Do a little dance,
make a little love, get down tonight!

My first F/P!!!!! WOOOOO!!
(Sun 31st Aug 2003, 23:02, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Found in my attic
a very nice aluminium baseball bat which has been waved at the local chavs to keep them in line from time to time.

I left some treasure for the utter twat who shouted at my little girl and made her cry (she's only 22 months old so you know he's a wanker) just because she was playing near the area he was searching with his metal detector. Put the windshield up, dug a small hole, curled out a ripe one and chucked a handfull of small change in with it. Moved on up the beach to watch this arsehole work his way down to the spot. His detector beeped and he dug for the booty. His scream kept me smiling for days.
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 17:21, More)

» Toilets

A few years back
me and a few mates were knocking around town having a few afternoon refreshments when one of the group felt the urge to go. Looking round he went to the nearest bog in the local shopping centre closly followed by me, needing to get rid of several pints.
He darts into the bog and takes position in trap number one and starts trying to heave out a massive grogan. I'm spraying liberal amounts of piss around as I can't aim strait from laughing at the tortured sounds coming over the partion wall. 'How can I make this a more enjoyable experience for him?' I think to myself and come up with the simple idea of switching off the light to shit in total darkness. CLICK
It was at that exact moment that he was straing his hardest, eyes screwed tightly shut with concentration and grunting that he didn't hear the click or see the lights go out. There was a splash and a relieved sigh quickly followed by panicked screams as he thought he'd ruptured the blood vessels in his eyes with the effort of giving birth to the baby bog fish and sent himself blind.
A concerned shopper comes in to see what's going on to find themselves confronted with a darkend toilet, one man in the cubicle whimpering about his eyes and me almost doubled over and crying with silent laughter.
(Sat 3rd Sep 2005, 0:31, More)

» Heckles

The missus wasn't impressed but I found it funny
when I took her to see Return of the King, it got towards the end of the movie and the scene with Frodo and Sam on the rock thinking they were going to die there and the emotional speech by Sam there came the very clear voice of a child saying "JUST FUCK HIM AND GET OVER WITH!" I was in hysterics and she tutted.
(Sat 8th Apr 2006, 18:16, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

Back when boltneck was a wee young thing
The family went on a camping trip down to the south coast. I first learnt to swear when my Father whilst trying to reverse the car and trailer back out of the tiny back lane that was supposed to be a short cut uttered the immortal sentance "THIS FUCKING TRAILER HAS A FUCKING MIND OF IT'S FUCKING OWN!!!! BASTARD!!"

The most memorable event of the holiday was me and my brother playing 'The Professionals' with spud guns. We decided to raid the toilet block and doing my best Bodie impression I kicked one of the doors open and went in firing. I will never forget the look on the poor bastards face as he sat there trying to give birth to a baby bog fish, as some maniac kid comes bursting in and shoots him right between the eyes with a chunk of potato and runs back out. I spent the next two days hiding from him and laughing from various places as he went by.
(Fri 22nd Apr 2005, 1:01, More)

» Sacked

Been sacked a few times over the years
#1 Working in an engineering company making extrusion dies. Was put in charge of the heat treat tank after 2 days of training (the dies had to be tempered at high heat in case anyone gave a shit. I didn't) Put a couple in the tank and went off for a spliff to try and kill the boredom. Forgot about the dies and instead of taking them out after 45 mins finally remembered to get my stoned ass back to the tank after three and a half hours. End result? £17000 of dies fucked and me walking out the door.
#2 Worked as a locksmith in one of the most soul crushing places imaginable. The boss was a demented little Hitler who thought nothing of giving his girlfriend a couple of hundred pounds worth of locks to take home for free, but went fucking mental when I made a spare key for my mate for a quid. Told him to "fuck off or you'll get locked in the basement and left there for the rats to shag" earned me a nice shiny P45 for gross misconduct.
#3 Ice cream factory. Temporary contract. Nicked my body weight in cornettos(strawberry and mint mmmmmmmmmmmm..) Little twat grassed everyone up for the ices, 18 people sacked in one go and one little twat kicked in the balls.
#4 The worst job I've ever had was making stone garden ornaments. The shed we worked in had no ventilation other than the door so the cement dust floating around was horrific, got in your eyes, nose everywhere. The boss was mental and that is no exaggeration, there was something seriously wrong with him. He'd make a point of coming into the workshop, looking around and if there was something there he didn't like the look of no matter what it was he'd destroy it. I saw him smash the statues, jump up and down on buckets, rip our radio off the wall and throw it across the room. Bastard fired me for putting my back out moving a six foot tall statue out of the corner, so I shopped him to health and safety for the conditions in the workshop. Plus I went round to his house a few weeks later and took a shit on the bonnet of his pride and joy Mercedes. Serves him right the fat cunt.

inevitable length knob joke
(Fri 24th Feb 2006, 0:36, More)