» Breasts

Nice Bun
I have an ample bosom (I love that word it makes me think I am a milkmaid!). 34DD and still pretty perky considering having had them for 20 + years.
About a year ago I was at a Gala dinner (get me!) with our CEO and a number of male colleagues. Being the girl I was in charge of the tombola tickets and so just before dinner went round to give everyone one (oooo innuendo!) Leaning over my CEO I bent forward to put his tombola ticket down and my right boobie popped out my dress and ended up on his side plate. His response – oh what a lovely bread bun!

It’s all so Carry On … LOVE IT!
(Fri 7th May 2010, 10:45, More)

» Food sex

Chocco Madness
I had a boyfriend (for a very short time) about 12 years ago that went to Stoke university (that should have been a warning sign!). He lived in a house with 4 other students, even though he was in his late 20’s (another warning sign!). Boys being boys or men being boys – you decide, porn was the choice of décor for the pad, beautifully cut out centre folds from Playboy, Fiesta and Mayfair adorned the walls in the hall, living room and even the kitchen (put me right of my kebab). From this I naively assumed that he had a fairly good carnal knowledge and the he might be pretty adventurous under the duvet, or in fact on top of the duvet or even up against the porn filled walls!
The first weekend I stayed with him I ventured all the way down from Scotland equipped with new lingerie, perfume and the obligatory 1997 sex accessory - a tube of chocolate body paint – complete with brush.
After a nice evening out at the cinema (we went to see the Full Monty) and a few ciders and blackcurrant, we headed home. Things were hotting up when we got back to his student pad – clothes coming off in the porn laden hall – we didn’t care if spotty Neil from Bedroom number 3 caught us.
As we were getting down to it (shagging that is) I decided to whip out the chocolate body paint, he looked very confused but I assured him that this was all the rage and that we should give it a go. Carefully he undid the top and knelt over me…. Then the stupid fucker squirted the entire contents all over my face!! END OF SEX,
End of relationship about a week later.
(Fri 7th Aug 2009, 15:36, More)

» Mums

Ahhh my wee mammy.
My mum has always been a source of continuous amusement/embarrassment to our family, classic quotes:
“JellyBelly (Although she did use my proper name) is this new boyfriend of yours a good screw?” Apparently she meant is he ok for money, although we didn’t find that out until we had all stopped laughing some hours later.
“Their new house is really posh, they have a Zanussi in the bathroom”. (Jacuzzi).
“That Bill Clinton is an appalling man, imagine making that poor woman kiss his “wee man”, I mean he does the toilet out of that!”
And finally when Channel 5 first launched “Well I wont be watching that Channel again! I couldn’t sleep last night so got up to do my ironing, flicked onto Channel 5 and you wouldn’t believe it, there were people having sex like dogs”.

Poor dad.
(Mon 15th Feb 2010, 13:16, More)

» Complaining

Dear Bladder
I wrote a complaint letter to my bladder recently it went as such:-

Dear Bladder

You and I have been in partnership for a number of years and although initially your work was on time and regular I am finding that lately things have been slipping.

For example, I required your services yesterday and although the output was flowing, it was not complete. Just when I thought you had given me everything and the paperwork was finished, you decided to add just a little bit more. Have you any idea of the embarrassment that you caused me!? This kind of behaviour seems to be happening more often than not and is completely unacceptable. When I ask you to do your job I expect it done in full without extensions of any sort.

Hopefully moving forward this will prevent us being caught short and prevent the frequent usage of pants. I have considered outsourcing some help in the form of Tena Lady however I think if we agree to work more together we could prevent this.

Yours truly

JellyBelly

Bladders response – Piss off.
(Wed 8th Sep 2010, 14:15, More)

» Caught!

17, young, fun and generally full of my boyfriends cum.
When I started seeing my boyfriend we both still lived in our parents houses which meant that as we were both as horny as lifers we had to grab every opportunity have a sweaty assed session whenever we could. This resulted in…
- getting caught by the graveyard grounds man
- getting caught by my boss in a lay-by, while in the throws of oral.
- getting caught on a ferry coming back from Arran by an old couple looking to whale spot.
- getting caught by my neighbours outside my mums house.
- getting caught at New Year in my friends bathroom by around 30 people.

Recently my daughter asked where she was conceived, I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was on a stairway in an apartment block in Italy. Where we were then caught by a couple of children with buckets and spades.
(Thu 3rd Jun 2010, 15:56, More)