurant' including the pedestrian crossing as we were having a visit, not with a mop, oh no but with bucket, brush and on hands and knee's. For TWO hours he did this 'til someone called him back inside.

Now as Evil as that was (and yes much merriment was made from this) it did not compare to the genius of sending Dean to go and get some milkshake mix as we were running low. Not so smart you think until you realise we sent him to our mortal enemies Burger King. Now this was funny as he happily trotted upstairs and asked for some shakemix only to be laughed out of the store. What was absolutely hilarious was the poor sap was asked to go up there a week later for the same reason and he STILL WENT.

Suffice to say he didn't last too much longer there.

As for length well that depends on if you want a medium or a large 'shake
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 23:43, More)