» Shit Claims to Fame II


Shingai Shoniwa ( Noisettes ) tried to snog me in my campervan at secret garden party.
Amy Winehouse said she would vouch for me if I needed to get back into the previously gate-crashed bbc bar.
I pushed ahead of Girls Aloud to get a drink on the same night.
Liza Tarbuck looked at me.
Liza is the only one I lost a sock for.
(Fri 21st Sep 2012, 23:02, More)

» Winning

Nothing
Not even "Vision On" showed my picture and I had even lied about my age.
(Mon 2nd May 2011, 10:01, More)

» Bedroom Disasters

I had clearly seen too many Joan Collins soft porn yarns when I lost my virginity
so no-one told me anything about the foreplay, extended or otherwise, needed to ease penetration in a sauna's (unheated) splash-pool. How could we know what might feel wrong?...This was erotic, just like Oliver Tobias on a pool swing. But we both persisted and, cold, think it better to take things to the only double bed i.e. Muvver's and Farva's. But what awful timing to find that her period had started in flagrante, to much great apologies on her part and some disappointment on mine. A Monastic education in me and a Convent education in her had let us get this far but "The Curse" had instilled in us both a latent fear of sex being sinful and forbidden. Well....perhaps more in her as in retrospect I was hardly considerate of anything.
Of course, by now you've no doubt guessed that the Benedictine Monks and Nuns of St Augustine would have been chuckling away to note that we would both stay fearful of the whole process for years to come. She, because it was such a short period and must have been a sign of sin, me because there's nothing like a young and fully engorged penis for pumping out large amounts of blood onto your parents divan when your foreskin has ripped back from your glans.
Clearly hasn't scarred me though....as 'twere.
(Sat 25th Jun 2011, 20:25, More)

» Greed

I got temp employment checking the 'tender' totals for the Jubilee Line extension
Somewhere around the early 90s I think......a calculator and piles of great big books full of teeny tiny numbers adding up to the millions each company was prepared to do it for.

And me, weeping and checking to see if their end fee matched all their figures within the telephone book sized breakdowns. Luckily, it did lead to another less crucifying gig.

..Part of the deal to OK the extension meant that there had to be a 24 hour hotline for any members of the public who might have sudden concerns about the whole shebang at 4 in the morning. So I would get in about midnight, roll my sleeping mat out, watch a couple of infomercials about miracle car wax before nodding off and waking at 6.30, when I'd put my mat on the back of my moped before anyone else got in, have a cup of tea and hand over at 8am.

Seeing as we were opposite New Scotland Yard, one day the filth decided my bike and mat was a possible bomb ( why not check with me first, I don't know) and closed the whole of Victoria, Westminster, St James' etc during rush hour.
While they were securing a cordon or something, no-one stopped my hopping back on the 49cc beast and pootling off home.

Maybe it was some sort of karma payback for the eye-blistering tedium of adding up the cost of every last nut and bolt of every shitty proposal but if that's the case, I think karma might have overdone it
(Thu 14th Apr 2011, 17:21, More)